Letting go. Sometimes, this is an enormous task. Sometimes, letting go is painful. As I think of the things I've had to "let go" during life, I relive some sorrow, grief, pain, and regret. Often, our lives take a turn down a path, and we must let go of relationships, jobs, or even a social status. Sometimes, we have to let go of people we love due to various circumstances. Other times, we let go of certain habits or lifestyles that are not in our best interest. When I look at myself, the hardest thing to release in any circumstance is control. When I was diagnosed just 2 months ago, I immediately proclaimed that my God is great, mighty, and faithful. I began the battle with cancer. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Three weeks into treatment, I met with my oncologists. He told me that we were "cruising right along." Bouncing out of the cancer center, I repeated those words - why they had a musical ring to them. "Cruising right along..." Sounds good doesn't it. We were right on track. Less than 12 hours later, things came to a screeching halt. I had a rough night, resulting in a late night call to Doc. The next day, treatments were postponed and I spent the week receiving fluids all day, each day in his office. I was pretty dehydrated and my blood pressure decided to hang out between 70/30 and 60/30. Doc didn't like this and was determined to get it higher. Low blood pressure is not unusual for me, but oncologists aren't very accepting of these numbers when it comes to sending their patients home. After this week, I figured that SURELY I would resume treatments the next. Not so fast. Friday night found us at the ER with a fever and infection. Sunday brought complete chaos. Stephen was sick. Two of the boys had the flu, one was recovering from croup/bronchitis/asthma stuff. I again had complications and was sent to the ER. This time, I was offered a 3 day, 2 night stay on the 7th floor of Gadsden Regional Medical Center. Yippee. Christmas was coming. My entire family was sick. My treatments were off schedule. I am in the hospital. What had happened? I was doing so well. I was fighting the cancer, and when I got tired -- I let God take over. Yes, I was trying to fight, then letting God handle it when I got tired. He was my backup. That my friends is a problem. God doesn't play backup. He doesn't sit the bench until I'm played out. HE is the one who was capable of fighting this battle. I could do nothing. The two week hiatus provided me with lots of thinking time. God revealed to me that I had not let go of the control in this battle. I was still trying to play Commander in Chief of the cancer battle. He quietly reminded me of Gideon, Joseph, Esther, Jacob, Mary, and countless others from His Word. So many times He had proven Himself capable of fighting the battle. In the hospital bed, by myself, I handed over the control. I truly began to fall at His feet in complete surrender. Since then, He has not been my backup. He's the one and only. I'm His servant, doing what He calls me to do on a daily basis. It was then that I also began to honestly live on a day to day basis. Remembering that I cannot borrow from yesterday, it has already passed. Tomorrow is not promised to me. I only have today.
Things changed. I can't explain it all, I just haven't found the words. I knew He was capable all the time, I just had not let go of the control. Turns out, He was in control all of the time. My stubborn spirit had to learn not to attempt overthrowing Him. He is the Great Physician. Why in the world would I not let him have complete control from the beginning? Why would I try to handle more than one day at a time? Even He took creation one day at a time.
Each day, He has provided me with a new, refreshing peace that washes over my soul. Difficult moments have come, but none can take His peace away.
Each day, He has been in control of my treatments. Chemo and radiation are no good to me if He does not guide each drop of chemo and each radiation beam.
Each day, He has poured mercy and grace to cover my every need.
Each day, He has placed many of His faithful children in my path with encouraging words, meals, gifts of love that bless my heart.
Each day, He has held me in the palm of His hand.
Also....
Each day, the adversary has attempted to steal these things. For he always attempts steal and destroy what our Father is doing. With my Savior's help, I will strive to fight back against satan and his attacks. For, our God is faithful. He is victorious. He is the king of Kings. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess His name.
I have found myself complaining from time to time. Fact: I don't like pain, discomfort, or inconvenience. Well, this entire experience has been painful, full of discomfort, and just downright inconvenient. As I was listening to something - I can't remember what - Philippians 2:14-16 became a topic of discussion. It really hit home, reminding me that no matter what, my attitude should be full of praise and thankfulness toward God.
Philippians 2
v 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
v 14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
v 15 that you may prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
v 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may have cause to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.
