My heart hurts, but there is peace

In November 2010, my diagnosis of cancer came. It seems that since then, everything in my life is connected to that somehow. Every thought. Every event. Every doctor's appointment. Every decision. Everything. It doesn't run my life, just understand that it is now a part of our life. It will never go away. Cancer is something you have to experience. Until you experience it....and I pray you never do....you won't understand. And I know that you are probably perfectly fine with not understanding. I don't blame you. There are many things I do not want to understand. There are many tragic events in the lives of others that can only be understood after an experience. Thank you. I'm fine to live without that experience. Anybody out there with me?

Sara.   Savor.     Sweet.    Still.    Soothing.
Sara was soothing in some of my most anxious moments
Sara taught me the importance of savoring each day.
Sara's had a sweeter spirit than most of us will only dream of.
Sara would dare to sit still and just wait for God.
Sara.


I didn't know what I was getting into when introduced to this stranger through a Caring Bridge blog. One of my sister's childhood friends told me about Sara. Her story had some similarities to mine. When I read the first entry to her blog, I had no idea of the bond that would form. That bond is the reason my heart feels as if there is a hole. Several hours ago, Sara left this world to be with Jesus. Part of me is so peaceful to know this. Another part of me feels torn, shattered, broken. It's as if a war is raging within me. I am 100% convinced that life beyond here with Jesus must be more incredible than I can imagine. His glory, His righteousness, His perfection. There is nothing better. No other reward can surpass living eternally with the Creator of Life. He's not just the Creator of Life, but also the Sustainer of Life. So, why the feeling of brokenness? Why do I feel my heart has been torn to shreds?

A couple of weeks ago, I thought that when Sara's time came to leave this Earth, I would be okay with it. Not happy....just not devestated. After all, the hardest part was knowing the physical pain and terror she was experiencing. A few days ago, I convinced myself that God was going to heal her. What better way for Him to receive glory than to heal a woman who had experienced just about any weapon the cancer world had to defeat this dreaded disease? That's the way my eyes saw it, anyway. I don't know God's plan, but I tried to convince myself that Sara's physical healing was the way it was all going to happen. Why do I continually keep trying to humanize God? Why don't I learn? I really wasn't trying to be stubborn this time. The thought of a precious, Godly man having to say goodbye to his young wife.....grieves my heart. The thought of two amazing little boys hearing that their mom won't be here to tie their shoes, pack their lunch, kiss them goodnight - it's almost more than I can bear.
I thought I would be okay when she was better. I was wrong.
I'm not okay. Eventually I will be.

I'm better because of her.
God used her to show me how to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter.
She taught me how to savor each day.

Peace comes from knowing that Sara is a daughter of the King. She now is in His care.
Heartache comes from knowing the pain that a child feels at the loss of a mom. I walked through that. Maybe that's why I hurt so badly for these little guys. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of mom Sara was. Savoring. Sitting still and listening for God. A sweet spirit.

Thank you Sara. You shared with me. You taught me. I am forever grateful.

Don't ever say....

First of all, know that this post is not intended with a negative attitude. The past 18 months have taught me to laugh about a lot of things. Yes, some of these things have actually been said to me, many of them on more than one occasion. It's either laugh or cry, and I try to choose laughter.

Things you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever say to a cancer patient or survivor:

1. Chemo is not near as bad now as it used to be.
Reason: It is still horrible. Yes, some chemo treatments ARE easier than they used to be. However, many of the treatments are quite horrible. The ER visits from the effects of chemo are not a planned adventure in search of fun. The local ER with the local oncologist is not my idea of a dream vacation.

2. Phenergan is a narcotic and highly addictive. You might want to think about that.
Reason: The phenergan in my body is keeping the saltine crackers in my system from ending up on your shoes. Yes, someone actually said that to me. I think they need to research their drugs before sharing inaccurate information with the general public.

3. You had a year off work. You must be so relieved.
Response: Hmmmm. I don't think being in a chemo clinic counts as vacation, at least not in my book.

