Alright. If I'm learning nothing else from my current journey in life -- the one thing I am learning is to never say never. For instance, "I'll never wear a fanny pack. That's just not going to happen." Hmmmm. I know that God must be laughing. He has a sense of humor, otherwise, this whole fanny pack thing would be downright cruel. I have not decided on my own that a fanny pack is my choice to make a fashion statement. The "pack" as I will now refer to it, mainly because I despise the sound of the other name I've been using for it, will carry a pump that distributes part of my chemo treatments. I mean, my goodness, was nothing better looking that the medical field could come up with??? There are a lot of smart people out there, don't tell me there is not a stitch of fashion sense among it. You just never know what life is going to throw at you next. I had written several days ago that I was facing several unknowns. The truth of it all is that we are all facing countless unknowns in our life. We think that we know. We think we have it planned. We think we have it all figured out. At least, I thought I did. God has a way of just showing up and placing a "road closed" sign in front of us. This forces us to take another path. It may not be the path we had planned for, maybe it was a consideration -- but not the one we wanted. Sometimes, that path was not even an option in our feeble human minds.
As I was driving to one of my appointments (6 days after my diagnosis, 2 days before tragedy struck my WHS kids) I was listening to a sermon on the Lord's prayer. My pastor has been preaching on this, so this was kind of an enrichment lesson I guess one could say. The topic was the line in the prayer, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." Ever really thought about that? You've probably prayed it before. I know I have. I also know that I'm quite guilty of praying this without really meaning it. If I truly desire for God's will to come alive in my life, I must be willing to give him complete access and rule over every area of my heart. The following example was given. Imagine inviting a guest to your home. You sincerely tell them to make themselves at home. What is yours is theirs. You want your guest to feel total freedom in your home. The next morning, you leave for work. Before doing so, you lock the fridge, lock the bathroom, lock the family room (with access to the television) and so on. You get the picture. It was like God slapped me in the face. This pastor was talking to me. To allow God to be glorified, I had to hand over the control of this cancer battle to Him. Only He could work in a way that would bring honor and glorify His name. There is nothing I can do to accomplish that. I have a diagnosis. I have a treatment plan. Again, the doctors are keeping me on a need to know basis. Not too much information at any given point lest I try to take the reigns away from the One who really is in charge. The fact is, they are having to wait on the first round of treatment to really decide where to go next. The seem to know everything about my cancer. However, I do know that they don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know who does.
Just a week ago, 3 teenage boys were traveling on a familiar stretch of road. The vehicle struck a phone pole and one young man was killed instantly. Two others were sent to the hospital with numbers of injuries, some requiring extensive surgery. Did any of these boys plan on this? No. Did their families in any way forsee this? No. Was our Heavenly Father surprised by this? No. He knew this was going to happen. Nothing surprises him. Now to us, it was an unknown. We had no clue this was coming. The entire community is still wondering how to work through the sorrow and grief accompanied with this situation. One young man had plans for the very next day -- he actually didn't make it to that destination, instead he stood before the Creator of the universe. One young man will never have the same life. They all three had plans for the weekend, plans for a senior year, even college plans. Planning is not a bad thing. I guess I'm just learning that God may change our plans. I must be sensitive to His heart so that I am able to accept these changes. When these changes are hard and may bring hurt and sorrow to our hearts, I have to trust Him to walk through that valley with me.
In the 23rd Psalm, the writer tells us that even when we walk through the shadow of the valley of death, HE is with us. The prince of darkness is waiting in that shadow. Waiting for God's children to throw in the towel and declare that we quit. I've felt like doing that at times. However, I have to stand tall and remember who I serve. Cancer, death, financial hardships....none of these ever surprise Him.
Just some of the things He's told us:
I'll never leave you nor forsake you...
I've loved you with an everlasting love...
I know the plans I have for you....
Those that wait upon the Lord...Isaiah 40:31
To those of you at WHS, I love you dearly and pray for you daily. How about we face these unknowns together in prayer??
To my family (both blood and non-blood related) --couldn't make it without you. God has blessed me beyond what my mind can conceive.