I don't know about you, but it humbles me to know that God choose to work in me. Pain, discomfort, inconvenience -- I guess it's worth it if God can use me. What an honor to be part of His plan.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Overwhelmed
The past few weeks of my life have been quite overwhelming. Now, in the past, I associated the overwhelmed feeling with mostly negative experiences in my life. However, for every negative that overwhelmed me this time, God has provided something positive that is equal to or even greater than the negative experience. Here are just a few of my experiences...
1. Doctor diagnoses me with cancerous tumor...before I am awake family and friends have arrived at the hospital in overwhelming numbers to pray and support Stephen and me.
2. Tough chemo and radiation are ordered...special friends that are really like family provide me with fuzzy, warm pajamas, fuzzy pink slippers, and fuzzy warm blankets to comfort and keep me warm.
3. Overwhelmed with fatigue...church family shows up and provides meals...each time, more than we needed.
4. Within one week, all 3 boys visit the doctor plus Stephen plus 2 hospital visits for me...God provides financial support through several of my WES family and other friends
5. Days before Christmas, I spend time in the hospital (not prepared for Christmas, b/c I procrastinate)..instead of stress, God provides me with an awesome nursing staff that is knowledgable, caring, and professional
I could go on for days. God has not only met each and every need. He has overwhelmed us with support and people who are waiting to meet our needs. That is just the kind of God He is. When this journey first began, I knew that I would be relying on God as my Healer. I'm also learning how He is my provider. I always knew He would provide for my every need. After all, He met the most important one...my need for the Savior. My need for redemption, He provided. It seems each time something bad or tough has come along, God has met our need--sometimes even before we knew what the need was. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. Amazing is the only way to describe how God has placed people in my life who have helped me along this journey. It is simply indescribable.
At least once a day, I try to have each of my boys look me straight in the eye as I tell them "I love you." Throughout this experience, I feel as if God has taken my face in His hands, looking me in the eyes saying, "My child, I love you." The last two weeks have been rough. At times, I felt as if I was in a dark valley. Yet the entire time, I could feel His presence...His hands holding my facing reminding me of how much He cares. I don't know that I'll ever comprehend how much He loves me. I don't think I'll ever understand why He continues to love me. I do know this...I am honored to have Him walk this journey with me. I am honored to have a precious husband beside me each step of the way. I am honored to have the family and friends that cover me in prayer so faithfully each day. Overwhelmed....with His love, grace, and mercy.
1. Doctor diagnoses me with cancerous tumor...before I am awake family and friends have arrived at the hospital in overwhelming numbers to pray and support Stephen and me.
2. Tough chemo and radiation are ordered...special friends that are really like family provide me with fuzzy, warm pajamas, fuzzy pink slippers, and fuzzy warm blankets to comfort and keep me warm.
3. Overwhelmed with fatigue...church family shows up and provides meals...each time, more than we needed.
4. Within one week, all 3 boys visit the doctor plus Stephen plus 2 hospital visits for me...God provides financial support through several of my WES family and other friends
5. Days before Christmas, I spend time in the hospital (not prepared for Christmas, b/c I procrastinate)..instead of stress, God provides me with an awesome nursing staff that is knowledgable, caring, and professional
I could go on for days. God has not only met each and every need. He has overwhelmed us with support and people who are waiting to meet our needs. That is just the kind of God He is. When this journey first began, I knew that I would be relying on God as my Healer. I'm also learning how He is my provider. I always knew He would provide for my every need. After all, He met the most important one...my need for the Savior. My need for redemption, He provided. It seems each time something bad or tough has come along, God has met our need--sometimes even before we knew what the need was. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. Amazing is the only way to describe how God has placed people in my life who have helped me along this journey. It is simply indescribable.
