So. Here we are. Less than 48 hours until surgery. I'm sitting at the hospital with one of my precious boys and my precious husband. IV hooked up to a 4 year old is not the idea I had for this week. This is just one of those times that I'm learning my ways are not His ways and His ways are MUCH, MUCH higher than my ways. It's a good thing I wasn't in charge of creating the universe. I'm a bundle of nerves just trying to take care of my kiddos and undergo surgery. Imagine what a mess I would have made if He had put me in charge of everything.
For those of you who are wondering what is going on inside my head, well here it is.
Here I am. Weary, weak, worn and a bundle of nerves. It seems that if the devil can attack me, he has tried every way possible. I feel as if the very life is draining out of me. Exhaustion has not only taken over my physical being, but my emotional and mental state as well. Guilt weighs on my heart with every decision I make. If I stay with my sick little one, I feel as though I'm ignoring my other boys. If I go home with my other boys, then I'm whimping out on being a mom and enduring the sleepless nights beside the hospital bed. Not everything is in order for my boys to be in someone else's care. I don't have clothes packed for them. I've not bought groceries and snacks. My first-born that aims to please everyone has no lunchables for next week. Ugghh!
My insides feel as if they are shaking and my nerves are raw. Each tick of the clock seems to last an eternity. This experience is never going to end.
Oh, wait. A glimmer of hope....Blue eyes now seem to have a faint trace of the sparkle that faded 72 hours ago. That sweet voice seems to have a little more strength. There is hope. This just might get better. But, then again, reality. Harsh corridors, an IV pump that seems to scream when each 3 hour session nears an end. My heart races, nerves are rattled, panic has pierced my heart like a two-edged sword. Fear and anxiety rip through my soul.
Well, there it is. I'm wavering. I stepped out of the boat with a huge faith. The storms and wind around me seemed frail in comparison to the Savior in front of me. Walking on the water...then, WHAM! Waves with remarkable force slam into me. Winds howl, mocking me. Mocking my faith. The sinking begins. I can't regain focus. Life as I know it has caved in around me. Soon, I'll be buried beneath the sea. Another victim whose faith couldn't weather the storm.
That's where I am tonight. However, I only have one viable option. Falling on my face, before the THRONE OF GRACE. Only my Father can carry me through. Only He can save my soul from giving territory away to the adversary.
Psalm 27
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear
The LORD is my strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid.
2. When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
The stumbled and fell.
3 Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war mayrise against me
In this I will be confident.
4 One thing I have desired of the LORD;
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of mylife,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.
5 For in the time of trouble
He shall hid me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.
I still am having one of those moments. I actually think that the "moment" has been lasting for three days and could potentially go on for two more very long days.
I claim this scripture. I trust that He will hide me in my time of trouble.
Fear is bondage. Fear is torment. Fear is from the adversary.
None of these are from the Father. He is joy, hope, peace, faith. He is calm in the storm. He is faithful.
Verse 9 of this Psalm my prayer. I hold fast to this.
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been m help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me;
O God of my salvation.
Yes!! O God of MY salvation. Do not leave me. Do not forsake me. Do not hide Your face from me. My strength. My Redeemer. Hold me in the palm of Your righteous hand. I cry out to you O God! I need Your peace, Your strength, Your grace to flood over my soul.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Well-diggers
I always get excited when my pastor preaches from the book of Psalms. Actually, I just get excited anytime he preaches not matter what it's on. Sunday, he preached about traveling through valleys. Psalm 84 was the text. In a conversation with him earlier during the week, he had mentioned this passage. I spent a good time thinking about it and how I should use it. So, Sunday, I was beside myself during his message.
Usually, one does not experience a sense of excitement when a pastor is talking about the valleys in life. However, I knew this was just what I needed. After all, I guess you could say that I'm in a valley right now. Cancer is not the most enjoyable of experiences, so in my book that constitutes it as qualifying for "valley" status. There's not a place on facebook for you to note your status as "on a mountaintop" or "deep in the valley"...because if there was, I think many of you would check the valley box just like me.