Much love,
Tracey
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I'm a Survivor
Relay for Life has been a passion of mine for quite some time, now. Well, somebody needs to let the people in charge know that I will be in need of a Survivor shirt in May!! I know there is a long road ahead of me, but I have God on my side and He is bigger and better than anything else that may come my way. For some reason, He has seen fit to allow me to walk through this time. Maybe some day he will reveal this to me, but He may choose not to. Either way, I'm praying He is glorified and people are brought to His saving grace through this experience.
The next few days are busy, but again...I'll take busy. In case you don't know, I received the results from my pet scan today. They confirmed what April's dog had already told Ashley, April, Cindy, and myself on Saturday night -- no additional cancer. Now, I do have to apologize to Sam, because I didn't completely trust his judgement. Sorry, old boy. There's a box of doggie treats on its way!! Here is a rough outline of what we expect.
Wednesday: Dr at Trinity will perform an ultrasound that will provide even more details on the tumor. This will help the radiation oncologist be as precise as possible.
Thursday: I might get to eat. Yippee!! I'm thinking lots of m&m's......Maybe even chocolate ice cream....
Friday: Visit with the radiation oncologist -- I haven't met him yet. However, I think there will be days that I won't like him a whole lot -- but at the end I'll pretty much love him to pieces.
Monday: Visit with surgeon who will schedule to put in a port for chemo; also another visit with oncologist
After that, we will begin treatments asap. The oncologists hopes to have things underway next week.
I don't know how I'll feel. I don't have the name of the exact drug and its intensity yet. I'll try to keep the blog updated. No matter what, I feel the prayers you are all sending to our Heavenly Father. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I am so very grateful for that. You all will never know the impact you are having on my life. It is an honor to be surrounded with such a support system, I know I very much don't deserve it.
God provides grace for us to handle situations as He guides us through. However, he doesn't just give us a lump sum of what we'll need prior to the situation. I can't help but think about the Hebrew children as they waited each day to receive the manna God provided. If they stored too much, it spoiled. If they did not receive what God had sent, they went hungry that day. God will provide the grace and strength I need just when I need it. He also will provide enough to see me through. Recently, Holly sent me the song "Always Enough" by Casting Crowns. It is becoming my new "theme' song. I constantly have a song that I cling to that describes my life situation at the moment. This one just hit home -- it fits. He is always enough. No matter what you are going through now or what you will face in the future, my Savior is always enough. He was enough to cover my sin, what more could I want?? If He can do that, He can fight this cancer battle with me!
Humor in all this:
My best gal pal was riding in the car with her 8 year old daughter.
Daughter: Mom, you've been praying for Ms. Tracey like I have. I think we've been praying the same thing.
Mom: Well, what have you been praying for?
Daughter: I've been praying that the pet scan shows cancer has not spread to her liver. Because if it has, she might get the jaundice like Michael Jackson did. We don't want that, do we?!?!
My thoughts: Don't we wish the only problem Michael Jackson had was the jaundice???
My dear Kylee, you will never know the place you hold in my heart!! Much love!!!
The next few days are busy, but again...I'll take busy. In case you don't know, I received the results from my pet scan today. They confirmed what April's dog had already told Ashley, April, Cindy, and myself on Saturday night -- no additional cancer. Now, I do have to apologize to Sam, because I didn't completely trust his judgement. Sorry, old boy. There's a box of doggie treats on its way!! Here is a rough outline of what we expect.
Wednesday: Dr at Trinity will perform an ultrasound that will provide even more details on the tumor. This will help the radiation oncologist be as precise as possible.
Thursday: I might get to eat. Yippee!! I'm thinking lots of m&m's......Maybe even chocolate ice cream....
Friday: Visit with the radiation oncologist -- I haven't met him yet. However, I think there will be days that I won't like him a whole lot -- but at the end I'll pretty much love him to pieces.
Monday: Visit with surgeon who will schedule to put in a port for chemo; also another visit with oncologist
After that, we will begin treatments asap. The oncologists hopes to have things underway next week.
I don't know how I'll feel. I don't have the name of the exact drug and its intensity yet. I'll try to keep the blog updated. No matter what, I feel the prayers you are all sending to our Heavenly Father. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I am so very grateful for that. You all will never know the impact you are having on my life. It is an honor to be surrounded with such a support system, I know I very much don't deserve it.
