Alright, if you aren't familiar with Hebrews 12:1-2, then you need to read it.
My relay team is centered around the theme of endurance, which we was inspired by these verses.
My personality:
high maintenance
emotional
charismatic
opinionated
etc.
etc.
etc.
So, to say that I'm pumped about relay is not a surprise to many. I get excited about a lot. A pair of bright pink heels that match my dress, peanut butter cookies, college basketball, comfy pillows... So what? Tracey's excited about something else. Big deal. Yep. It is a BIG DEAL. Not just big, but H - U - G - E!
Tomorrow, as the sun rises on those soccer fields, activity will be pretty much along the level of ...none. As the sun rises in the sky, so will the level of activity. A few tents dot the landscape this evening, but tomorrow the army will march in and establish their territory. Tents will be staked. Banners and signs displayed. This is our way of marking our territory in the battle against cancer. You will notice signs for the various teams. We have raised money, collected donations, washed cars, worked concession stands...you name it. It's been done, all in the name of Relay for Life. Hundreds will gather for a time of fellowship and fun. A time to celebrate those victorious in the battle against cancer. A time to remember those who fought an amazing fight, those who fought until they inhaled that last breath on this planet. A time to fight back and let cancer know we are ready for a world with more birthdays.
I wonder what it will feel like to be at my campsite surrounded by those who love me and support me every moment of every day with their selfless contributions to my life. I wonder what it will be like as I walk that survivor's lap with a group of people who are probably much braver and stronger than I'll ever be. I wonder how heavy my heart will be as I tie an orange ribbon around Cassie's torch. A mix of emotions flood my soul as I ponder my walk through the garden of luminaria. I know what I think it will feel like, but I also know the actual event will overwhelm my spirit.
Here it is. 'Tis the night before relay. Already, my heart races at thoughts of the survivor's lap, then pain rips through my heart as I think of those that I wish were still here to walk with me. Truth is, where are they now. Well Cassie is walking around something much better than a survivor's lap...streets of gold, getting to chat with people like Paul, Esther, Moses, and Abraham. Elizabeth Russ, I just can't help but imagine a conversation between her Ruth, and Naomi. So, as my heavy heart misses these precious ones, I know they are experiencing the ultimate victory. Life with our precious Savior.
Well, I'm ready for my lap. Reminding myself that each step is not in vain. Each step that is taken is a resounding "We're not finished yet." Cancer, get ready. You may have broken our hearts. You may made life difficult for a season. But, you haven't seen the last of us. We are ready to run this race, fight this battle.
As you approach the actual relay site, there's nothing particularly special about the site. The special part is what's happening there. A spirit of determination. Perseverance. Hope. As the sun sets, the night grows dark and long...know this - the sun will rise again. What a sweet feeling as those first few beams hit your face after the long dark night. A sense of joy, perhaps? Just when you think you are too tired. When the night seems too dark, you can't see the end. Know this...JOY will come in the morning. You are not just relaying. You are enduring, persevering...showing your loved one that you are aware of the rough road a cancer patient faces. You are showing the caregivers that you are behind them and support them as they sacrifice so many things to care for that precious one they love. As a survivor, your presence there, speaks volumes. Each step you take shows me that you are IN the battle with me. I must say, I have the best set of warriors by my side! Wouldn't choose any different if I could! I love you, thank God for you, and am THE most blessed individual on the planet.
Much love,
Tracey
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Encouraging Friday
Well, I was down for the count today...chemo side effects. However, my heart has never been so encouraged as it was today. Good gracious, Alabamians have gone far beyond the call of duty to help their neighbors. I am proud to say that I think we some of the best government officials in the country. As I watch not only Walt Maddox, but other officials, they are handling each situation and circumstance with care and compassion. How God has blessed our state!
As I listened to the radio, each station seemed overwhelmed with requests. Now, these weren't requests from people seeking help...these were requests from people desiring to help others. Churches, schools, groups, individuals - all seeking to meet so many of the needs. I know many in this country look down upon Southerners, many scratching their heads as to why one would want to live here. Well, this is why. God is using His people to meet the needs of others. I am just so excited to see what He will do in upcoming weeks and months.
Now, I do have to give credit where credit is due. Many of you know that I disagree with most of what our current President stands for. However, watching footage of him in Alabama, I was so grateful to see the compassion in the eyes of President Obama and the First Lady. What's even more exciting is that they got to witness true southern hospitality as citizens helped each other begin the arduous task of rebuilding lives after this disaster.
I do have to say, not only am I proud to be a Southerner, but I am proud to be from Alabama.