When someone asks me what my job is, providing an answer is not a problem at all. Wife, mom, maid, cook, chauffer, teacher, etc. I'm adding one thing to my list of professions....a well digger. You get that?? I've never physically dug a well, but I've been busy the past week trying to dig one in the sense that the author spoke of in Psalm 84.
Throughout this journey so far, I've been looking, listening, and praying to find out how God can use this. What can I leave behind that will help or encourage someone when they walk through this same valley? In Psalm 84, the author digs a well and God fills it with water. Now, won't that be nice for the person that follows behind him? That individual in a dark valley, maybe their soul is filled with grief, sorrow, or despair, stumbles upon this well filled with the refreshing blessings from our sovereign God. Not bitterness. Not anger. Not a cold heart. Just the opposite, a well of water that holds healing for the soul, peace for the heart, and strength for the weary body. So, I continue to dig my well, knowing that God will fill it with something refreshing for others. I'm trusting His hand will guide me down the path that is in His will. Praying that He will bless me with an opportunity to help others facing difficulty. So, the days might be long, maybe even dark. Occasionally, even in the valley, the sun does break through the clouds. No matter how long and dark, I'll keep digging. Digging that well, until God tells me it's time to move on. Maybe He'll take me to another place that's good for well digging. Maybe it will be a mountaintop. Only He knows. I do know that He will take me through this valley...this trouble will pass. I don't know what you are facing. It may be a spiritual battle that feels as it is ripping your heart into pieces. Yours may be a financial hardship, grief, sorrow, despair, the list could go on forever. I do know that our Savior is there with you. He has grace and comfort that no other can provide. He comforts us so that we may help comfort others. He leads us through the valley, we dig a well that helps nourish some dry, thristy soul in the dark night of their trial. He chooses to work through us. He could do it all by Himself, but what a blessing we would miss.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort;
who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so alos our comfort is abundant through Christ.
Usually, one does not experience a sense of excitement when a pastor is talking about the valleys in life. However, I knew this was just what I needed. After all, I guess you could say that I'm in a valley right now. Cancer is not the most enjoyable of experiences, so in my book that constitutes it as qualifying for "valley" status. There's not a place on facebook for you to note your status as "on a mountaintop" or "deep in the valley"...because if there was, I think many of you would check the valley box just like me.
When someone asks me what my job is, providing an answer is not a problem at all. Wife, mom, maid, cook, chauffer, teacher, etc. I'm adding one thing to my list of professions....a well digger. You get that?? I've never physically dug a well, but I've been busy the past week trying to dig one in the sense that the author spoke of in Psalm 84.
Throughout this journey so far, I've been looking, listening, and praying to find out how God can use this. What can I leave behind that will help or encourage someone when they walk through this same valley? In Psalm 84, the author digs a well and God fills it with water. Now, won't that be nice for the person that follows behind him? That individual in a dark valley, maybe their soul is filled with grief, sorrow, or despair, stumbles upon this well filled with the refreshing blessings from our sovereign God. Not bitterness. Not anger. Not a cold heart. Just the opposite, a well of water that holds healing for the soul, peace for the heart, and strength for the weary body. So, I continue to dig my well, knowing that God will fill it with something refreshing for others. I'm trusting His hand will guide me down the path that is in His will. Praying that He will bless me with an opportunity to help others facing difficulty. So, the days might be long, maybe even dark. Occasionally, even in the valley, the sun does break through the clouds. No matter how long and dark, I'll keep digging. Digging that well, until God tells me it's time to move on. Maybe He'll take me to another place that's good for well digging. Maybe it will be a mountaintop. Only He knows. I do know that He will take me through this valley...this trouble will pass. I don't know what you are facing. It may be a spiritual battle that feels as it is ripping your heart into pieces. Yours may be a financial hardship, grief, sorrow, despair, the list could go on forever. I do know that our Savior is there with you. He has grace and comfort that no other can provide. He comforts us so that we may help comfort others. He leads us through the valley, we dig a well that helps nourish some dry, thristy soul in the dark night of their trial. He chooses to work through us. He could do it all by Himself, but what a blessing we would miss.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort;