God provides grace for us to handle situations as He guides us through. However, he doesn't just give us a lump sum of what we'll need prior to the situation. I can't help but think about the Hebrew children as they waited each day to receive the manna God provided. If they stored too much, it spoiled. If they did not receive what God had sent, they went hungry that day. God will provide the grace and strength I need just when I need it. He also will provide enough to see me through. Recently, Holly sent me the song "Always Enough" by Casting Crowns. It is becoming my new "theme' song. I constantly have a song that I cling to that describes my life situation at the moment. This one just hit home -- it fits. He is always enough. No matter what you are going through now or what you will face in the future, my Savior is always enough. He was enough to cover my sin, what more could I want?? If He can do that, He can fight this cancer battle with me!
Humor in all this:
My best gal pal was riding in the car with her 8 year old daughter.
Daughter: Mom, you've been praying for Ms. Tracey like I have. I think we've been praying the same thing.
Mom: Well, what have you been praying for?
Daughter: I've been praying that the pet scan shows cancer has not spread to her liver. Because if it has, she might get the jaundice like Michael Jackson did. We don't want that, do we?!?!
My thoughts: Don't we wish the only problem Michael Jackson had was the jaundice???
My dear Kylee, you will never know the place you hold in my heart!! Much love!!!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Feeling loved
Although my diagnosis is not yet complete, I know that the almighty Creator is in charge. I may not like what the doctors tell me on Tuesday, but my Father has a master plan that only He is holy enough to carry out. I would like to begin what I am calling a "prayer adoption." I am listing specific people on this list that I would like for you to pray for. I am praying that God will lay each name on the heart of someone that will seriously take the responsibility of praying daily for that individual.
1. My precious husband, Stephen
2. Andrew
3. Aaron
4. John Curtis
5. My parents
6. My oncologist - Dr. Castillo
7. Radiologist
8. Surgeon
9. My cancer information specialists =) The Rameys
10. my sister
11. my grandparents
There are many more in my family that are standing behind me. Please include them also. I have such an amazing support system -- one that I very much don't deserve. May God bless you today.
2 Timothy 1:12 For I know whom I have believed....
Praise Be Unto HIS name,
Tracey
1. My precious husband, Stephen
2. Andrew
3. Aaron
4. John Curtis
5. My parents
6. My oncologist - Dr. Castillo
7. Radiologist
8. Surgeon
9. My cancer information specialists =) The Rameys
10. my sister
11. my grandparents
There are many more in my family that are standing behind me. Please include them also. I have such an amazing support system -- one that I very much don't deserve. May God bless you today.
2 Timothy 1:12 For I know whom I have believed....
Praise Be Unto HIS name,
Tracey
Friday, November 12, 2010
What now
I don't know where to begin. The past 36 hours have been mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. I have seen how God can use people on an unbelievable level that you would not believe. Yesterday morning, Stephen and I learned that I have cancerous tumor. Where most of the time, one would have been immediately moved to a regular hospital room, I was kept in the outpatient day surgery area for most of the day. I did not arrive in my room until late afternoon. Before I was awake from the "fog" induced by medication administered prior to my colonoscopy, I was moved to a room that I don't believe is intended for patients to spend more than a few minutes. This was because most of my family had arrived once the learned of the news.
I don't remember exactly when it was, but one particular nurse commented that she could feel God's presence in my room. I think this was before I learned of my diagnosis, but I could be wrong. Each and every nurse that cared for me did so with a special love and grace that only God could provide. I know for a fact that they were each placed in my pathway that day by my loving Father. Jesus told his followers that they would be known by their works. These ladies are truly using their gifts to glorify God and further His kingdom. He knew what Stephen and I would need. He knew a long time ago that he would include these special people in my life. Each of these ladies constantly reminded me that they were praying and that we serve a mighty God. I know this, but this is one of those times that I didn't quite know what to say to God. I've always heard about those times that you don't know what to pray. I think I might have had some of those after mom died. However, there were MANY of those moments yesterday.