At least once a day, I try to have each of my boys look me straight in the eye as I tell them "I love you." Throughout this experience, I feel as if God has taken my face in His hands, looking me in the eyes saying, "My child, I love you." The last two weeks have been rough. At times, I felt as if I was in a dark valley. Yet the entire time, I could feel His presence...His hands holding my facing reminding me of how much He cares. I don't know that I'll ever comprehend how much He loves me. I don't think I'll ever understand why He continues to love me. I do know this...I am honored to have Him walk this journey with me. I am honored to have a precious husband beside me each step of the way. I am honored to have the family and friends that cover me in prayer so faithfully each day. Overwhelmed....with His love, grace, and mercy.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
God is using a fanny pack to save my life
Alright. If I'm learning nothing else from my current journey in life -- the one thing I am learning is to never say never. For instance, "I'll never wear a fanny pack. That's just not going to happen." Hmmmm. I know that God must be laughing. He has a sense of humor, otherwise, this whole fanny pack thing would be downright cruel. I have not decided on my own that a fanny pack is my choice to make a fashion statement. The "pack" as I will now refer to it, mainly because I despise the sound of the other name I've been using for it, will carry a pump that distributes part of my chemo treatments. I mean, my goodness, was nothing better looking that the medical field could come up with??? There are a lot of smart people out there, don't tell me there is not a stitch of fashion sense among it. You just never know what life is going to throw at you next. I had written several days ago that I was facing several unknowns. The truth of it all is that we are all facing countless unknowns in our life. We think that we know. We think we have it planned. We think we have it all figured out. At least, I thought I did. God has a way of just showing up and placing a "road closed" sign in front of us. This forces us to take another path. It may not be the path we had planned for, maybe it was a consideration -- but not the one we wanted. Sometimes, that path was not even an option in our feeble human minds.
As I was driving to one of my appointments (6 days after my diagnosis, 2 days before tragedy struck my WHS kids) I was listening to a sermon on the Lord's prayer. My pastor has been preaching on this, so this was kind of an enrichment lesson I guess one could say. The topic was the line in the prayer, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." Ever really thought about that? You've probably prayed it before. I know I have. I also know that I'm quite guilty of praying this without really meaning it. If I truly desire for God's will to come alive in my life, I must be willing to give him complete access and rule over every area of my heart. The following example was given. Imagine inviting a guest to your home. You sincerely tell them to make themselves at home. What is yours is theirs. You want your guest to feel total freedom in your home. The next morning, you leave for work. Before doing so, you lock the fridge, lock the bathroom, lock the family room (with access to the television) and so on. You get the picture. It was like God slapped me in the face. This pastor was talking to me. To allow God to be glorified, I had to hand over the control of this cancer battle to Him. Only He could work in a way that would bring honor and glorify His name. There is nothing I can do to accomplish that. I have a diagnosis. I have a treatment plan. Again, the doctors are keeping me on a need to know basis. Not too much information at any given point lest I try to take the reigns away from the One who really is in charge. The fact is, they are having to wait on the first round of treatment to really decide where to go next. The seem to know everything about my cancer. However, I do know that they don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know who does.
Just a week ago, 3 teenage boys were traveling on a familiar stretch of road. The vehicle struck a phone pole and one young man was killed instantly. Two others were sent to the hospital with numbers of injuries, some requiring extensive surgery. Did any of these boys plan on this? No. Did their families in any way forsee this? No. Was our Heavenly Father surprised by this? No. He knew this was going to happen. Nothing surprises him. Now to us, it was an unknown. We had no clue this was coming. The entire community is still wondering how to work through the sorrow and grief accompanied with this situation. One young man had plans for the very next day -- he actually didn't make it to that destination, instead he stood before the Creator of the universe. One young man will never have the same life. They all three had plans for the weekend, plans for a senior year, even college plans. Planning is not a bad thing. I guess I'm just learning that God may change our plans. I must be sensitive to His heart so that I am able to accept these changes. When these changes are hard and may bring hurt and sorrow to our hearts, I have to trust Him to walk through that valley with me.
In the 23rd Psalm, the writer tells us that even when we walk through the shadow of the valley of death, HE is with us. The prince of darkness is waiting in that shadow. Waiting for God's children to throw in the towel and declare that we quit. I've felt like doing that at times. However, I have to stand tall and remember who I serve. Cancer, death, financial hardships....none of these ever surprise Him.
Just some of the things He's told us:
I'll never leave you nor forsake you...
I've loved you with an everlasting love...
I know the plans I have for you....
Those that wait upon the Lord...Isaiah 40:31
To those of you at WHS, I love you dearly and pray for you daily. How about we face these unknowns together in prayer??
To my family (both blood and non-blood related) --couldn't make it without you. God has blessed me beyond what my mind can conceive.