who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so alos our comfort is abundant through Christ.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Letting go
Letting go. Sometimes, this is an enormous task. Sometimes, letting go is painful. As I think of the things I've had to "let go" during life, I relive some sorrow, grief, pain, and regret. Often, our lives take a turn down a path, and we must let go of relationships, jobs, or even a social status. Sometimes, we have to let go of people we love due to various circumstances. Other times, we let go of certain habits or lifestyles that are not in our best interest. When I look at myself, the hardest thing to release in any circumstance is control. When I was diagnosed just 2 months ago, I immediately proclaimed that my God is great, mighty, and faithful. I began the battle with cancer. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Three weeks into treatment, I met with my oncologists. He told me that we were "cruising right along." Bouncing out of the cancer center, I repeated those words - why they had a musical ring to them. "Cruising right along..." Sounds good doesn't it. We were right on track. Less than 12 hours later, things came to a screeching halt. I had a rough night, resulting in a late night call to Doc. The next day, treatments were postponed and I spent the week receiving fluids all day, each day in his office. I was pretty dehydrated and my blood pressure decided to hang out between 70/30 and 60/30. Doc didn't like this and was determined to get it higher. Low blood pressure is not unusual for me, but oncologists aren't very accepting of these numbers when it comes to sending their patients home. After this week, I figured that SURELY I would resume treatments the next. Not so fast. Friday night found us at the ER with a fever and infection. Sunday brought complete chaos. Stephen was sick. Two of the boys had the flu, one was recovering from croup/bronchitis/asthma stuff. I again had complications and was sent to the ER. This time, I was offered a 3 day, 2 night stay on the 7th floor of Gadsden Regional Medical Center. Yippee. Christmas was coming. My entire family was sick. My treatments were off schedule. I am in the hospital. What had happened? I was doing so well. I was fighting the cancer, and when I got tired -- I let God take over. Yes, I was trying to fight, then letting God handle it when I got tired. He was my backup. That my friends is a problem. God doesn't play backup. He doesn't sit the bench until I'm played out. HE is the one who was capable of fighting this battle. I could do nothing. The two week hiatus provided me with lots of thinking time. God revealed to me that I had not let go of the control in this battle. I was still trying to play Commander in Chief of the cancer battle. He quietly reminded me of Gideon, Joseph, Esther, Jacob, Mary, and countless others from His Word. So many times He had proven Himself capable of fighting the battle. In the hospital bed, by myself, I handed over the control. I truly began to fall at His feet in complete surrender. Since then, He has not been my backup. He's the one and only. I'm His servant, doing what He calls me to do on a daily basis. It was then that I also began to honestly live on a day to day basis. Remembering that I cannot borrow from yesterday, it has already passed. Tomorrow is not promised to me. I only have today.
Things changed. I can't explain it all, I just haven't found the words. I knew He was capable all the time, I just had not let go of the control. Turns out, He was in control all of the time. My stubborn spirit had to learn not to attempt overthrowing Him. He is the Great Physician. Why in the world would I not let him have complete control from the beginning? Why would I try to handle more than one day at a time? Even He took creation one day at a time.
Each day, He has provided me with a new, refreshing peace that washes over my soul. Difficult moments have come, but none can take His peace away.
Each day, He has been in control of my treatments. Chemo and radiation are no good to me if He does not guide each drop of chemo and each radiation beam.
Each day, He has poured mercy and grace to cover my every need.
Each day, He has placed many of His faithful children in my path with encouraging words, meals, gifts of love that bless my heart.
Each day, He has held me in the palm of His hand.