Oncologists, cancer center, chemo, radiation---all are now linked to my name. This wasn't in my plan. Not at all. As a matter of fact it is downright inconvenient. Those of you who know me are fully aware that I don't like to stray from the plan and I don't tolerate inconvenience. So, here we are. Stephen and I surrounded by family and friends (friends that really are family even without sharing the same DNA) -- staring down a pathway full of unknowns. There are going to be several unknowns for a few days. A pet scan is scheduled for Monday to see if the cancer has spread...pray Stephen and I will have peace and the Pet scan will show no other cancers.
Enough about the unknowns, I'm having to trust God to take care of that. I admit, I worry. Know I'm not supposed to...but we're working on that. Here are some of the things I do know:
1. Whatever is happening inside my body, God knew about it way before any doctor suspected a thing.
2. God is bigger than this and He will not leave me. After all, the Bible tells us that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
3. God blessed with the most amazing husband any woman could ever ask for. I didn't deserve him 10 years ago, and I still don't deserve him. I'm absolutely blessed beyond measure here.
4. April Jordan rocks. A girl couldn't ask for a better gal pal and prayer warrior.
5. I have 3 boys that are absolutely worth fighting for.
6. I am surrounded by an amazing family.
There are lots of other things I know, but I'll share them as time goes on. I've done a lot of talking about God, but now let's see if I can live up to what I've claimed over the past years. Of course, I'd absolutely appreciate it if this was miraculously removed from my life today. However, I know that no matter how hard, long, and bumpy this road may be, I serve a mighty God -- in the Bible, He is called Jehovah Rophe -- my healer. I'm claiming that. To those who are praying, you will never know what impact you are having. I am asking you to pray for Stephen -- for his emotional and physical strength. He is a strong Godly man, and I want him to make sure he takes care of himself. He always handles our finances in a manner that would honor God. I can't help but wonder when the financial hardships will strike -- but I know they will. Pray God will meet these needs as they come. I will try my best to keep updates. Pray for the boys, I'm afraid this will be especially hard on Andrew. Aaron does not like being away from Stephen and me or his bed at home. John Curtis just has the setting "full speed ahead" so I'm praying that he will teach me some lessons. Pray most of all that God will be glorified.
With love,
Tracey
I don't remember exactly when it was, but one particular nurse commented that she could feel God's presence in my room. I think this was before I learned of my diagnosis, but I could be wrong. Each and every nurse that cared for me did so with a special love and grace that only God could provide. I know for a fact that they were each placed in my pathway that day by my loving Father. Jesus told his followers that they would be known by their works. These ladies are truly using their gifts to glorify God and further His kingdom. He knew what Stephen and I would need. He knew a long time ago that he would include these special people in my life. Each of these ladies constantly reminded me that they were praying and that we serve a mighty God. I know this, but this is one of those times that I didn't quite know what to say to God. I've always heard about those times that you don't know what to pray. I think I might have had some of those after mom died. However, there were MANY of those moments yesterday.
Oncologists, cancer center, chemo, radiation---all are now linked to my name. This wasn't in my plan. Not at all. As a matter of fact it is downright inconvenient. Those of you who know me are fully aware that I don't like to stray from the plan and I don't tolerate inconvenience. So, here we are. Stephen and I surrounded by family and friends (friends that really are family even without sharing the same DNA) -- staring down a pathway full of unknowns. There are going to be several unknowns for a few days. A pet scan is scheduled for Monday to see if the cancer has spread...pray Stephen and I will have peace and the Pet scan will show no other cancers.
Enough about the unknowns, I'm having to trust God to take care of that. I admit, I worry. Know I'm not supposed to...but we're working on that. Here are some of the things I do know:
1. Whatever is happening inside my body, God knew about it way before any doctor suspected a thing.
2. God is bigger than this and He will not leave me. After all, the Bible tells us that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
3. God blessed with the most amazing husband any woman could ever ask for. I didn't deserve him 10 years ago, and I still don't deserve him. I'm absolutely blessed beyond measure here.
