I'm a Survivor

Relay for Life has been a passion of mine for quite some time, now. Well, somebody needs to let the people in charge know that I will be in need of a Survivor shirt in May!! I know there is a long road ahead of me, but I have God on my side and He is bigger and better than anything else that may come my way. For some reason, He has seen fit to allow me to walk through this time. Maybe some day he will reveal this to me, but He may choose not to. Either way, I'm praying He is glorified and people are brought to His saving grace through this experience.
The next few days are busy, but again...I'll take busy. In case you don't know, I received the results from my pet scan today. They confirmed what April's dog had already told Ashley, April, Cindy, and myself on Saturday night -- no additional cancer. Now, I do have to apologize to Sam, because I didn't completely trust his judgement. Sorry, old boy. There's a box of doggie treats on its way!! Here is a rough outline of what we expect.
Wednesday: Dr at Trinity will perform an ultrasound that will provide even more details on the tumor. This will help the radiation oncologist be as precise as possible.
Thursday: I might get to eat.  Yippee!! I'm thinking lots of m&m's......Maybe even chocolate ice cream....
Friday: Visit with the radiation oncologist -- I haven't met him yet. However, I think there will be days that I won't like him a whole lot -- but at the end I'll pretty much love him to pieces.
Monday: Visit with surgeon who will schedule to put in a port for chemo; also another visit with oncologist
After that, we will begin treatments asap. The oncologists hopes to have things underway next week.
I don't know how I'll feel. I don't have the name of the exact drug and its intensity yet. I'll try to keep the blog updated. No matter what, I feel the prayers you are all sending to our Heavenly Father. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I am so very grateful for that. You all will never know the impact you are having on my life. It is an honor to be surrounded with such a support system, I know I very much don't deserve it.
God provides grace for us to handle situations as He guides us through. However, he doesn't just give us a lump sum of what we'll need prior to the situation. I can't help but think about the Hebrew children as they waited each day to receive the manna God provided. If they stored too much, it spoiled. If they did not receive what God had sent, they went hungry that day. God will provide the grace and strength I need just when I need it. He also will provide enough to see me through. Recently, Holly sent me the song "Always Enough" by Casting Crowns. It is becoming my new "theme' song. I constantly have a song that I cling to that describes my life situation at the moment. This one just hit home -- it fits. He is always enough. No matter what you are going through now or what you will face in the future, my Savior is always enough. He was enough to cover my sin, what more could I want?? If He can do that, He can fight this cancer battle with me!


Humor in all this:
My best gal pal was riding in the car with her 8 year old daughter.
Daughter: Mom, you've been praying for Ms. Tracey like I have. I think we've been praying the same thing.
Mom: Well, what have you been praying for?
Daughter: I've been praying that the pet scan shows cancer has not spread to her liver. Because if it has, she might get the jaundice like Michael Jackson did. We don't want that, do we?!?!


My thoughts: Don't we wish the only problem Michael Jackson had was the jaundice???

My dear Kylee, you will never know the place you hold in my heart!! Much love!!!

Feeling loved

Although my diagnosis is not yet complete, I know that the almighty Creator is in charge. I may not like what the doctors tell me on Tuesday, but my Father has a master plan that only He is holy enough to carry out. I would like to begin what I am calling a "prayer adoption." I am listing specific people on this list that I would like for you to pray for. I am praying that God will lay each name on the heart of someone that will seriously take the responsibility of praying daily for that individual.
1. My precious husband, Stephen
2. Andrew
3. Aaron
4. John Curtis
5. My parents
6. My oncologist - Dr. Castillo
7. Radiologist
8. Surgeon
9. My cancer information specialists =) The Rameys
10. my sister
11. my grandparents

There are many more in my family that are standing behind me. Please include them also. I have such an amazing support system -- one that I very much don't deserve. May God bless you today.
2 Timothy 1:12   For I know whom I have believed....