Also....
Each day, the adversary has attempted to steal these things. For he always attempts steal and destroy what our Father is doing. With my Savior's help, I will strive to fight back against satan and his attacks. For, our God is faithful. He is victorious. He is the king of Kings. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess His name.
I have found myself complaining from time to time. Fact: I don't like pain, discomfort, or inconvenience. Well, this entire experience has been painful, full of discomfort, and just downright inconvenient. As I was listening to something - I can't remember what - Philippians 2:14-16 became a topic of discussion. It really hit home, reminding me that no matter what, my attitude should be full of praise and thankfulness toward God.
Philippians 2
v 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
v 14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
v 15 that you may prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
v 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may have cause to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.
I don't know about you, but it humbles me to know that God choose to work in me. Pain, discomfort, inconvenience -- I guess it's worth it if God can use me. What an honor to be part of His plan.
Things changed. I can't explain it all, I just haven't found the words. I knew He was capable all the time, I just had not let go of the control. Turns out, He was in control all of the time. My stubborn spirit had to learn not to attempt overthrowing Him. He is the Great Physician. Why in the world would I not let him have complete control from the beginning? Why would I try to handle more than one day at a time? Even He took creation one day at a time.
Each day, He has provided me with a new, refreshing peace that washes over my soul. Difficult moments have come, but none can take His peace away.
Each day, He has been in control of my treatments. Chemo and radiation are no good to me if He does not guide each drop of chemo and each radiation beam.
Each day, He has poured mercy and grace to cover my every need.
Each day, He has placed many of His faithful children in my path with encouraging words, meals, gifts of love that bless my heart.
Each day, He has held me in the palm of His hand.
Also....
Each day, the adversary has attempted to steal these things. For he always attempts steal and destroy what our Father is doing. With my Savior's help, I will strive to fight back against satan and his attacks. For, our God is faithful. He is victorious. He is the king of Kings. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess His name.
I have found myself complaining from time to time. Fact: I don't like pain, discomfort, or inconvenience. Well, this entire experience has been painful, full of discomfort, and just downright inconvenient. As I was listening to something - I can't remember what - Philippians 2:14-16 became a topic of discussion. It really hit home, reminding me that no matter what, my attitude should be full of praise and thankfulness toward God.
Philippians 2
v 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
v 14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
v 15 that you may prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
v 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may have cause to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.
I don't know about you, but it humbles me to know that God choose to work in me. Pain, discomfort, inconvenience -- I guess it's worth it if God can use me. What an honor to be part of His plan.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Overwhelmed
The past few weeks of my life have been quite overwhelming. Now, in the past, I associated the overwhelmed feeling with mostly negative experiences in my life. However, for every negative that overwhelmed me this time, God has provided something positive that is equal to or even greater than the negative experience. Here are just a few of my experiences...
1. Doctor diagnoses me with cancerous tumor...before I am awake family and friends have arrived at the hospital in overwhelming numbers to pray and support Stephen and me.
2. Tough chemo and radiation are ordered...special friends that are really like family provide me with fuzzy, warm pajamas, fuzzy pink slippers, and fuzzy warm blankets to comfort and keep me warm.
3. Overwhelmed with fatigue...church family shows up and provides meals...each time, more than we needed.
4. Within one week, all 3 boys visit the doctor plus Stephen plus 2 hospital visits for me...God provides financial support through several of my WES family and other friends
5. Days before Christmas, I spend time in the hospital (not prepared for Christmas, b/c I procrastinate)..instead of stress, God provides me with an awesome nursing staff that is knowledgable, caring, and professional
I could go on for days. God has not only met each and every need. He has overwhelmed us with support and people who are waiting to meet our needs. That is just the kind of God He is. When this journey first began, I knew that I would be relying on God as my Healer. I'm also learning how He is my provider. I always knew He would provide for my every need. After all, He met the most important one...my need for the Savior. My need for redemption, He provided. It seems each time something bad or tough has come along, God has met our need--sometimes even before we knew what the need was. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. Amazing is the only way to describe how God has placed people in my life who have helped me along this journey. It is simply indescribable.