4. April Jordan rocks. A girl couldn't ask for a better gal pal and prayer warrior.
5. I have 3 boys that are absolutely worth fighting for.
6. I am surrounded by an amazing family.
There are lots of other things I know, but I'll share them as time goes on. I've done a lot of talking about God, but now let's see if I can live up to what I've claimed over the past years. Of course, I'd absolutely appreciate it if this was miraculously removed from my life today. However, I know that no matter how hard, long, and bumpy this road may be, I serve a mighty God -- in the Bible, He is called Jehovah Rophe -- my healer. I'm claiming that. To those who are praying, you will never know what impact you are having. I am asking you to pray for Stephen -- for his emotional and physical strength. He is a strong Godly man, and I want him to make sure he takes care of himself. He always handles our finances in a manner that would honor God. I can't help but wonder when the financial hardships will strike -- but I know they will. Pray God will meet these needs as they come. I will try my best to keep updates. Pray for the boys, I'm afraid this will be especially hard on Andrew. Aaron does not like being away from Stephen and me or his bed at home. John Curtis just has the setting "full speed ahead" so I'm praying that he will teach me some lessons. Pray most of all that God will be glorified.
With love,
Tracey
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The darkness
As I've listened to the narration in our Christmas musical, there has been one line that consumes my thoughts. The author writes of darkness. The times in life where things seem so dark and dreary that you can't even see your hand in front of your face, are you familiar with these? Been there. Done that. Two particular situations weigh on my mind tonight. One -- two special friends with desires in their hearts that now seem unfulfilled. Two -- a group of young people who've experience unimagineable heartache in the past 14 months. In both situations, I know God is there. I know God has a plan that is far beyond anything I could ever imagine or come up with myself. The plan I think would be best, is obviously not the best. That's not the way He's working right now. I can't help but reflect back to a song from my youth choir days that declared, "when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart." Although, I'm not in the midst of this dark night, some of those that I love dearly are experiencing that pain and hurt. I know they are children of God. I know they have declared their faith in Jesus Christ. I don't know what God's plan is. I don't know what the future holds for each of these precious individuals. I'm sure at moments, they feel as if life has just been turned upside down and may never be straightened out again. There were been times after the loss of my mother that I was sure that life would never feel "right" again. Pain, suffering, grief, sorrow...I had come to accept these as part of my life. However, my precious Father, Jehovah Jireh, El Shaddai, used this to bring me closer to His heart. You see, He never moves. It is me. I'm the mover. There have been times in a church service, when Andrew does not want to behave as I expect him to. He will continually "inch" away from me hoping to reach the point where he is out of "pinching" range. Now you know that a "church pinch" from your mama can hurt like nobody's business. Sometimes I find myself "inching" away from God. Sometimes I run. It's not because I don't love Him. It's because sometimes what I see scares me out of my mind. I forget that no matter what is in store, He is with me. He has planned my life out by the second. He has my best interest in hand. Nothing can harm me while His hand is on me. He is the very one that maintains the order in our universe. This very God sits beside me in the darkness when I can see absolutely nothing. He takes my face in His hands and whispers, "I love you." He orders my steps because he has had a plan for me from the beginning. There's nothing I can experience that He has not already conquered. So, heartache, grief, sorrow, you may be present now. But watch out, because my joy will come in the morning. It's always darkest before the dawn.
Switching directions, as I think about darkness, I think about Christ coming to Earth. Lately I've been thinking about the things I despise most. Yeah, weird, twisted, I know. You all know how warped I am. There is a purpose just stay with me. Think about the one thing you despise most. A smell, such as cigarette smoke or macaroni & cheese? A color combination, such as orange and royal blue? An animal, worms, snakes, rats? An action, deceit, hatred? One thing I despise is the smell when the sewage guys come and pump out the tank near my classroom. You see, I have a window in my classroom with a crack. Odors seem to pour through this crack like a fugitive looking for a place to hide. The stench is unimagineable. Gross. Icky. Yuck. Ewwww. Get the picture? I wondered the other day, what if I had to live with that smell all the time? I don't believe I would ever get used to it. I certainly would not choose to live in that situation. However, that's exactly what our Savior did. He despises sin. He is sinless. The thing he hates most -- he CHOSE to dwell in the midst of it for 33 years. I wouldn't make it 3 days with the sewage odor, much less 33 years. I definitely would not CHOOSE to live with that odor. My stomach turns just thinking about it. I wonder if Jesus ever felt His stomach turn when living in a sinful world. Not because of the people necessarily, but because of the sin. I know He loves us and that's why He did it. I guess that is just one more thing that amazes me about Him. He chose to inhabit the sinful planet - He chose to inhabit a place that housed the sin He despises so much. All because He was our only chance to be rescued from death and hell. What darkness God's people must have experienced in the years right before Messiah's arrival. Then He steps into humanity, not with trumpets and royal robes, but in the most humble manner possible. I said earlier, it's always darkest before the dawn.....What a magnificent dawn it was when the Messiah blessed us with His entrance as a babe in a manger. What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see -- When I look upon His face, the One who SAVED me by HIS GRACE.
