Wednesday, February 23, 2011

And here we are

So. Here we are. Less than 48 hours until surgery. I'm sitting at the hospital with one of my precious boys and my precious husband. IV hooked up to a 4 year old is not the idea I had for this week. This is just one of those times that I'm learning my ways are not His ways and His ways are MUCH, MUCH higher than my ways. It's a good thing I wasn't in charge of creating the universe. I'm a bundle of nerves just trying to take care of my kiddos and undergo surgery. Imagine what a mess I would have made if He had put me in charge of everything.
For those of you who are wondering what is going on inside my head, well here it is.
Here I am. Weary, weak, worn and a bundle of nerves. It seems that if the devil can attack me, he has tried every way possible. I feel as if the very life is draining out of me. Exhaustion has not only taken over my physical being, but my emotional and mental state as well. Guilt weighs on my heart with every decision I make. If I stay with my sick little one, I feel as though I'm ignoring my other boys. If I go home with my other boys, then I'm whimping out on being a mom and enduring the sleepless nights beside the hospital bed. Not everything is in order for my boys to be in someone else's care. I don't have clothes packed for them. I've not bought groceries and snacks. My first-born that aims to please everyone has no lunchables for next week. Ugghh!
My insides feel as if they are shaking and my nerves are raw. Each tick of the clock seems to last an eternity. This experience is never going to end.
Oh, wait. A glimmer of hope....Blue eyes now seem to have a faint trace of the sparkle that faded 72 hours ago. That sweet voice seems to have a little more strength. There is hope. This just might get better. But, then again, reality. Harsh corridors, an IV pump that seems to scream when each 3 hour session nears an end. My heart races, nerves are rattled, panic has pierced my heart like a two-edged sword. Fear and anxiety rip through my soul.
Well, there it is. I'm wavering. I stepped out of the boat with a huge faith. The storms and wind around me seemed frail in comparison to the Savior in front of me. Walking on the water...then, WHAM! Waves with remarkable force slam into me. Winds howl, mocking me. Mocking my faith. The sinking begins. I can't regain focus. Life as I know it has caved in around me. Soon, I'll be buried beneath the sea. Another victim whose faith couldn't weather the storm.
That's where I am tonight. However, I only have one viable option. Falling on my face, before the THRONE OF GRACE. Only my Father can carry me through. Only He can save my soul from giving territory away to the adversary.
Psalm 27
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear
The LORD is my strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid.
2. When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
The stumbled and fell.
3 Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war mayrise against me
In this I will be confident.
4 One thing I have desired of the LORD;
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of mylife,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.
5 For in the time of trouble
He shall hid me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.

I still am having one of those moments. I actually think that the "moment" has been lasting for three days and could potentially go on for two more very long days.
I claim this scripture. I trust that He will hide me in my time of trouble.
Fear is bondage. Fear is torment. Fear is from the adversary.
None of these are from the Father. He is joy, hope, peace, faith. He is calm in the storm. He is faithful.

Verse 9 of this Psalm my prayer. I hold fast to this.
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been m help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me;
O God of my salvation.

Yes!! O God of MY salvation. Do not leave me. Do not forsake me. Do not hide Your face from me. My strength. My Redeemer. Hold me in the palm of Your righteous hand. I cry out to you O God! I need Your peace, Your strength, Your grace to flood over my soul.