At least once a day, I try to have each of my boys look me straight in the eye as I tell them "I love you." Throughout this experience, I feel as if God has taken my face in His hands, looking me in the eyes saying, "My child, I love you." The last two weeks have been rough. At times, I felt as if I was in a dark valley. Yet the entire time, I could feel His presence...His hands holding my facing reminding me of how much He cares. I don't know that I'll ever comprehend how much He loves me. I don't think I'll ever understand why He continues to love me. I do know this...I am honored to have Him walk this journey with me. I am honored to have a precious husband beside me each step of the way. I am honored to have the family and friends that cover me in prayer so faithfully each day. Overwhelmed....with His love, grace, and mercy.
1. Doctor diagnoses me with cancerous tumor...before I am awake family and friends have arrived at the hospital in overwhelming numbers to pray and support Stephen and me.
2. Tough chemo and radiation are ordered...special friends that are really like family provide me with fuzzy, warm pajamas, fuzzy pink slippers, and fuzzy warm blankets to comfort and keep me warm.
3. Overwhelmed with fatigue...church family shows up and provides meals...each time, more than we needed.
4. Within one week, all 3 boys visit the doctor plus Stephen plus 2 hospital visits for me...God provides financial support through several of my WES family and other friends
5. Days before Christmas, I spend time in the hospital (not prepared for Christmas, b/c I procrastinate)..instead of stress, God provides me with an awesome nursing staff that is knowledgable, caring, and professional
I could go on for days. God has not only met each and every need. He has overwhelmed us with support and people who are waiting to meet our needs. That is just the kind of God He is. When this journey first began, I knew that I would be relying on God as my Healer. I'm also learning how He is my provider. I always knew He would provide for my every need. After all, He met the most important one...my need for the Savior. My need for redemption, He provided. It seems each time something bad or tough has come along, God has met our need--sometimes even before we knew what the need was. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. Amazing is the only way to describe how God has placed people in my life who have helped me along this journey. It is simply indescribable.
At least once a day, I try to have each of my boys look me straight in the eye as I tell them "I love you." Throughout this experience, I feel as if God has taken my face in His hands, looking me in the eyes saying, "My child, I love you." The last two weeks have been rough. At times, I felt as if I was in a dark valley. Yet the entire time, I could feel His presence...His hands holding my facing reminding me of how much He cares. I don't know that I'll ever comprehend how much He loves me. I don't think I'll ever understand why He continues to love me. I do know this...I am honored to have Him walk this journey with me. I am honored to have a precious husband beside me each step of the way. I am honored to have the family and friends that cover me in prayer so faithfully each day. Overwhelmed....with His love, grace, and mercy.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
God is using a fanny pack to save my life
Alright. If I'm learning nothing else from my current journey in life -- the one thing I am learning is to never say never. For instance, "I'll never wear a fanny pack. That's just not going to happen." Hmmmm. I know that God must be laughing. He has a sense of humor, otherwise, this whole fanny pack thing would be downright cruel. I have not decided on my own that a fanny pack is my choice to make a fashion statement. The "pack" as I will now refer to it, mainly because I despise the sound of the other name I've been using for it, will carry a pump that distributes part of my chemo treatments. I mean, my goodness, was nothing better looking that the medical field could come up with??? There are a lot of smart people out there, don't tell me there is not a stitch of fashion sense among it. You just never know what life is going to throw at you next. I had written several days ago that I was facing several unknowns. The truth of it all is that we are all facing countless unknowns in our life. We think that we know. We think we have it planned. We think we have it all figured out. At least, I thought I did. God has a way of just showing up and placing a "road closed" sign in front of us. This forces us to take another path. It may not be the path we had planned for, maybe it was a consideration -- but not the one we wanted. Sometimes, that path was not even an option in our feeble human minds.