He is our Deliver, Healer, Provider, Author and Finisher of our salvation! Praise be to God!
Switching directions, as I think about darkness, I think about Christ coming to Earth. Lately I've been thinking about the things I despise most. Yeah, weird, twisted, I know. You all know how warped I am. There is a purpose just stay with me. Think about the one thing you despise most. A smell, such as cigarette smoke or macaroni & cheese? A color combination, such as orange and royal blue? An animal, worms, snakes, rats? An action, deceit, hatred? One thing I despise is the smell when the sewage guys come and pump out the tank near my classroom. You see, I have a window in my classroom with a crack. Odors seem to pour through this crack like a fugitive looking for a place to hide. The stench is unimagineable. Gross. Icky. Yuck. Ewwww. Get the picture? I wondered the other day, what if I had to live with that smell all the time? I don't believe I would ever get used to it. I certainly would not choose to live in that situation. However, that's exactly what our Savior did. He despises sin. He is sinless. The thing he hates most -- he CHOSE to dwell in the midst of it for 33 years. I wouldn't make it 3 days with the sewage odor, much less 33 years. I definitely would not CHOOSE to live with that odor. My stomach turns just thinking about it. I wonder if Jesus ever felt His stomach turn when living in a sinful world. Not because of the people necessarily, but because of the sin. I know He loves us and that's why He did it. I guess that is just one more thing that amazes me about Him. He chose to inhabit the sinful planet - He chose to inhabit a place that housed the sin He despises so much. All because He was our only chance to be rescued from death and hell. What darkness God's people must have experienced in the years right before Messiah's arrival. Then He steps into humanity, not with trumpets and royal robes, but in the most humble manner possible. I said earlier, it's always darkest before the dawn.....What a magnificent dawn it was when the Messiah blessed us with His entrance as a babe in a manger. What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see -- When I look upon His face, the One who SAVED me by HIS GRACE.
He is our Deliver, Healer, Provider, Author and Finisher of our salvation! Praise be to God!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
An audience
I know that all my life I've been taught that my focus should be on the condition of my heart since that is what God sees. I've also been taught that God is the only one that matters. It doesn't matter what others think about me as long as I am in line with God's will and scripture. Tonight, again, I battle with the issue that just will not seem to go away. Spirit = willing, flesh = weak???? Insecurity is my biggest flaw. What reason do I have to be insecure?? I have the one reason to feel secure - salvation through Jesus Christ.
The first thing I tend to forget is that my measuring stick is our precious Savior. He is the only one to walk sinless upon this earth. He is the only one that paid the penalty for my horrific sins. Upon searching for a definition of measurement, I found several. One stood out among the others. Wikipedia notes that measurement systems are valid if qualifying with accuracy and precision. Hmmm.So, if I think about all the people who have walked or will walk this planet, are any of them completely accurate and precise all the time? Only one. Why then do I continually look around and compare myself to others? Again, spirit - flesh, battling continually. For weeks, my mind has been overtaken with 5 tasks in which I wish to succeed. These tasks would be considered noble by most people. I think God has placed these tasks/responsibilities in my hands. However....I don't believe I'm seeing things His way all the time.
I'm reminded of Peter. In Matthew 15, Peter and the other disciples were in a boat. Jesus came to them during the night. You know the story...the waves were crashing against the boat, the wind had kicked it up a bit. Peter has a brave moment. Jesus tells him to come out on the water. He goes. What a picture of faith. Waves are crashing, wind is howling, but Peter still wants to display his faith by walking with Jesus on the water. But then, Peter notices the circumstances around him. That's when he began to sink. Our Savior is still there. He's not surprised. He hasn't walked away. He's just still there waiting to deliver Peter from himself. El Shaddaii - Our Deliverer.