As I listened to the radio, each station seemed overwhelmed with requests. Now, these weren't requests from people seeking help...these were requests from people desiring to help others. Churches, schools, groups, individuals - all seeking to meet so many of the needs. I know many in this country look down upon Southerners, many scratching their heads as to why one would want to live here. Well, this is why. God is using His people to meet the needs of others. I am just so excited to see what He will do in upcoming weeks and months.
Now, I do have to give credit where credit is due. Many of you know that I disagree with most of what our current President stands for. However, watching footage of him in Alabama, I was so grateful to see the compassion in the eyes of President Obama and the First Lady. What's even more exciting is that they got to witness true southern hospitality as citizens helped each other begin the arduous task of rebuilding lives after this disaster.
I do have to say, not only am I proud to be a Southerner, but I am proud to be from Alabama.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Intelligence insulted
I don't know quite how to express what all is inside of me. To begin with, I am a very blessed woman. Not only did my family make it through the storms without even a scratch, we have no material loss.
As the storm neared our county, I began to choose some of the few pictures and other personal items that I wanted to keep with us in our "safe place." The number of these items was fewer than 10. One was the painting Susan Meyer completed at the request of my husband. This was my Christmas gift from him just 4 months ago. The painting contains Habakkuk 3:18-19 and is contained in a frame built by my father. This item -- worth more in my eyes than any Monet or Picasso piece on the planet. A couple of family pictures and pottery containing the boys' handprints. I had watched the storm as it traveled through Mississippi and Tuscaloosa. I knew that this was something beyond what I could ever imagine. We lost power and in the basement, I attempted to entertain 3 energetic boys with a game of Yahtzee. Stephen monitored the weather more closely than I have ever seen him. He is not one to panic and usually pays no attention to the weather. This is proven by the numerous times he has traveled during the day from one store to another oblivious to the tornado warnings that project major storms along his expected route. Knowing he was on the watch, I drifted off to sleep, thinking about how grateful I was for our basement and the safety it provided for my 3 precious little ones.
Then, I awoke on Thursday morning. As I began to attempt to grasp what had happened, I chose to listen to a press conference including our governor. Might I say, he did a magnificent job handling some of the most insensitive questions posed by some of the press. After a lengthy explanation by some official, I'm guessing they must be affiliated with EMA, all who were listening SHOULD have been aware of the devestation that is covering our state. The particular official did a magnificent job, with great care and sensitivity to let people know what had happened over the previous 24 hours. Then the time came for questions via phone from members of the press. My blood pressure probably increased to stroke level upon hearing these questions. One individual was from the Washington Post, and I hope I never meet him. He implied that maybe the loss of life was due to the ignorance of citizens or the inadequacy of the officials, meterologists, telvision stations, etc. Sir, might I say...just as you would not blame a hurricane on citizens along a coastal region, just as you would not blame an earthquake on the residents along a major fault line, you must be careful here. The loss of life and property is not for lack of intelligence or preparedness. I think James Spann said it well yesterday as he watched the tornado approach Tuscaloosa. He commented that all you can do is "pray for those people." One of the best and most intelligent men in weather forecasting admitted that there was nothing that could be done. Yes, you can go to your safe place. Yes, you can practice all you know about severe weather preparedness. However, when it comes to something of this magnitude, there is not a whole lot humans can do. If I could speak with this individual I would like for him to experience a little of our Southern culture. In some regions of the world, children by the age of 5 can explain to you what would need to be done in the event of an earthquake. In the deep south, our children by the age of 5 can probably tell you exactly how to prepare in the event of a severe storm or tornado threat. My friends from outside the southeast, it is not that we did not know nor did we ignore the warnings. Ignorance is not the reason for this. This was a natural disaster. Only the Creator of this universe could have stopped this. Please have a little more sensitivity. People are frantically searching for loved ones. Some are sifting through the splintered remains to salvage what little they can. You see, Mr. Reporter, as you sleep comfortably in your bed tonight, I sleep comfortably at my dad's house. You see I have no water right now. However, there are others who are experiencing grief and devestation unlike your or I have never experienced. So, to answer your question. No. We didn't ignore things, we were not unprepared, we are not dumb and stupid as you might like to think. We ARE heartbroken, devestated, but Alabamians will rally together to help our neighbors in need.
Now, I have that out of the way. Questions are swirling around in my head. There are so many thoughts jumping around that I feel as if my brain will just explode at any time.
Why me? Why is my family safe? Why did I not suffer material loss? The only answer I can find is that God did not see fit for my family to walk through that trial at this time. I do know that my heart is breaking for those, most of whom I've never met, that have suffered great tragedy and heartache in the past 48 hours. I pray that God will pour out His mercy and send His people - including me- to where they are needed.