As I was driving to one of my appointments (6 days after my diagnosis, 2 days before tragedy struck my WHS kids) I was listening to a sermon on the Lord's prayer. My pastor has been preaching on this, so this was kind of an enrichment lesson I guess one could say. The topic was the line in the prayer, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." Ever really thought about that? You've probably prayed it before. I know I have. I also know that I'm quite guilty of praying this without really meaning it. If I truly desire for God's will to come alive in my life, I must be willing to give him complete access and rule over every area of my heart. The following example was given. Imagine inviting a guest to your home. You sincerely tell them to make themselves at home. What is yours is theirs. You want your guest to feel total freedom in your home. The next morning, you leave for work. Before doing so, you lock the fridge, lock the bathroom, lock the family room (with access to the television) and so on. You get the picture. It was like God slapped me in the face. This pastor was talking to me. To allow God to be glorified, I had to hand over the control of this cancer battle to Him. Only He could work in a way that would bring honor and glorify His name. There is nothing I can do to accomplish that. I have a diagnosis. I have a treatment plan. Again, the doctors are keeping me on a need to know basis. Not too much information at any given point lest I try to take the reigns away from the One who really is in charge. The fact is, they are having to wait on the first round of treatment to really decide where to go next. The seem to know everything about my cancer. However, I do know that they don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know who does.
Just a week ago, 3 teenage boys were traveling on a familiar stretch of road. The vehicle struck a phone pole and one young man was killed instantly. Two others were sent to the hospital with numbers of injuries, some requiring extensive surgery. Did any of these boys plan on this? No. Did their families in any way forsee this? No. Was our Heavenly Father surprised by this? No. He knew this was going to happen. Nothing surprises him. Now to us, it was an unknown. We had no clue this was coming. The entire community is still wondering how to work through the sorrow and grief accompanied with this situation. One young man had plans for the very next day -- he actually didn't make it to that destination, instead he stood before the Creator of the universe. One young man will never have the same life. They all three had plans for the weekend, plans for a senior year, even college plans. Planning is not a bad thing. I guess I'm just learning that God may change our plans. I must be sensitive to His heart so that I am able to accept these changes. When these changes are hard and may bring hurt and sorrow to our hearts, I have to trust Him to walk through that valley with me.
In the 23rd Psalm, the writer tells us that even when we walk through the shadow of the valley of death, HE is with us. The prince of darkness is waiting in that shadow. Waiting for God's children to throw in the towel and declare that we quit. I've felt like doing that at times. However, I have to stand tall and remember who I serve. Cancer, death, financial hardships....none of these ever surprise Him.
Just some of the things He's told us:
I'll never leave you nor forsake you...
I've loved you with an everlasting love...
I know the plans I have for you....
Those that wait upon the Lord...Isaiah 40:31
To those of you at WHS, I love you dearly and pray for you daily. How about we face these unknowns together in prayer??
To my family (both blood and non-blood related) --couldn't make it without you. God has blessed me beyond what my mind can conceive.
Much love,
Tracey
As I was driving to one of my appointments (6 days after my diagnosis, 2 days before tragedy struck my WHS kids) I was listening to a sermon on the Lord's prayer. My pastor has been preaching on this, so this was kind of an enrichment lesson I guess one could say. The topic was the line in the prayer, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." Ever really thought about that? You've probably prayed it before. I know I have. I also know that I'm quite guilty of praying this without really meaning it. If I truly desire for God's will to come alive in my life, I must be willing to give him complete access and rule over every area of my heart. The following example was given. Imagine inviting a guest to your home. You sincerely tell them to make themselves at home. What is yours is theirs. You want your guest to feel total freedom in your home. The next morning, you leave for work. Before doing so, you lock the fridge, lock the bathroom, lock the family room (with access to the television) and so on. You get the picture. It was like God slapped me in the face. This pastor was talking to me. To allow God to be glorified, I had to hand over the control of this cancer battle to Him. Only He could work in a way that would bring honor and glorify His name. There is nothing I can do to accomplish that. I have a diagnosis. I have a treatment plan. Again, the doctors are keeping me on a need to know basis. Not too much information at any given point lest I try to take the reigns away from the One who really is in charge. The fact is, they are having to wait on the first round of treatment to really decide where to go next. The seem to know everything about my cancer. However, I do know that they don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know who does.