Praise Be Unto HIS name,

Tracey

What now

I don't know where to begin. The past 36 hours have been mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. I have seen how God can use people on an unbelievable level that you would not believe. Yesterday morning, Stephen and I learned that I have cancerous tumor. Where most of the time, one would have been immediately moved to a regular hospital room, I was kept in the outpatient day surgery area for most of the day. I did not arrive in my room until late afternoon. Before I was awake from the "fog" induced by medication administered prior to my colonoscopy, I was moved to a room that I don't believe is intended for patients to spend more than a few minutes. This was because most of my family had arrived once the learned of the news.
I don't remember exactly when it was, but one particular nurse commented that she could feel God's presence in my room. I think this was before I learned of my diagnosis, but I could be wrong. Each and every nurse that cared for me did so with a special love and grace that only God could provide. I know for a fact that they were each placed in my pathway that day by my loving Father. Jesus told his followers that they would be known by their works. These ladies are truly using their gifts to glorify God and further His kingdom. He knew what Stephen and I would need. He knew a long time ago that he would include these special people in my life. Each of these ladies constantly reminded me that they were praying and that we serve a mighty God. I know this, but this is one of those times that I didn't quite know what to say to God. I've always heard about those times that you don't know what to pray. I think I might have had some of those after mom died. However, there were MANY of those moments yesterday.
Oncologists, cancer center, chemo, radiation---all are now linked to my name. This wasn't in my plan. Not at all. As a matter of fact it is downright inconvenient. Those of you who know me are fully aware that I don't like to stray from the plan and I don't tolerate inconvenience. So, here we are. Stephen and I surrounded by family and friends (friends that really are family even without sharing the same DNA) -- staring down a pathway full of unknowns. There are going to be several unknowns for a few days. A pet scan is scheduled for Monday to see if the cancer has spread...pray Stephen and I will have peace and the Pet scan will show no other cancers.
Enough about the unknowns, I'm having to trust God to take care of that. I admit, I worry. Know I'm not supposed to...but we're working on that. Here are some of the things I do know:
1. Whatever is happening inside my body, God knew about it way before any doctor suspected a thing.
2. God is bigger than this and He will not leave me. After all, the Bible tells us that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
3. God blessed with the most amazing husband any woman could ever ask for. I didn't deserve him 10 years ago, and I still don't deserve him. I'm absolutely blessed beyond measure here.
4. April Jordan rocks. A girl couldn't ask for a better gal pal and prayer warrior.
5. I have 3 boys that are absolutely worth fighting for.
6. I am surrounded by an amazing family.
There are lots of other things I know, but I'll share them as time goes on. I've done a lot of talking about God, but now let's see if I can live up to what I've claimed over the past years. Of course, I'd absolutely appreciate it if this was miraculously removed from my life today. However, I know that no matter how hard, long, and bumpy this road may be, I serve a mighty God -- in the Bible, He is called Jehovah Rophe -- my healer. I'm claiming that. To those who are praying, you will never know what impact you are having. I am asking you to pray for Stephen -- for his emotional and physical strength. He is a strong Godly man, and I want him to make sure he takes care of himself. He always handles our finances in a manner that would honor God. I can't help but wonder when the financial hardships will strike -- but I know they will. Pray God will meet these needs as they come. I will try my best to keep updates. Pray for the boys, I'm afraid this will be especially hard on Andrew. Aaron does not like being away from Stephen and me or his bed at home. John Curtis just has the setting "full speed ahead" so I'm praying that he will teach me some lessons. Pray most of all that God will be glorified.

With love,
Tracey

The darkness

As I've listened to the narration in our Christmas musical, there has been one line that consumes my thoughts. The author writes of darkness. The times in life where things seem so dark and dreary that you can't even see your hand in front of your face, are you familiar with these? Been there. Done that. Two particular situations weigh on my mind tonight. One -- two special friends with desires in their hearts that now seem unfulfilled. Two -- a group of young people who've experience unimagineable heartache in the past 14 months. In both situations, I know God is there. I know God has a plan that is far beyond anything I could ever imagine or come up with myself. The plan I think would be best, is obviously not the best. That's not the way He's working right now. I can't help but reflect back to a song from my youth choir days that declared, "when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart." Although, I'm not in the midst of this dark night, some of those that I love dearly are experiencing that pain and hurt. I know they are children of God. I know they have declared their faith in Jesus Christ. I don't know what God's plan is. I don't know what the future holds for each of these precious individuals. I'm sure at moments, they feel as if life has just been turned upside down and may never be straightened out again. There were been times after the loss of my mother that I was sure that life would never feel "right" again. Pain, suffering, grief, sorrow...I had come to accept these as part of my life. However, my precious Father, Jehovah Jireh, El Shaddai, used this to bring me closer to His heart. You see, He never moves. It is me. I'm the mover. There have been times in a church service, when Andrew does not want to behave as I expect him to. He will continually "inch" away from me hoping to reach the point where he is out of "pinching" range. Now you know that a "church pinch" from your mama can hurt like nobody's business. Sometimes I find myself "inching" away from God. Sometimes I run. It's not because I don't love Him. It's because sometimes what I see scares me out of my mind. I forget that no matter what is in store, He is with me. He has planned my life out by the second. He has my best interest in hand. Nothing can harm me while His hand is on me. He is the very one that maintains the order in our universe. This very God sits beside me in the darkness when I can see absolutely nothing. He takes my face in His hands and whispers, "I love you." He orders my steps because he has had a plan for me from the beginning. There's nothing I can experience that He has not already conquered. So, heartache, grief, sorrow, you may be present now. But watch out, because my joy will come in the morning. It's always darkest before the dawn.