Entire cities have been leveled. Watching footage of the destruction amazes me. The news crew just equated what happened yesterday to having 2 hurricanes ravage our state in a short amount of time. Don't know about you, but that just makes my bones shiver just a bit. I saw several posts on facebook that encouraged people to just be safe and not worry. Yes, God does tell us not to fear, but I couldn't help but feel a knot in the pit of my stomach as I watched the tornado move through Tuscaloosa and on toward Birmingham. It just grieved my heart to know that some people were in that path, in the safest place they could find, but it would still not be enough. When dealing with an F-5 tornado, 1 mile wide tracking 200+ miles....there's not much we as humans can do. Yes, I tried not to worry, but I think God does burden our hearts for certain things. I think some people might have hit a panic state that was not healthy, but I do believe that many were burdened for those that would be left to pick up pieces and travel along a road that could be rough and lonely to reach emotional healing after this.
What can I take from this?
I teach Science and that makes me take a special interest in natural disasters. Over the past 10 years, I pay extra attention to disasters around the world. From flooding in Nashville, to earthquakes in Haiti, I never fail to get totally and completely wrapped up in these situations. God has a reason for everything. I don't know His reason for the Haiti earthquake, the flooding in Nashville, Hurricane Katrina, or the tornadic activity in Alabama. I do know this...He was God before all of these things and He is still on His throne throughout these events.
I've heard people say that maybe Haitians deserved the earthquake. The argument behind that for some people is due to the amount of witchcraft and other practices directly opposed to God's word. I'm not quite sure if this is the truth. I may never know. I do know one thing. God does love the people of Haiti. He has a plan and has never lost control of this situation.
After Hurricane Katrina, many people were blamed for the disastrous results and the loss of life. Again, I don't know God's purpose with this. Tragic, heartbreaking, devestating. Yet, He was in control the entire time and still is in control.
April 27, 2011....my birthday. Yet, I won't remember it as a birthday. I will remember it as a time that our state was hit with one of the worst tornado outbreaks in history. What is the reason? Yet, one more time I'm without an answer. Who is in control? I have an answer for that. God. The same God who was in control the day before, on April 26th, is still in control on April 28th as citizens sift through to salvage belongings and begin healing. We will not always know God's purpose, but we can always know that He will restore His people. I can't help but think that His heart must ache for the church to rise and show His love. I have seen that today. People searching for places to help. Strangers arriving in communities just because they want to donate their time or resources.
I was listening to Travis Cottrell singing "My Inheritance" this evening.
I will shout, I will sing, Jesus You're my everything.
I am rich, I am blessed...
In Psalm, the Father tells us, "be still and know that I am God." Still is not easy for me. I'm waiting. I know He has something for me to do over the next few days. I know that if I jump ahead of Him, I'll mess it up. If I wait for His leadership, I will be allowed to bless someone else. I'll be able to show His love.
I am rich, I am blessed....not because I retained my material posessions, but because I am a daughter of the King. Not force of nature can ever take that from me.
The most encouraging thing I heard today occurred while I was listening to our local radio station that is an affiliate of Moody broadcasting 90.7, WGRW Grace radio. At 7:30, I heard Jon Holder express his thoughts on the events and hear his heart that seemed to pour out a message of grace and hope straight from the Father. Then, later in the afternoon, I had the opportunity to listen to an individual from Moody broadcasting outside of the south. He was speaking with a gentleman from Alabama affiliated with MBN stations here in our state. The concern from the Christian community was so sincere. You could hear the sincerity in their voice. Repeatedly asking, "How can we pray specifically for those involved in this tragedy?" Begging to know how they could help. I couldn't help but reflect back on the individual from the Washington Post. The secular media compared to this precious man of God. Insults and attempts to blame individuals from one media source. Prayer, concern, and compassion from another media source. Once again, I am thanking God for His children who are in tune with His heart as they minister to others. May I remember this attitude and where my heart needs to be.
As the storm neared our county, I began to choose some of the few pictures and other personal items that I wanted to keep with us in our "safe place." The number of these items was fewer than 10. One was the painting Susan Meyer completed at the request of my husband. This was my Christmas gift from him just 4 months ago. The painting contains Habakkuk 3:18-19 and is contained in a frame built by my father. This item -- worth more in my eyes than any Monet or Picasso piece on the planet. A couple of family pictures and pottery containing the boys' handprints. I had watched the storm as it traveled through Mississippi and Tuscaloosa. I knew that this was something beyond what I could ever imagine. We lost power and in the basement, I attempted to entertain 3 energetic boys with a game of Yahtzee. Stephen monitored the weather more closely than I have ever seen him. He is not one to panic and usually pays no attention to the weather. This is proven by the numerous times he has traveled during the day from one store to another oblivious to the tornado warnings that project major storms along his expected route. Knowing he was on the watch, I drifted off to sleep, thinking about how grateful I was for our basement and the safety it provided for my 3 precious little ones.