Much love,
Tracey
As I was driving to one of my appointments (6 days after my diagnosis, 2 days before tragedy struck my WHS kids) I was listening to a sermon on the Lord's prayer. My pastor has been preaching on this, so this was kind of an enrichment lesson I guess one could say. The topic was the line in the prayer, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." Ever really thought about that? You've probably prayed it before. I know I have. I also know that I'm quite guilty of praying this without really meaning it. If I truly desire for God's will to come alive in my life, I must be willing to give him complete access and rule over every area of my heart. The following example was given. Imagine inviting a guest to your home. You sincerely tell them to make themselves at home. What is yours is theirs. You want your guest to feel total freedom in your home. The next morning, you leave for work. Before doing so, you lock the fridge, lock the bathroom, lock the family room (with access to the television) and so on. You get the picture. It was like God slapped me in the face. This pastor was talking to me. To allow God to be glorified, I had to hand over the control of this cancer battle to Him. Only He could work in a way that would bring honor and glorify His name. There is nothing I can do to accomplish that. I have a diagnosis. I have a treatment plan. Again, the doctors are keeping me on a need to know basis. Not too much information at any given point lest I try to take the reigns away from the One who really is in charge. The fact is, they are having to wait on the first round of treatment to really decide where to go next. The seem to know everything about my cancer. However, I do know that they don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know who does.
Just a week ago, 3 teenage boys were traveling on a familiar stretch of road. The vehicle struck a phone pole and one young man was killed instantly. Two others were sent to the hospital with numbers of injuries, some requiring extensive surgery. Did any of these boys plan on this? No. Did their families in any way forsee this? No. Was our Heavenly Father surprised by this? No. He knew this was going to happen. Nothing surprises him. Now to us, it was an unknown. We had no clue this was coming. The entire community is still wondering how to work through the sorrow and grief accompanied with this situation. One young man had plans for the very next day -- he actually didn't make it to that destination, instead he stood before the Creator of the universe. One young man will never have the same life. They all three had plans for the weekend, plans for a senior year, even college plans. Planning is not a bad thing. I guess I'm just learning that God may change our plans. I must be sensitive to His heart so that I am able to accept these changes. When these changes are hard and may bring hurt and sorrow to our hearts, I have to trust Him to walk through that valley with me.
In the 23rd Psalm, the writer tells us that even when we walk through the shadow of the valley of death, HE is with us. The prince of darkness is waiting in that shadow. Waiting for God's children to throw in the towel and declare that we quit. I've felt like doing that at times. However, I have to stand tall and remember who I serve. Cancer, death, financial hardships....none of these ever surprise Him.
Just some of the things He's told us:
I'll never leave you nor forsake you...
I've loved you with an everlasting love...
I know the plans I have for you....
Those that wait upon the Lord...Isaiah 40:31
To those of you at WHS, I love you dearly and pray for you daily. How about we face these unknowns together in prayer??
To my family (both blood and non-blood related) --couldn't make it without you. God has blessed me beyond what my mind can conceive.
Much love,
Tracey
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I'm a Survivor
Relay for Life has been a passion of mine for quite some time, now. Well, somebody needs to let the people in charge know that I will be in need of a Survivor shirt in May!! I know there is a long road ahead of me, but I have God on my side and He is bigger and better than anything else that may come my way. For some reason, He has seen fit to allow me to walk through this time. Maybe some day he will reveal this to me, but He may choose not to. Either way, I'm praying He is glorified and people are brought to His saving grace through this experience.
The next few days are busy, but again...I'll take busy. In case you don't know, I received the results from my pet scan today. They confirmed what April's dog had already told Ashley, April, Cindy, and myself on Saturday night -- no additional cancer. Now, I do have to apologize to Sam, because I didn't completely trust his judgement. Sorry, old boy. There's a box of doggie treats on its way!! Here is a rough outline of what we expect.
Wednesday: Dr at Trinity will perform an ultrasound that will provide even more details on the tumor. This will help the radiation oncologist be as precise as possible.
Thursday: I might get to eat. Yippee!! I'm thinking lots of m&m's......Maybe even chocolate ice cream....
Friday: Visit with the radiation oncologist -- I haven't met him yet. However, I think there will be days that I won't like him a whole lot -- but at the end I'll pretty much love him to pieces.
Monday: Visit with surgeon who will schedule to put in a port for chemo; also another visit with oncologist
After that, we will begin treatments asap. The oncologists hopes to have things underway next week.
I don't know how I'll feel. I don't have the name of the exact drug and its intensity yet. I'll try to keep the blog updated. No matter what, I feel the prayers you are all sending to our Heavenly Father. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I am so very grateful for that. You all will never know the impact you are having on my life. It is an honor to be surrounded with such a support system, I know I very much don't deserve it.