Switching directions, as I think about darkness, I think about Christ coming to Earth. Lately I've been thinking about the things I despise most. Yeah, weird, twisted, I know. You all know how warped I am. There is a purpose just stay with me. Think about the one thing you despise most. A smell, such as cigarette smoke or macaroni & cheese? A color combination, such as orange and royal blue? An animal, worms, snakes, rats? An action, deceit, hatred? One thing I despise is the smell when the sewage guys come and pump out the tank near my classroom. You see, I have a window in my classroom with a crack. Odors seem to pour through this crack like a fugitive looking for a place to hide. The stench is unimagineable. Gross. Icky. Yuck. Ewwww. Get the picture? I wondered the other day, what if I had to live with that smell all the time? I don't believe I would ever get used to it. I certainly would not choose to live in that situation. However, that's exactly what our Savior did. He despises sin. He is sinless. The thing he hates most -- he CHOSE to dwell in the midst of it for 33 years. I wouldn't make it 3 days with the sewage odor, much less 33 years. I definitely would not CHOOSE to live with that odor. My stomach turns just thinking about it. I wonder if Jesus ever felt His stomach turn when living in a sinful world. Not because of the people necessarily, but because of the sin. I know He loves us and that's why He did it. I guess that is just one more thing that amazes me about Him. He chose to inhabit the sinful planet - He chose to inhabit a place that housed the sin He despises so much. All because He was our only chance to be rescued from death and hell. What darkness God's people must have experienced in the years right before Messiah's arrival. Then He steps into humanity, not with trumpets and royal robes, but in the most humble manner possible. I said earlier, it's always darkest before the dawn.....What a magnificent dawn it was when the Messiah blessed us with His entrance as a babe in a manger. What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see -- When I look upon His face, the One who SAVED me by HIS GRACE.
He is our Deliver, Healer, Provider, Author and Finisher of our salvation! Praise be to God!

An audience

I know that all my life I've been taught that my focus should be on the condition of my heart since that is what God sees. I've also been taught that God is the only one that matters. It doesn't matter what others think about me as long as I am in line with God's will and scripture. Tonight, again, I battle with the issue that just will not seem to go away. Spirit = willing, flesh = weak???? Insecurity is my biggest flaw. What reason do I have to be insecure?? I have the one reason to feel secure - salvation through Jesus Christ.
The first thing I tend to forget is that my measuring stick is our precious Savior. He is the only one to walk sinless upon this earth. He is the only one that paid the penalty for my horrific sins. Upon searching for a definition of measurement, I found several. One stood out among the others. Wikipedia notes that measurement systems are valid if qualifying with accuracy and precision. Hmmm.So, if I think about all the people who have walked or will walk this planet, are any of them completely accurate and precise all the time? Only one. Why then do I continually look around and compare myself to others? Again, spirit - flesh, battling continually. For weeks, my mind has been overtaken with 5 tasks in which I wish to succeed. These tasks would be considered noble by most people. I think God has placed these tasks/responsibilities in my hands. However....I don't believe  I'm seeing things His way all the time.
I'm reminded of Peter. In Matthew 15, Peter and the other disciples were in a boat. Jesus came to them during the night. You know the story...the waves were crashing against the boat, the wind had kicked it up a bit. Peter has a brave moment. Jesus tells him to come out on the water. He goes. What a picture of faith. Waves are crashing, wind is howling, but Peter still wants to display his faith by walking with Jesus on the water. But then, Peter notices the circumstances around him. That's when he began to sink. Our Savior is still there. He's not surprised. He hasn't walked away. He's just still there waiting to deliver Peter from himself. El Shaddaii - Our Deliverer.
When I turn my eyes from the One who truly matters, my measurement of my progress is no longer accurate or precise. Only when I'm focused on my Savior, will He bring my life into focus. As I turn my eyes to him, I must remember what Paul wrote in Philippians 1:21.

It is an honor to call God my Father. Why He chose to redeem me, I'll never understand. Psalm 40 is one of my favorites. The entire thing is pretty good stuff. Tonight, my heart worships Him.
Psalm 40: 1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy ppit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