Then, I awoke on Thursday morning. As I began to attempt to grasp what had happened, I chose to listen to a press conference including our governor. Might I say, he did a magnificent job handling some of the most insensitive questions posed by some of the press. After a lengthy explanation by some official, I'm guessing they must be affiliated with EMA, all who were listening SHOULD have been aware of the devestation that is covering our state. The particular official did a magnificent job, with great care and sensitivity to let people know what had happened over the previous 24 hours. Then the time came for questions via phone from members of the press. My blood pressure probably increased to stroke level upon hearing these questions. One individual was from the Washington Post, and I hope I never meet him. He implied that maybe the loss of life was due to the ignorance of citizens or the inadequacy of the officials, meterologists, telvision stations, etc. Sir, might I say...just as you would not blame a hurricane on citizens along a coastal region, just as you would not blame an earthquake on the residents along a major fault line, you must be careful here. The loss of life and property is not for lack of intelligence or preparedness. I think James Spann said it well yesterday as he watched the tornado approach Tuscaloosa. He commented that all you can do is "pray for those people." One of the best and most intelligent men in weather forecasting admitted that there was nothing that could be done. Yes, you can go to your safe place. Yes, you can practice all you know about severe weather preparedness. However, when it comes to something of this magnitude, there is not a whole lot humans can do. If I could speak with this individual I would like for him to experience a little of our Southern culture. In some regions of the world, children by the age of 5 can explain to you what would need to be done in the event of an earthquake. In the deep south, our children by the age of 5 can probably tell you exactly how to prepare in the event of a severe storm or tornado threat. My friends from outside the southeast, it is not that we did not know nor did we ignore the warnings. Ignorance is not the reason for this. This was a natural disaster. Only the Creator of this universe could have stopped this. Please have a little more sensitivity. People are frantically searching for loved ones. Some are sifting through the splintered remains to salvage what little they can. You see, Mr. Reporter, as you sleep comfortably in your bed tonight, I sleep comfortably at my dad's house. You see I have no water right now. However, there are others who are experiencing grief and devestation unlike your or I have never experienced. So, to answer your question. No. We didn't ignore things, we were not unprepared, we are not dumb and stupid as you might like to think. We ARE heartbroken, devestated, but Alabamians will rally together to help our neighbors in need.
Now, I have that out of the way. Questions are swirling around in my head. There are so many thoughts jumping around that I feel as if my brain will just explode at any time.
Why me? Why is my family safe? Why did I not suffer material loss? The only answer I can find is that God did not see fit for my family to walk through that trial at this time. I do know that my heart is breaking for those, most of whom I've never met, that have suffered great tragedy and heartache in the past 48 hours. I pray that God will pour out His mercy and send His people - including me- to where they are needed.
Entire cities have been leveled. Watching footage of the destruction amazes me. The news crew just equated what happened yesterday to having 2 hurricanes ravage our state in a short amount of time. Don't know about you, but that just makes my bones shiver just a bit. I saw several posts on facebook that encouraged people to just be safe and not worry. Yes, God does tell us not to fear, but I couldn't help but feel a knot in the pit of my stomach as I watched the tornado move through Tuscaloosa and on toward Birmingham. It just grieved my heart to know that some people were in that path, in the safest place they could find, but it would still not be enough. When dealing with an F-5 tornado, 1 mile wide tracking 200+ miles....there's not much we as humans can do. Yes, I tried not to worry, but I think God does burden our hearts for certain things. I think some people might have hit a panic state that was not healthy, but I do believe that many were burdened for those that would be left to pick up pieces and travel along a road that could be rough and lonely to reach emotional healing after this.
What can I take from this?
I teach Science and that makes me take a special interest in natural disasters. Over the past 10 years, I pay extra attention to disasters around the world. From flooding in Nashville, to earthquakes in Haiti, I never fail to get totally and completely wrapped up in these situations. God has a reason for everything. I don't know His reason for the Haiti earthquake, the flooding in Nashville, Hurricane Katrina, or the tornadic activity in Alabama. I do know this...He was God before all of these things and He is still on His throne throughout these events.
I've heard people say that maybe Haitians deserved the earthquake. The argument behind that for some people is due to the amount of witchcraft and other practices directly opposed to God's word. I'm not quite sure if this is the truth. I may never know. I do know one thing. God does love the people of Haiti. He has a plan and has never lost control of this situation.
After Hurricane Katrina, many people were blamed for the disastrous results and the loss of life. Again, I don't know God's purpose with this. Tragic, heartbreaking, devestating. Yet, He was in control the entire time and still is in control.