God provides grace for us to handle situations as He guides us through. However, he doesn't just give us a lump sum of what we'll need prior to the situation. I can't help but think about the Hebrew children as they waited each day to receive the manna God provided. If they stored too much, it spoiled. If they did not receive what God had sent, they went hungry that day. God will provide the grace and strength I need just when I need it. He also will provide enough to see me through. Recently, Holly sent me the song "Always Enough" by Casting Crowns. It is becoming my new "theme' song. I constantly have a song that I cling to that describes my life situation at the moment. This one just hit home -- it fits. He is always enough. No matter what you are going through now or what you will face in the future, my Savior is always enough. He was enough to cover my sin, what more could I want?? If He can do that, He can fight this cancer battle with me!
Humor in all this:
My best gal pal was riding in the car with her 8 year old daughter.
Daughter: Mom, you've been praying for Ms. Tracey like I have. I think we've been praying the same thing.
Mom: Well, what have you been praying for?
Daughter: I've been praying that the pet scan shows cancer has not spread to her liver. Because if it has, she might get the jaundice like Michael Jackson did. We don't want that, do we?!?!
My thoughts: Don't we wish the only problem Michael Jackson had was the jaundice???
My dear Kylee, you will never know the place you hold in my heart!! Much love!!!
The next few days are busy, but again...I'll take busy. In case you don't know, I received the results from my pet scan today. They confirmed what April's dog had already told Ashley, April, Cindy, and myself on Saturday night -- no additional cancer. Now, I do have to apologize to Sam, because I didn't completely trust his judgement. Sorry, old boy. There's a box of doggie treats on its way!! Here is a rough outline of what we expect.
Wednesday: Dr at Trinity will perform an ultrasound that will provide even more details on the tumor. This will help the radiation oncologist be as precise as possible.
Thursday: I might get to eat. Yippee!! I'm thinking lots of m&m's......Maybe even chocolate ice cream....
Friday: Visit with the radiation oncologist -- I haven't met him yet. However, I think there will be days that I won't like him a whole lot -- but at the end I'll pretty much love him to pieces.
Monday: Visit with surgeon who will schedule to put in a port for chemo; also another visit with oncologist
After that, we will begin treatments asap. The oncologists hopes to have things underway next week.
I don't know how I'll feel. I don't have the name of the exact drug and its intensity yet. I'll try to keep the blog updated. No matter what, I feel the prayers you are all sending to our Heavenly Father. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I am so very grateful for that. You all will never know the impact you are having on my life. It is an honor to be surrounded with such a support system, I know I very much don't deserve it.
God provides grace for us to handle situations as He guides us through. However, he doesn't just give us a lump sum of what we'll need prior to the situation. I can't help but think about the Hebrew children as they waited each day to receive the manna God provided. If they stored too much, it spoiled. If they did not receive what God had sent, they went hungry that day. God will provide the grace and strength I need just when I need it. He also will provide enough to see me through. Recently, Holly sent me the song "Always Enough" by Casting Crowns. It is becoming my new "theme' song. I constantly have a song that I cling to that describes my life situation at the moment. This one just hit home -- it fits. He is always enough. No matter what you are going through now or what you will face in the future, my Savior is always enough. He was enough to cover my sin, what more could I want?? If He can do that, He can fight this cancer battle with me!
Humor in all this:
My best gal pal was riding in the car with her 8 year old daughter.
Daughter: Mom, you've been praying for Ms. Tracey like I have. I think we've been praying the same thing.
Mom: Well, what have you been praying for?
Daughter: I've been praying that the pet scan shows cancer has not spread to her liver. Because if it has, she might get the jaundice like Michael Jackson did. We don't want that, do we?!?!
My thoughts: Don't we wish the only problem Michael Jackson had was the jaundice???
My dear Kylee, you will never know the place you hold in my heart!! Much love!!!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Feeling loved
Although my diagnosis is not yet complete, I know that the almighty Creator is in charge. I may not like what the doctors tell me on Tuesday, but my Father has a master plan that only He is holy enough to carry out. I would like to begin what I am calling a "prayer adoption." I am listing specific people on this list that I would like for you to pray for. I am praying that God will lay each name on the heart of someone that will seriously take the responsibility of praying daily for that individual.
1. My precious husband, Stephen
2. Andrew
3. Aaron
4. John Curtis
5. My parents
6. My oncologist - Dr. Castillo
7. Radiologist
8. Surgeon
9. My cancer information specialists =) The Rameys
10. my sister
11. my grandparents
There are many more in my family that are standing behind me. Please include them also. I have such an amazing support system -- one that I very much don't deserve. May God bless you today.