When I turn my eyes from the One who truly matters, my measurement of my progress is no longer accurate or precise. Only when I'm focused on my Savior, will He bring my life into focus. As I turn my eyes to him, I must remember what Paul wrote in Philippians 1:21.
It is an honor to call God my Father. Why He chose to redeem me, I'll never understand. Psalm 40 is one of my favorites. The entire thing is pretty good stuff. Tonight, my heart worships Him.
Psalm 40: 1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy ppit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
The first thing I tend to forget is that my measuring stick is our precious Savior. He is the only one to walk sinless upon this earth. He is the only one that paid the penalty for my horrific sins. Upon searching for a definition of measurement, I found several. One stood out among the others. Wikipedia notes that measurement systems are valid if qualifying with accuracy and precision. Hmmm.So, if I think about all the people who have walked or will walk this planet, are any of them completely accurate and precise all the time? Only one. Why then do I continually look around and compare myself to others? Again, spirit - flesh, battling continually. For weeks, my mind has been overtaken with 5 tasks in which I wish to succeed. These tasks would be considered noble by most people. I think God has placed these tasks/responsibilities in my hands. However....I don't believe I'm seeing things His way all the time.
I'm reminded of Peter. In Matthew 15, Peter and the other disciples were in a boat. Jesus came to them during the night. You know the story...the waves were crashing against the boat, the wind had kicked it up a bit. Peter has a brave moment. Jesus tells him to come out on the water. He goes. What a picture of faith. Waves are crashing, wind is howling, but Peter still wants to display his faith by walking with Jesus on the water. But then, Peter notices the circumstances around him. That's when he began to sink. Our Savior is still there. He's not surprised. He hasn't walked away. He's just still there waiting to deliver Peter from himself. El Shaddaii - Our Deliverer.
When I turn my eyes from the One who truly matters, my measurement of my progress is no longer accurate or precise. Only when I'm focused on my Savior, will He bring my life into focus. As I turn my eyes to him, I must remember what Paul wrote in Philippians 1:21.
It is an honor to call God my Father. Why He chose to redeem me, I'll never understand. Psalm 40 is one of my favorites. The entire thing is pretty good stuff. Tonight, my heart worships Him.
Psalm 40: 1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy ppit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Worship
Over the past few months, a desire has overwhelmed my soul to experience worship as I never have before. I've longed and begged for the Father to allow me the honor of experiencing the most precious true worship possible. I know that only when I see Him face to face is when I might even begin to understand. When the desire of our heart is in line with God's word and His will, amazing things happen. I ask for a number of things each day. Constantly, I petition the throne of God - sometimes with selfish desires, sometimes in intercession for another, and even sometimes for just the grace I need to make it through each moment of every day without totally completely messing up everything in which I engage. In all honesty, it is probably minimal if you were to count the number of times that me desires and petitions are completely in line with God's word and His will for my life. Well, ask -- and you shall receive...
God began allowingme to see how warped my view of worship had become. Through conversations, scripture, listening to others, sermons preached by some of the greatest men to ever proclaim the gospel -- God used all of these to help me "redefine" my understanding of true worship. It would not be truthful if I told you I was not partial to some particular artists and songs. Who isn't? However, I've found true worship begins when my heart begins to bask in the indescribable majesty of our Heavenly Father. Worship is not a song or a particular style of music. Yes, the praise and worship music written over the past decade has some amazing stuff so to speak. Some of the songs make me want to take a "Hallelujah" lap around my house. Yes, some of the hymns cause my heart to tremble when I think of the attributes described in these amazing pieces of music. Although these things can be used in worship, they are not worship.