April 27, 2011....my birthday. Yet, I won't remember it as a birthday. I will remember it as a time that our state was hit with one of the worst tornado outbreaks in history. What is the reason? Yet, one more time I'm without an answer. Who is in control? I have an answer for that. God. The same God who was in control the day before, on April 26th, is still in control on April 28th as citizens sift through to salvage belongings and begin healing. We will not always know God's purpose, but we can always know that He will restore His people. I can't help but think that His heart must ache for the church to rise and show His love. I have seen that today. People searching for places to help. Strangers arriving in communities just because they want to donate their time or resources.
I was listening to Travis Cottrell singing "My Inheritance" this evening.
I will shout, I will sing, Jesus You're my everything.
I am rich, I am blessed...
In Psalm, the Father tells us, "be still and know that I am God." Still is not easy for me. I'm waiting. I know He has something for me to do over the next few days. I know that if I jump ahead of Him, I'll mess it up. If I wait for His leadership, I will be allowed to bless someone else. I'll be able to show His love.
I am rich, I am blessed....not because I retained my material posessions, but because I am a daughter of the King. Not force of nature can ever take that from me.
The most encouraging thing I heard today occurred while I was listening to our local radio station that is an affiliate of Moody broadcasting 90.7, WGRW Grace radio. At 7:30, I heard Jon Holder express his thoughts on the events and hear his heart that seemed to pour out a message of grace and hope straight from the Father. Then, later in the afternoon, I had the opportunity to listen to an individual from Moody broadcasting outside of the south. He was speaking with a gentleman from Alabama affiliated with MBN stations here in our state. The concern from the Christian community was so sincere. You could hear the sincerity in their voice. Repeatedly asking, "How can we pray specifically for those involved in this tragedy?" Begging to know how they could help. I couldn't help but reflect back on the individual from the Washington Post. The secular media compared to this precious man of God. Insults and attempts to blame individuals from one media source. Prayer, concern, and compassion from another media source. Once again, I am thanking God for His children who are in tune with His heart as they minister to others. May I remember this attitude and where my heart needs to be.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
And here we are
So. Here we are. Less than 48 hours until surgery. I'm sitting at the hospital with one of my precious boys and my precious husband. IV hooked up to a 4 year old is not the idea I had for this week. This is just one of those times that I'm learning my ways are not His ways and His ways are MUCH, MUCH higher than my ways. It's a good thing I wasn't in charge of creating the universe. I'm a bundle of nerves just trying to take care of my kiddos and undergo surgery. Imagine what a mess I would have made if He had put me in charge of everything.
For those of you who are wondering what is going on inside my head, well here it is.
Here I am. Weary, weak, worn and a bundle of nerves. It seems that if the devil can attack me, he has tried every way possible. I feel as if the very life is draining out of me. Exhaustion has not only taken over my physical being, but my emotional and mental state as well. Guilt weighs on my heart with every decision I make. If I stay with my sick little one, I feel as though I'm ignoring my other boys. If I go home with my other boys, then I'm whimping out on being a mom and enduring the sleepless nights beside the hospital bed. Not everything is in order for my boys to be in someone else's care. I don't have clothes packed for them. I've not bought groceries and snacks. My first-born that aims to please everyone has no lunchables for next week. Ugghh!
My insides feel as if they are shaking and my nerves are raw. Each tick of the clock seems to last an eternity. This experience is never going to end.
Oh, wait. A glimmer of hope....Blue eyes now seem to have a faint trace of the sparkle that faded 72 hours ago. That sweet voice seems to have a little more strength. There is hope. This just might get better. But, then again, reality. Harsh corridors, an IV pump that seems to scream when each 3 hour session nears an end. My heart races, nerves are rattled, panic has pierced my heart like a two-edged sword. Fear and anxiety rip through my soul.
Well, there it is. I'm wavering. I stepped out of the boat with a huge faith. The storms and wind around me seemed frail in comparison to the Savior in front of me. Walking on the water...then, WHAM! Waves with remarkable force slam into me. Winds howl, mocking me. Mocking my faith. The sinking begins. I can't regain focus. Life as I know it has caved in around me. Soon, I'll be buried beneath the sea. Another victim whose faith couldn't weather the storm.
That's where I am tonight. However, I only have one viable option. Falling on my face, before the THRONE OF GRACE. Only my Father can carry me through. Only He can save my soul from giving territory away to the adversary.
Psalm 27
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear
The LORD is my strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid.
2. When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
The stumbled and fell.
3 Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war mayrise against me
In this I will be confident.
4 One thing I have desired of the LORD;
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of mylife,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.
5 For in the time of trouble
He shall hid me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.
I still am having one of those moments. I actually think that the "moment" has been lasting for three days and could potentially go on for two more very long days.
I claim this scripture. I trust that He will hide me in my time of trouble.
Fear is bondage. Fear is torment. Fear is from the adversary.
