Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My heart hurts, but there is peace

In November 2010, my diagnosis of cancer came. It seems that since then, everything in my life is connected to that somehow. Every thought. Every event. Every doctor's appointment. Every decision. Everything. It doesn't run my life, just understand that it is now a part of our life. It will never go away. Cancer is something you have to experience. Until you experience it....and I pray you never do....you won't understand. And I know that you are probably perfectly fine with not understanding. I don't blame you. There are many things I do not want to understand. There are many tragic events in the lives of others that can only be understood after an experience. Thank you. I'm fine to live without that experience. Anybody out there with me?

Sara.   Savor.     Sweet.    Still.    Soothing.
Sara was soothing in some of my most anxious moments
Sara taught me the importance of savoring each day.
Sara's had a sweeter spirit than most of us will only dream of.
Sara would dare to sit still and just wait for God.

I didn't know what I was getting into when introduced to this stranger through a Caring Bridge blog. One of my sister's childhood friends told me about Sara. Her story had some similarities to mine. When I read the first entry to her blog, I had no idea of the bond that would form. That bond is the reason my heart feels as if there is a hole. Several hours ago, Sara left this world to be with Jesus. Part of me is so peaceful to know this. Another part of me feels torn, shattered, broken. It's as if a war is raging within me. I am 100% convinced that life beyond here with Jesus must be more incredible than I can imagine. His glory, His righteousness, His perfection. There is nothing better. No other reward can surpass living eternally with the Creator of Life. He's not just the Creator of Life, but also the Sustainer of Life. So, why the feeling of brokenness? Why do I feel my heart has been torn to shreds?

A couple of weeks ago, I thought that when Sara's time came to leave this Earth, I would be okay with it. Not happy....just not devestated. After all, the hardest part was knowing the physical pain and terror she was experiencing. A few days ago, I convinced myself that God was going to heal her. What better way for Him to receive glory than to heal a woman who had experienced just about any weapon the cancer world had to defeat this dreaded disease? That's the way my eyes saw it, anyway. I don't know God's plan, but I tried to convince myself that Sara's physical healing was the way it was all going to happen. Why do I continually keep trying to humanize God? Why don't I learn? I really wasn't trying to be stubborn this time. The thought of a precious, Godly man having to say goodbye to his young wife.....grieves my heart. The thought of two amazing little boys hearing that their mom won't be here to tie their shoes, pack their lunch, kiss them goodnight - it's almost more than I can bear.
I thought I would be okay when she was better. I was wrong.
I'm not okay. Eventually I will be.

I'm better because of her.
God used her to show me how to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter.
She taught me how to savor each day.

Peace comes from knowing that Sara is a daughter of the King. She now is in His care.
Heartache comes from knowing the pain that a child feels at the loss of a mom. I walked through that. Maybe that's why I hurt so badly for these little guys. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of mom Sara was. Savoring. Sitting still and listening for God. A sweet spirit.

Thank you Sara. You shared with me. You taught me. I am forever grateful.

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