2 Timothy 1:12 For I know whom I have believed....
Praise Be Unto HIS name,
Tracey
1. My precious husband, Stephen
2. Andrew
3. Aaron
4. John Curtis
5. My parents
6. My oncologist - Dr. Castillo
7. Radiologist
8. Surgeon
9. My cancer information specialists =) The Rameys
10. my sister
11. my grandparents
There are many more in my family that are standing behind me. Please include them also. I have such an amazing support system -- one that I very much don't deserve. May God bless you today.
2 Timothy 1:12 For I know whom I have believed....
Praise Be Unto HIS name,
Tracey
Friday, November 12, 2010
What now
I don't know where to begin. The past 36 hours have been mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. I have seen how God can use people on an unbelievable level that you would not believe. Yesterday morning, Stephen and I learned that I have cancerous tumor. Where most of the time, one would have been immediately moved to a regular hospital room, I was kept in the outpatient day surgery area for most of the day. I did not arrive in my room until late afternoon. Before I was awake from the "fog" induced by medication administered prior to my colonoscopy, I was moved to a room that I don't believe is intended for patients to spend more than a few minutes. This was because most of my family had arrived once the learned of the news.
I don't remember exactly when it was, but one particular nurse commented that she could feel God's presence in my room. I think this was before I learned of my diagnosis, but I could be wrong. Each and every nurse that cared for me did so with a special love and grace that only God could provide. I know for a fact that they were each placed in my pathway that day by my loving Father. Jesus told his followers that they would be known by their works. These ladies are truly using their gifts to glorify God and further His kingdom. He knew what Stephen and I would need. He knew a long time ago that he would include these special people in my life. Each of these ladies constantly reminded me that they were praying and that we serve a mighty God. I know this, but this is one of those times that I didn't quite know what to say to God. I've always heard about those times that you don't know what to pray. I think I might have had some of those after mom died. However, there were MANY of those moments yesterday.
Oncologists, cancer center, chemo, radiation---all are now linked to my name. This wasn't in my plan. Not at all. As a matter of fact it is downright inconvenient. Those of you who know me are fully aware that I don't like to stray from the plan and I don't tolerate inconvenience. So, here we are. Stephen and I surrounded by family and friends (friends that really are family even without sharing the same DNA) -- staring down a pathway full of unknowns. There are going to be several unknowns for a few days. A pet scan is scheduled for Monday to see if the cancer has spread...pray Stephen and I will have peace and the Pet scan will show no other cancers.
Enough about the unknowns, I'm having to trust God to take care of that. I admit, I worry. Know I'm not supposed to...but we're working on that. Here are some of the things I do know:
1. Whatever is happening inside my body, God knew about it way before any doctor suspected a thing.
2. God is bigger than this and He will not leave me. After all, the Bible tells us that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
3. God blessed with the most amazing husband any woman could ever ask for. I didn't deserve him 10 years ago, and I still don't deserve him. I'm absolutely blessed beyond measure here.
4. April Jordan rocks. A girl couldn't ask for a better gal pal and prayer warrior.
5. I have 3 boys that are absolutely worth fighting for.
6. I am surrounded by an amazing family.
There are lots of other things I know, but I'll share them as time goes on. I've done a lot of talking about God, but now let's see if I can live up to what I've claimed over the past years. Of course, I'd absolutely appreciate it if this was miraculously removed from my life today. However, I know that no matter how hard, long, and bumpy this road may be, I serve a mighty God -- in the Bible, He is called Jehovah Rophe -- my healer. I'm claiming that. To those who are praying, you will never know what impact you are having. I am asking you to pray for Stephen -- for his emotional and physical strength. He is a strong Godly man, and I want him to make sure he takes care of himself. He always handles our finances in a manner that would honor God. I can't help but wonder when the financial hardships will strike -- but I know they will. Pray God will meet these needs as they come. I will try my best to keep updates. Pray for the boys, I'm afraid this will be especially hard on Andrew. Aaron does not like being away from Stephen and me or his bed at home. John Curtis just has the setting "full speed ahead" so I'm praying that he will teach me some lessons. Pray most of all that God will be glorified.