None of these are from the Father. He is joy, hope, peace, faith. He is calm in the storm. He is faithful.
Verse 9 of this Psalm my prayer. I hold fast to this.
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been m help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me;
O God of my salvation.
Yes!! O God of MY salvation. Do not leave me. Do not forsake me. Do not hide Your face from me. My strength. My Redeemer. Hold me in the palm of Your righteous hand. I cry out to you O God! I need Your peace, Your strength, Your grace to flood over my soul.
For those of you who are wondering what is going on inside my head, well here it is.
Here I am. Weary, weak, worn and a bundle of nerves. It seems that if the devil can attack me, he has tried every way possible. I feel as if the very life is draining out of me. Exhaustion has not only taken over my physical being, but my emotional and mental state as well. Guilt weighs on my heart with every decision I make. If I stay with my sick little one, I feel as though I'm ignoring my other boys. If I go home with my other boys, then I'm whimping out on being a mom and enduring the sleepless nights beside the hospital bed. Not everything is in order for my boys to be in someone else's care. I don't have clothes packed for them. I've not bought groceries and snacks. My first-born that aims to please everyone has no lunchables for next week. Ugghh!
My insides feel as if they are shaking and my nerves are raw. Each tick of the clock seems to last an eternity. This experience is never going to end.
Oh, wait. A glimmer of hope....Blue eyes now seem to have a faint trace of the sparkle that faded 72 hours ago. That sweet voice seems to have a little more strength. There is hope. This just might get better. But, then again, reality. Harsh corridors, an IV pump that seems to scream when each 3 hour session nears an end. My heart races, nerves are rattled, panic has pierced my heart like a two-edged sword. Fear and anxiety rip through my soul.
Well, there it is. I'm wavering. I stepped out of the boat with a huge faith. The storms and wind around me seemed frail in comparison to the Savior in front of me. Walking on the water...then, WHAM! Waves with remarkable force slam into me. Winds howl, mocking me. Mocking my faith. The sinking begins. I can't regain focus. Life as I know it has caved in around me. Soon, I'll be buried beneath the sea. Another victim whose faith couldn't weather the storm.
That's where I am tonight. However, I only have one viable option. Falling on my face, before the THRONE OF GRACE. Only my Father can carry me through. Only He can save my soul from giving territory away to the adversary.
Psalm 27
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear
The LORD is my strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid.
2. When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
The stumbled and fell.
3 Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war mayrise against me
In this I will be confident.
4 One thing I have desired of the LORD;
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of mylife,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.
5 For in the time of trouble
He shall hid me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.
I still am having one of those moments. I actually think that the "moment" has been lasting for three days and could potentially go on for two more very long days.
I claim this scripture. I trust that He will hide me in my time of trouble.
Fear is bondage. Fear is torment. Fear is from the adversary.
None of these are from the Father. He is joy, hope, peace, faith. He is calm in the storm. He is faithful.
Verse 9 of this Psalm my prayer. I hold fast to this.
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been m help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me;
O God of my salvation.
Yes!! O God of MY salvation. Do not leave me. Do not forsake me. Do not hide Your face from me. My strength. My Redeemer. Hold me in the palm of Your righteous hand. I cry out to you O God! I need Your peace, Your strength, Your grace to flood over my soul.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Well-diggers
I always get excited when my pastor preaches from the book of Psalms. Actually, I just get excited anytime he preaches not matter what it's on. Sunday, he preached about traveling through valleys. Psalm 84 was the text. In a conversation with him earlier during the week, he had mentioned this passage. I spent a good time thinking about it and how I should use it. So, Sunday, I was beside myself during his message.
Usually, one does not experience a sense of excitement when a pastor is talking about the valleys in life. However, I knew this was just what I needed. After all, I guess you could say that I'm in a valley right now. Cancer is not the most enjoyable of experiences, so in my book that constitutes it as qualifying for "valley" status. There's not a place on facebook for you to note your status as "on a mountaintop" or "deep in the valley"...because if there was, I think many of you would check the valley box just like me.
When someone asks me what my job is, providing an answer is not a problem at all. Wife, mom, maid, cook, chauffer, teacher, etc. I'm adding one thing to my list of professions....a well digger. You get that?? I've never physically dug a well, but I've been busy the past week trying to dig one in the sense that the author spoke of in Psalm 84.