I have been questioning my reason for worship. Oh, there are many more reasons than I could ever count. Just thinking about who God is overwhelmed my soul. The song "Heart of Worship" was written several years ago. If you don't know the story behind that song - you need to check it out. A little research never hurt anybody. The lyrics repeat - it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus My worship had to get back to Him. He is the center of worship. How often do I allow my "worship" to be contained in a particular song, artist, drama, feeling, location? That makes it all about me. That my friends is not all about Him, and therefore is not true worship. He is the Living God. Our Healer. Yahweh. Our Deliver. The Prince of Peace. Almighty One. Alpha and Omega. Author of our salvation. Redeemer.As I reflect on some experiences I at one time considered worship, it frightens me. I actually defined the parameters of my worship. Attitudes such as, it's not the right song, not the right place, don't like to hear who's singing it.... They deprived me from some precious experiences with my Father.
As this year has progressed, I've found myself experiencing worship in some places that I once would have considered odd. Small things that are sometimes barely noticeable have sparked a worship experience for me. The fact that He allows me to worship Him, wow. I'm so unworthy - and to think I still at times want to run the show explaining to Him what I need to worship. Me - explaining to a Holy God what He needs to do so that I may enjoy a worship experience. Scary stuff. He created everything, saved me, heals people everyday - the last thing He needs to hear from me is how comfortable I need to be to worship Him. I suspect He desires to hear that phrase it's all about You, it's all about YOU!
Another thing I learned is that worship is like the manna God provided in the Old Testament. I've tried to live on past worship experiences, expecting them to satisfy that desire for today. Oh, to remember is good. Nothing wrong with that. However, He is so amazing that yesterday's worship just won't do for today. His mercies are new every morning - so should my worship be also.
As always, God has used some of those precious servants of His to guide me in learning. I only wish there were words to thank you and to thank Him for allowing me to learn from you all.
With love and a joyful heart,
Tracey
God began allowingme to see how warped my view of worship had become. Through conversations, scripture, listening to others, sermons preached by some of the greatest men to ever proclaim the gospel -- God used all of these to help me "redefine" my understanding of true worship. It would not be truthful if I told you I was not partial to some particular artists and songs. Who isn't? However, I've found true worship begins when my heart begins to bask in the indescribable majesty of our Heavenly Father. Worship is not a song or a particular style of music. Yes, the praise and worship music written over the past decade has some amazing stuff so to speak. Some of the songs make me want to take a "Hallelujah" lap around my house. Yes, some of the hymns cause my heart to tremble when I think of the attributes described in these amazing pieces of music. Although these things can be used in worship, they are not worship.
I have been questioning my reason for worship. Oh, there are many more reasons than I could ever count. Just thinking about who God is overwhelmed my soul. The song "Heart of Worship" was written several years ago. If you don't know the story behind that song - you need to check it out. A little research never hurt anybody. The lyrics repeat - it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus My worship had to get back to Him. He is the center of worship. How often do I allow my "worship" to be contained in a particular song, artist, drama, feeling, location? That makes it all about me. That my friends is not all about Him, and therefore is not true worship. He is the Living God. Our Healer. Yahweh. Our Deliver. The Prince of Peace. Almighty One. Alpha and Omega. Author of our salvation. Redeemer.As I reflect on some experiences I at one time considered worship, it frightens me. I actually defined the parameters of my worship. Attitudes such as, it's not the right song, not the right place, don't like to hear who's singing it.... They deprived me from some precious experiences with my Father.
As this year has progressed, I've found myself experiencing worship in some places that I once would have considered odd. Small things that are sometimes barely noticeable have sparked a worship experience for me. The fact that He allows me to worship Him, wow. I'm so unworthy - and to think I still at times want to run the show explaining to Him what I need to worship. Me - explaining to a Holy God what He needs to do so that I may enjoy a worship experience. Scary stuff. He created everything, saved me, heals people everyday - the last thing He needs to hear from me is how comfortable I need to be to worship Him. I suspect He desires to hear that phrase it's all about You, it's all about YOU!
Another thing I learned is that worship is like the manna God provided in the Old Testament. I've tried to live on past worship experiences, expecting them to satisfy that desire for today. Oh, to remember is good. Nothing wrong with that. However, He is so amazing that yesterday's worship just won't do for today. His mercies are new every morning - so should my worship be also.
As always, God has used some of those precious servants of His to guide me in learning. I only wish there were words to thank you and to thank Him for allowing me to learn from you all.
With love and a joyful heart,
Tracey
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