With love,
Tracey
I don't remember exactly when it was, but one particular nurse commented that she could feel God's presence in my room. I think this was before I learned of my diagnosis, but I could be wrong. Each and every nurse that cared for me did so with a special love and grace that only God could provide. I know for a fact that they were each placed in my pathway that day by my loving Father. Jesus told his followers that they would be known by their works. These ladies are truly using their gifts to glorify God and further His kingdom. He knew what Stephen and I would need. He knew a long time ago that he would include these special people in my life. Each of these ladies constantly reminded me that they were praying and that we serve a mighty God. I know this, but this is one of those times that I didn't quite know what to say to God. I've always heard about those times that you don't know what to pray. I think I might have had some of those after mom died. However, there were MANY of those moments yesterday.
Oncologists, cancer center, chemo, radiation---all are now linked to my name. This wasn't in my plan. Not at all. As a matter of fact it is downright inconvenient. Those of you who know me are fully aware that I don't like to stray from the plan and I don't tolerate inconvenience. So, here we are. Stephen and I surrounded by family and friends (friends that really are family even without sharing the same DNA) -- staring down a pathway full of unknowns. There are going to be several unknowns for a few days. A pet scan is scheduled for Monday to see if the cancer has spread...pray Stephen and I will have peace and the Pet scan will show no other cancers.
Enough about the unknowns, I'm having to trust God to take care of that. I admit, I worry. Know I'm not supposed to...but we're working on that. Here are some of the things I do know:
1. Whatever is happening inside my body, God knew about it way before any doctor suspected a thing.
2. God is bigger than this and He will not leave me. After all, the Bible tells us that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
3. God blessed with the most amazing husband any woman could ever ask for. I didn't deserve him 10 years ago, and I still don't deserve him. I'm absolutely blessed beyond measure here.
4. April Jordan rocks. A girl couldn't ask for a better gal pal and prayer warrior.
5. I have 3 boys that are absolutely worth fighting for.
6. I am surrounded by an amazing family.
There are lots of other things I know, but I'll share them as time goes on. I've done a lot of talking about God, but now let's see if I can live up to what I've claimed over the past years. Of course, I'd absolutely appreciate it if this was miraculously removed from my life today. However, I know that no matter how hard, long, and bumpy this road may be, I serve a mighty God -- in the Bible, He is called Jehovah Rophe -- my healer. I'm claiming that. To those who are praying, you will never know what impact you are having. I am asking you to pray for Stephen -- for his emotional and physical strength. He is a strong Godly man, and I want him to make sure he takes care of himself. He always handles our finances in a manner that would honor God. I can't help but wonder when the financial hardships will strike -- but I know they will. Pray God will meet these needs as they come. I will try my best to keep updates. Pray for the boys, I'm afraid this will be especially hard on Andrew. Aaron does not like being away from Stephen and me or his bed at home. John Curtis just has the setting "full speed ahead" so I'm praying that he will teach me some lessons. Pray most of all that God will be glorified.
With love,
Tracey
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The darkness
As I've listened to the narration in our Christmas musical, there has been one line that consumes my thoughts. The author writes of darkness. The times in life where things seem so dark and dreary that you can't even see your hand in front of your face, are you familiar with these? Been there. Done that. Two particular situations weigh on my mind tonight. One -- two special friends with desires in their hearts that now seem unfulfilled. Two -- a group of young people who've experience unimagineable heartache in the past 14 months. In both situations, I know God is there. I know God has a plan that is far beyond anything I could ever imagine or come up with myself. The plan I think would be best, is obviously not the best. That's not the way He's working right now. I can't help but reflect back to a song from my youth choir days that declared, "when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart." Although, I'm not in the midst of this dark night, some of those that I love dearly are experiencing that pain and hurt. I know they are children of God. I know they have declared their faith in Jesus Christ. I don't know what God's plan is. I don't know what the future holds for each of these precious individuals. I'm sure at moments, they feel as if life has just been turned upside down and may never be straightened out again. There were been times after the loss of my mother that I was sure that life would never feel "right" again. Pain, suffering, grief, sorrow...I had come to accept these as part of my life. However, my precious Father, Jehovah Jireh, El Shaddai, used this to bring me closer to His heart. You see, He never moves. It is me. I'm the mover. There have been times in a church service, when Andrew does not want to behave as I expect him to. He will continually "inch" away from me hoping to reach the point where he is out of "pinching" range. Now you know that a "church pinch" from your mama can hurt like nobody's business. Sometimes I find myself "inching" away from God. Sometimes I run. It's not because I don't love Him. It's because sometimes what I see scares me out of my mind. I forget that no matter what is in store, He is with me. He has planned my life out by the second. He has my best interest in hand. Nothing can harm me while His hand is on me. He is the very one that maintains the order in our universe. This very God sits beside me in the darkness when I can see absolutely nothing. He takes my face in His hands and whispers, "I love you." He orders my steps because he has had a plan for me from the beginning. There's nothing I can experience that He has not already conquered. So, heartache, grief, sorrow, you may be present now. But watch out, because my joy will come in the morning. It's always darkest before the dawn.