Throughout this journey so far, I've been looking, listening, and praying to find out how God can use this. What can I leave behind that will help or encourage someone when they walk through this same valley? In Psalm 84, the author digs a well and God fills it with water. Now, won't that be nice for the person that follows behind him? That individual in a dark valley, maybe their soul is filled with grief, sorrow, or despair, stumbles upon this well filled with the refreshing blessings from our sovereign God. Not bitterness. Not anger. Not a cold heart. Just the opposite, a well of water that holds healing for the soul, peace for the heart, and strength for the weary body. So, I continue to dig my well, knowing that God will fill it with something refreshing for others. I'm trusting His hand will guide me down the path that is in His will. Praying that He will bless me with an opportunity to help others facing difficulty. So, the days might be long, maybe even dark. Occasionally, even in the valley, the sun does break through the clouds. No matter how long and dark, I'll keep digging. Digging that well, until God tells me it's time to move on. Maybe He'll take me to another place that's good for well digging. Maybe it will be a mountaintop. Only He knows. I do know that He will take me through this valley...this trouble will pass. I don't know what you are facing. It may be a spiritual battle that feels as it is ripping your heart into pieces. Yours may be a financial hardship, grief, sorrow, despair, the list could go on forever. I do know that our Savior is there with you. He has grace and comfort that no other can provide. He comforts us so that we may help comfort others. He leads us through the valley, we dig a well that helps nourish some dry, thristy soul in the dark night of their trial. He chooses to work through us. He could do it all by Himself, but what a blessing we would miss.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort;
who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so alos our comfort is abundant through Christ.
Usually, one does not experience a sense of excitement when a pastor is talking about the valleys in life. However, I knew this was just what I needed. After all, I guess you could say that I'm in a valley right now. Cancer is not the most enjoyable of experiences, so in my book that constitutes it as qualifying for "valley" status. There's not a place on facebook for you to note your status as "on a mountaintop" or "deep in the valley"...because if there was, I think many of you would check the valley box just like me.
When someone asks me what my job is, providing an answer is not a problem at all. Wife, mom, maid, cook, chauffer, teacher, etc. I'm adding one thing to my list of professions....a well digger. You get that?? I've never physically dug a well, but I've been busy the past week trying to dig one in the sense that the author spoke of in Psalm 84.
Throughout this journey so far, I've been looking, listening, and praying to find out how God can use this. What can I leave behind that will help or encourage someone when they walk through this same valley? In Psalm 84, the author digs a well and God fills it with water. Now, won't that be nice for the person that follows behind him? That individual in a dark valley, maybe their soul is filled with grief, sorrow, or despair, stumbles upon this well filled with the refreshing blessings from our sovereign God. Not bitterness. Not anger. Not a cold heart. Just the opposite, a well of water that holds healing for the soul, peace for the heart, and strength for the weary body. So, I continue to dig my well, knowing that God will fill it with something refreshing for others. I'm trusting His hand will guide me down the path that is in His will. Praying that He will bless me with an opportunity to help others facing difficulty. So, the days might be long, maybe even dark. Occasionally, even in the valley, the sun does break through the clouds. No matter how long and dark, I'll keep digging. Digging that well, until God tells me it's time to move on. Maybe He'll take me to another place that's good for well digging. Maybe it will be a mountaintop. Only He knows. I do know that He will take me through this valley...this trouble will pass. I don't know what you are facing. It may be a spiritual battle that feels as it is ripping your heart into pieces. Yours may be a financial hardship, grief, sorrow, despair, the list could go on forever. I do know that our Savior is there with you. He has grace and comfort that no other can provide. He comforts us so that we may help comfort others. He leads us through the valley, we dig a well that helps nourish some dry, thristy soul in the dark night of their trial. He chooses to work through us. He could do it all by Himself, but what a blessing we would miss.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort;
who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so alos our comfort is abundant through Christ.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Letting go
Letting go. Sometimes, this is an enormous task. Sometimes, letting go is painful. As I think of the things I've had to "let go" during life, I relive some sorrow, grief, pain, and regret. Often, our lives take a turn down a path, and we must let go of relationships, jobs, or even a social status. Sometimes, we have to let go of people we love due to various circumstances. Other times, we let go of certain habits or lifestyles that are not in our best interest. When I look at myself, the hardest thing to release in any circumstance is control. When I was diagnosed just 2 months ago, I immediately proclaimed that my God is great, mighty, and faithful. I began the battle with cancer. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Three weeks into treatment, I met with my oncologists. He told me that we were "cruising right along." Bouncing out of the cancer center, I repeated those words - why they had a musical ring to them. "Cruising right along..." Sounds good doesn't it. We were right on track. Less than 12 hours later, things came to a screeching halt. I had a rough night, resulting in a late night call to Doc. The next day, treatments were postponed and I spent the week receiving fluids all day, each day in his office. I was pretty dehydrated and my blood pressure decided to hang out between 70/30 and 60/30. Doc didn't like this and was determined to get it higher. Low blood pressure is not unusual for me, but oncologists aren't very accepting of these numbers when it comes to sending their patients home. After this week, I figured that SURELY I would resume treatments the next. Not so fast. Friday night found us at the ER with a fever and infection. Sunday brought complete chaos. Stephen was sick. Two of the boys had the flu, one was recovering from croup/bronchitis/asthma stuff. I again had complications and was sent to the ER. This time, I was offered a 3 day, 2 night stay on the 7th floor of Gadsden Regional Medical Center. Yippee. Christmas was coming. My entire family was sick. My treatments were off schedule. I am in the hospital. What had happened? I was doing so well. I was fighting the cancer, and when I got tired -- I let God take over. Yes, I was trying to fight, then letting God handle it when I got tired. He was my backup. That my friends is a problem. God doesn't play backup. He doesn't sit the bench until I'm played out. HE is the one who was capable of fighting this battle. I could do nothing. The two week hiatus provided me with lots of thinking time. God revealed to me that I had not let go of the control in this battle. I was still trying to play Commander in Chief of the cancer battle. He quietly reminded me of Gideon, Joseph, Esther, Jacob, Mary, and countless others from His Word. So many times He had proven Himself capable of fighting the battle. In the hospital bed, by myself, I handed over the control. I truly began to fall at His feet in complete surrender. Since then, He has not been my backup. He's the one and only. I'm His servant, doing what He calls me to do on a daily basis. It was then that I also began to honestly live on a day to day basis. Remembering that I cannot borrow from yesterday, it has already passed. Tomorrow is not promised to me. I only have today.