4. You might want to be careful and not take too many different medications. I hear that stuff can cause a lot of problems such as addiction.
Response: You might need some of these medications to help with the bodily injury you are about to experience.

5. When referring to effects of my surgery:  I know exactly how you feel. I had my tonsils out when I was 13 and it was terrible. The ice cream they gave me was really horrible.
Response: Yes. Your tonsil surgery is on the same level as a 15 cm tumor in my COLON!


I just have to wonder about some people.


This has been an eventful week in our household. All 3 boys received awards this week at school. Andrew finished up his soccer season. Sadly, Coach Mike was not there. That effected the entire team. However, they played a well coached and well disciplined team. I was extremely impressed with the other team. The players were quite talented.
We are getting ready to close out this school year, and I must say that i am more than ready. I'm anxious to spend some quality time with my kiddos. I just hope they can hold off on the fighting. I'm not holding my breath on that one. ;)

I should not read facebook.

Considering how opinionated I am, considering I know that I am opinionated, considering that ridiculous junk tends to tick me off, would lead someone to believe that I would not read stupid posts on facebook. WRONG! Usually, people try to stay away from things that increase their blood pressure to unsafe levels. Not me, why no, I just jump right into stuff like that. Not smart, you say? Yeah. I know. It's one of those many shortcomings that I'm working on.
The first is when individuals post all this junk about judging others and how it so very wrong and how it offends them and how the ones who judge will be judged themselves and on and on and on. I do agree that we should not wake up each morning in an attempt to toss out harsh judgements on others. I also think that most of these posts don't come from someone being judged unfairly. From what I've observed, these comments are usually random and targeted at some individual or group, it's just that none of us can figure out who the statement is targeting. For example, I responded to a post that contained quite a bit of profanity. I simply stated that I didn't think it was worth including all of the language. My point was, a story can be just as funny without the profanity. I'm not a saint. I'm not claiming to be. I just think that the language was uncalled for. (I also thought that coming from someone who claims to be a Christian, this language was completely inappropriate and a poor witness.) My statement was met with quite a bit of hostility, then I was confronted with a statement about judging others. I wasn't judging, just stating an opinion. So...let the drama begin. The list of complaints about me began. I once said that living with someone to whom you're not married (not just a roommate, you see where I'm going) is wrong. Yes, I did say that. Not judging. It's wrong. I believe the Bible is our guide to how life should be lived. In that book, it says that this is wrong. Judging and stating right from wrong are two TOTALLY different things. Some people are quick to throw up the fact that they should not be "judged" when they are not being judged necessarily. Many times, it boils down to the fact that someone has pointed out something that is not right in that individual's life. Now, there is a proper way to do this. It is intended to be done out of love, with compassion. So, all that to say this. Judging someone and vocally expressing belief in what is right are not the same things. I have come to believe that people who want to cry, "Quit judging me!" are usually the ones who just don't want to admit they are engaging in some behavior that is not in line with what it should be. Maybe I'm just tired of reading the "woe is me" and "look how hard I have it" posts. Maybe those who post statements about judging then follow it with, "I know some people who should think about this," should take their own advice and stop judging the people they claim are judging everyone else.
On the other hand, maybe I should read facebook. This is what I can get out of it:
I learn what all my kids will do as teenagers, so I can prepare myself with strategies to handle them.
I learn that my husband ROCKS.
I learn that some people only communicate with their spouse through facebook and that is annoying, so I don't use it that way.
I see what awesome friends I have.
I get see pictures of my niece in Arkansas.
I am entertained by stories of Parker and Reese.
I read things then call my cousin to talk about how funny they are because we don't text about everything that happens to us.
I DISCOVERED PINTEREST! and became addicted.
I have lots of e-friends.
I get to laugh at the fact when people post every event of their day and think that the world cares. (To one of my bestest friends --- girl, you KNOW I'm talking about you =0)
I get to keep a watch on my Weaver kiddos and make sure some of them are behaving.
I have something to keep me busy when I can't sleep and am tired of focusing on lesson plans.

Hmmmmm, I think I kind of like my life.
Much love - have a shamrockin' good weekend!
T