Just a week ago, 3 teenage boys were traveling on a familiar stretch of road. The vehicle struck a phone pole and one young man was killed instantly. Two others were sent to the hospital with numbers of injuries, some requiring extensive surgery. Did any of these boys plan on this? No. Did their families in any way forsee this? No. Was our Heavenly Father surprised by this? No. He knew this was going to happen. Nothing surprises him. Now to us, it was an unknown. We had no clue this was coming. The entire community is still wondering how to work through the sorrow and grief accompanied with this situation. One young man had plans for the very next day -- he actually didn't make it to that destination, instead he stood before the Creator of the universe. One young man will never have the same life. They all three had plans for the weekend, plans for a senior year, even college plans. Planning is not a bad thing. I guess I'm just learning that God may change our plans. I must be sensitive to His heart so that I am able to accept these changes. When these changes are hard and may bring hurt and sorrow to our hearts, I have to trust Him to walk through that valley with me.
In the 23rd Psalm, the writer tells us that even when we walk through the shadow of the valley of death, HE is with us. The prince of darkness is waiting in that shadow. Waiting for God's children to throw in the towel and declare that we quit. I've felt like doing that at times. However, I have to stand tall and remember who I serve. Cancer, death, financial hardships....none of these ever surprise Him.
Just some of the things He's told us:
I'll never leave you nor forsake you...
I've loved you with an everlasting love...
I know the plans I have for you....
Those that wait upon the Lord...Isaiah 40:31
To those of you at WHS, I love you dearly and pray for you daily. How about we face these unknowns together in prayer??
To my family (both blood and non-blood related) --couldn't make it without you. God has blessed me beyond what my mind can conceive.
Much love,
Tracey
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I'm a Survivor
Relay for Life has been a passion of mine for quite some time, now. Well, somebody needs to let the people in charge know that I will be in need of a Survivor shirt in May!! I know there is a long road ahead of me, but I have God on my side and He is bigger and better than anything else that may come my way. For some reason, He has seen fit to allow me to walk through this time. Maybe some day he will reveal this to me, but He may choose not to. Either way, I'm praying He is glorified and people are brought to His saving grace through this experience.
The next few days are busy, but again...I'll take busy. In case you don't know, I received the results from my pet scan today. They confirmed what April's dog had already told Ashley, April, Cindy, and myself on Saturday night -- no additional cancer. Now, I do have to apologize to Sam, because I didn't completely trust his judgement. Sorry, old boy. There's a box of doggie treats on its way!! Here is a rough outline of what we expect.
Wednesday: Dr at Trinity will perform an ultrasound that will provide even more details on the tumor. This will help the radiation oncologist be as precise as possible.
Thursday: I might get to eat. Yippee!! I'm thinking lots of m&m's......Maybe even chocolate ice cream....
Friday: Visit with the radiation oncologist -- I haven't met him yet. However, I think there will be days that I won't like him a whole lot -- but at the end I'll pretty much love him to pieces.
Monday: Visit with surgeon who will schedule to put in a port for chemo; also another visit with oncologist
After that, we will begin treatments asap. The oncologists hopes to have things underway next week.
I don't know how I'll feel. I don't have the name of the exact drug and its intensity yet. I'll try to keep the blog updated. No matter what, I feel the prayers you are all sending to our Heavenly Father. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I am so very grateful for that. You all will never know the impact you are having on my life. It is an honor to be surrounded with such a support system, I know I very much don't deserve it.