Things changed. I can't explain it all, I just haven't found the words. I knew He was capable all the time, I just had not let go of the control. Turns out, He was in control all of the time. My stubborn spirit had to learn not to attempt overthrowing Him. He is the Great Physician. Why in the world would I not let him have complete control from the beginning? Why would I try to handle more than one day at a time? Even He took creation one day at a time.
Each day, He has provided me with a new, refreshing peace that washes over my soul. Difficult moments have come, but none can take His peace away.
Each day, He has been in control of my treatments. Chemo and radiation are no good to me if He does not guide each drop of chemo and each radiation beam.
Each day, He has poured mercy and grace to cover my every need.
Each day, He has placed many of His faithful children in my path with encouraging words, meals, gifts of love that bless my heart.
Each day, He has held me in the palm of His hand.
Also....
Each day, the adversary has attempted to steal these things. For he always attempts steal and destroy what our Father is doing. With my Savior's help, I will strive to fight back against satan and his attacks. For, our God is faithful. He is victorious. He is the king of Kings. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess His name.
I have found myself complaining from time to time. Fact: I don't like pain, discomfort, or inconvenience. Well, this entire experience has been painful, full of discomfort, and just downright inconvenient. As I was listening to something - I can't remember what - Philippians 2:14-16 became a topic of discussion. It really hit home, reminding me that no matter what, my attitude should be full of praise and thankfulness toward God.
Philippians 2
v 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
v 14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
v 15 that you may prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
v 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may have cause to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.
I don't know about you, but it humbles me to know that God choose to work in me. Pain, discomfort, inconvenience -- I guess it's worth it if God can use me. What an honor to be part of His plan.
Things changed. I can't explain it all, I just haven't found the words. I knew He was capable all the time, I just had not let go of the control. Turns out, He was in control all of the time. My stubborn spirit had to learn not to attempt overthrowing Him. He is the Great Physician. Why in the world would I not let him have complete control from the beginning? Why would I try to handle more than one day at a time? Even He took creation one day at a time.
Each day, He has provided me with a new, refreshing peace that washes over my soul. Difficult moments have come, but none can take His peace away.
Each day, He has been in control of my treatments. Chemo and radiation are no good to me if He does not guide each drop of chemo and each radiation beam.
Each day, He has poured mercy and grace to cover my every need.
Each day, He has placed many of His faithful children in my path with encouraging words, meals, gifts of love that bless my heart.
Each day, He has held me in the palm of His hand.
Also....
Each day, the adversary has attempted to steal these things. For he always attempts steal and destroy what our Father is doing. With my Savior's help, I will strive to fight back against satan and his attacks. For, our God is faithful. He is victorious. He is the king of Kings. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess His name.
I have found myself complaining from time to time. Fact: I don't like pain, discomfort, or inconvenience. Well, this entire experience has been painful, full of discomfort, and just downright inconvenient. As I was listening to something - I can't remember what - Philippians 2:14-16 became a topic of discussion. It really hit home, reminding me that no matter what, my attitude should be full of praise and thankfulness toward God.
Philippians 2
v 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
v 14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
v 15 that you may prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
v 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may have cause to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.
I don't know about you, but it humbles me to know that God choose to work in me. Pain, discomfort, inconvenience -- I guess it's worth it if God can use me. What an honor to be part of His plan.
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