Switching directions, as I think about darkness, I think about Christ coming to Earth. Lately I've been thinking about the things I despise most. Yeah, weird, twisted, I know. You all know how warped I am. There is a purpose just stay with me. Think about the one thing you despise most. A smell, such as cigarette smoke or macaroni & cheese? A color combination, such as orange and royal blue? An animal, worms, snakes, rats? An action, deceit, hatred? One thing I despise is the smell when the sewage guys come and pump out the tank near my classroom. You see, I have a window in my classroom with a crack. Odors seem to pour through this crack like a fugitive looking for a place to hide. The stench is unimagineable. Gross. Icky. Yuck. Ewwww. Get the picture? I wondered the other day, what if I had to live with that smell all the time? I don't believe I would ever get used to it. I certainly would not choose to live in that situation. However, that's exactly what our Savior did. He despises sin. He is sinless. The thing he hates most -- he CHOSE to dwell in the midst of it for 33 years. I wouldn't make it 3 days with the sewage odor, much less 33 years. I definitely would not CHOOSE to live with that odor. My stomach turns just thinking about it. I wonder if Jesus ever felt His stomach turn when living in a sinful world. Not because of the people necessarily, but because of the sin. I know He loves us and that's why He did it. I guess that is just one more thing that amazes me about Him. He chose to inhabit the sinful planet - He chose to inhabit a place that housed the sin He despises so much. All because He was our only chance to be rescued from death and hell. What darkness God's people must have experienced in the years right before Messiah's arrival. Then He steps into humanity, not with trumpets and royal robes, but in the most humble manner possible. I said earlier, it's always darkest before the dawn.....What a magnificent dawn it was when the Messiah blessed us with His entrance as a babe in a manger. What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see -- When I look upon His face, the One who SAVED me by HIS GRACE.
He is our Deliver, Healer, Provider, Author and Finisher of our salvation! Praise be to God!
Switching directions, as I think about darkness, I think about Christ coming to Earth. Lately I've been thinking about the things I despise most. Yeah, weird, twisted, I know. You all know how warped I am. There is a purpose just stay with me. Think about the one thing you despise most. A smell, such as cigarette smoke or macaroni & cheese? A color combination, such as orange and royal blue? An animal, worms, snakes, rats? An action, deceit, hatred? One thing I despise is the smell when the sewage guys come and pump out the tank near my classroom. You see, I have a window in my classroom with a crack. Odors seem to pour through this crack like a fugitive looking for a place to hide. The stench is unimagineable. Gross. Icky. Yuck. Ewwww. Get the picture? I wondered the other day, what if I had to live with that smell all the time? I don't believe I would ever get used to it. I certainly would not choose to live in that situation. However, that's exactly what our Savior did. He despises sin. He is sinless. The thing he hates most -- he CHOSE to dwell in the midst of it for 33 years. I wouldn't make it 3 days with the sewage odor, much less 33 years. I definitely would not CHOOSE to live with that odor. My stomach turns just thinking about it. I wonder if Jesus ever felt His stomach turn when living in a sinful world. Not because of the people necessarily, but because of the sin. I know He loves us and that's why He did it. I guess that is just one more thing that amazes me about Him. He chose to inhabit the sinful planet - He chose to inhabit a place that housed the sin He despises so much. All because He was our only chance to be rescued from death and hell. What darkness God's people must have experienced in the years right before Messiah's arrival. Then He steps into humanity, not with trumpets and royal robes, but in the most humble manner possible. I said earlier, it's always darkest before the dawn.....What a magnificent dawn it was when the Messiah blessed us with His entrance as a babe in a manger. What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see -- When I look upon His face, the One who SAVED me by HIS GRACE.
He is our Deliver, Healer, Provider, Author and Finisher of our salvation! Praise be to God!
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