God provides grace for us to handle situations as He guides us through. However, he doesn't just give us a lump sum of what we'll need prior to the situation. I can't help but think about the Hebrew children as they waited each day to receive the manna God provided. If they stored too much, it spoiled. If they did not receive what God had sent, they went hungry that day. God will provide the grace and strength I need just when I need it. He also will provide enough to see me through. Recently, Holly sent me the song "Always Enough" by Casting Crowns. It is becoming my new "theme' song. I constantly have a song that I cling to that describes my life situation at the moment. This one just hit home -- it fits. He is always enough. No matter what you are going through now or what you will face in the future, my Savior is always enough. He was enough to cover my sin, what more could I want?? If He can do that, He can fight this cancer battle with me!
Humor in all this:
My best gal pal was riding in the car with her 8 year old daughter.
Daughter: Mom, you've been praying for Ms. Tracey like I have. I think we've been praying the same thing.
Mom: Well, what have you been praying for?
Daughter: I've been praying that the pet scan shows cancer has not spread to her liver. Because if it has, she might get the jaundice like Michael Jackson did. We don't want that, do we?!?!
My thoughts: Don't we wish the only problem Michael Jackson had was the jaundice???
My dear Kylee, you will never know the place you hold in my heart!! Much love!!!
The next few days are busy, but again...I'll take busy. In case you don't know, I received the results from my pet scan today. They confirmed what April's dog had already told Ashley, April, Cindy, and myself on Saturday night -- no additional cancer. Now, I do have to apologize to Sam, because I didn't completely trust his judgement. Sorry, old boy. There's a box of doggie treats on its way!! Here is a rough outline of what we expect.
Wednesday: Dr at Trinity will perform an ultrasound that will provide even more details on the tumor. This will help the radiation oncologist be as precise as possible.
Thursday: I might get to eat. Yippee!! I'm thinking lots of m&m's......Maybe even chocolate ice cream....
Friday: Visit with the radiation oncologist -- I haven't met him yet. However, I think there will be days that I won't like him a whole lot -- but at the end I'll pretty much love him to pieces.
Monday: Visit with surgeon who will schedule to put in a port for chemo; also another visit with oncologist
After that, we will begin treatments asap. The oncologists hopes to have things underway next week.
I don't know how I'll feel. I don't have the name of the exact drug and its intensity yet. I'll try to keep the blog updated. No matter what, I feel the prayers you are all sending to our Heavenly Father. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I am so very grateful for that. You all will never know the impact you are having on my life. It is an honor to be surrounded with such a support system, I know I very much don't deserve it.
God provides grace for us to handle situations as He guides us through. However, he doesn't just give us a lump sum of what we'll need prior to the situation. I can't help but think about the Hebrew children as they waited each day to receive the manna God provided. If they stored too much, it spoiled. If they did not receive what God had sent, they went hungry that day. God will provide the grace and strength I need just when I need it. He also will provide enough to see me through. Recently, Holly sent me the song "Always Enough" by Casting Crowns. It is becoming my new "theme' song. I constantly have a song that I cling to that describes my life situation at the moment. This one just hit home -- it fits. He is always enough. No matter what you are going through now or what you will face in the future, my Savior is always enough. He was enough to cover my sin, what more could I want?? If He can do that, He can fight this cancer battle with me!
Humor in all this:
My best gal pal was riding in the car with her 8 year old daughter.
Daughter: Mom, you've been praying for Ms. Tracey like I have. I think we've been praying the same thing.
Mom: Well, what have you been praying for?
Daughter: I've been praying that the pet scan shows cancer has not spread to her liver. Because if it has, she might get the jaundice like Michael Jackson did. We don't want that, do we?!?!
My thoughts: Don't we wish the only problem Michael Jackson had was the jaundice???
My dear Kylee, you will never know the place you hold in my heart!! Much love!!!
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