Worship

Over the past few months, a desire has overwhelmed my soul to experience worship as I never have before. I've longed and begged for the Father to allow me the honor of experiencing the most precious true worship possible. I know that only when I see Him face to face is when I might even begin to understand. When the desire of our heart is in line with God's word and His will, amazing things happen. I ask for a number of things each day. Constantly, I petition the throne of God - sometimes with selfish desires, sometimes in intercession for another, and even sometimes for just the grace I need to make it through each moment of every day without totally completely messing up everything in which I engage. In all honesty, it is probably minimal if you were to count the number of times that me desires and petitions are completely in line with God's word and His will for my life. Well, ask -- and you shall receive...
God began allowingme to see how warped my view of worship had become. Through conversations, scripture, listening to others, sermons preached by some of the greatest men to ever proclaim the gospel -- God used all of these to help me "redefine" my understanding of true worship. It would not be truthful if I told you I was not partial to some particular artists and songs. Who isn't? However, I've found true worship begins when my heart begins to bask in the indescribable majesty of our Heavenly Father. Worship is not a song or a particular style of music. Yes, the praise and worship music written over the past decade has some amazing stuff so to speak. Some of the songs make me want to take a "Hallelujah" lap around my house. Yes, some of the hymns cause my heart to tremble when I think of the attributes described in these amazing pieces of music. Although these things can be used in worship, they are not worship.
I have been questioning my reason for worship. Oh, there are many more reasons than I could ever count. Just thinking about who God is overwhelmed my soul. The song "Heart of Worship" was written several years ago. If you don't know the story behind that song - you need to check it out. A little research never hurt anybody. The lyrics repeat - it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus My worship had to get back to Him. He is the center of worship. How often do I allow my "worship" to be contained in a particular song, artist, drama, feeling, location? That makes it all about me. That my friends is not all about Him, and therefore is not true worship. He is the Living God. Our Healer. Yahweh. Our Deliver. The Prince of Peace. Almighty One. Alpha and Omega. Author of our salvation. Redeemer.As I reflect on some experiences I at one time considered worship, it frightens me. I actually defined the parameters of my worship. Attitudes such as, it's not the right song, not the right place, don't like to hear who's singing it.... They deprived me from some precious experiences with my Father.
As this year has progressed, I've found myself experiencing worship in some places that I once would have considered odd. Small things that are sometimes barely noticeable have sparked a worship experience for me. The fact that He allows me to worship Him, wow. I'm so unworthy - and to think I still at times want to run the show explaining to Him what I need to worship. Me - explaining to a Holy God what He needs to do so that I may enjoy a worship experience. Scary stuff. He created everything, saved me, heals people everyday - the last thing He needs to hear from me is how comfortable I need to be to worship Him. I suspect He desires to hear that phrase it's all about You, it's all about YOU!
Another thing I learned is that worship is like the manna God provided in the Old Testament. I've tried to live on past worship experiences, expecting them to satisfy that desire for today. Oh, to remember is good. Nothing wrong with that. However, He is so amazing that yesterday's worship just won't do for today. His mercies are new every morning - so should my worship be also.
As always, God has used some of those precious servants of His to guide me in learning. I only wish there were words to thank you and to thank Him for allowing me to learn from you all.

With love and a joyful heart,
Tracey

Friendship

Over the past 2-3 months, I've learned some valuable lessons concerning friendship. I strongly believe that God brings people into our lives exactly when we need them. Some of these people are there to encourage us, cry with us, celebrate with us and walk with us through every valley and over every mountain top. Others are brought into our lives to help us see how we can better serve and increase our impact on this Earth to bring glory to the Savior who reigns over all. I've considered all those in my life. I have found that I'm using the word friendship to describe some of my relationships with people that are really just acquaintances. The word friend has been overused by me. We hear a lot of talk about the overuse of the word "love" -- for example, I love chocolate, I love college basketball, I love the beach and the sound of the waves. In my experience, I believe I have used the word friend to describe some really nice people. However, I've found a true friend that is deserving of that title has some special qualities. Now, how did I learn these lessons???? You guys all probably are aware of these things, but as you know (because you love me and care about me) I'm kinda' hard headed concerning some things. It takes me a bit longer to catch on sometimes.
A couple of months ago, two acquaintances who I thought were friends launced a very personal attack on me. Every aspect of my life was considered fair game, I guess one could say. From my profession to my ability to parent and my ability to be a good wife... I have to say I considered the advice of these people. However, after much prayer, tears and searching the scripture, I realized this attack was straight from Satan. The attackers were unrelenting until I finally "admitted" that they were right, I was horrible and a complete failure. Then they were glad to see that I was accepting their help -- yes, they called it help. Their attacks ceased. I had waved the white flag - which is TOTALLY unlike me. I didn't really agree with all the accusations, but I agreed verbally in hope to stop the whole dramatic sequence that seemed unwilling to end. The attack had succeeded in ripping my heart and soul into emotional shreds.  Since then, recovery has been my focus this summer. I did examine my life to see if their diagnosis was accurate. God showed me some areas that needed to be worked on. Most of all, He has taught me to be a little more discerning in who I listen to. He taught me that these two people were not dependable to seek Godly advice from or even depend on to help me grow closer to Him. I haven't been really good at that discerning thing, still working on it, and will continue to work on it probably for the rest of my life. Along this road I also battled attacks from other areas. Most of these have centered around one of two things.  A: The fact that I am ultra, ultra, ultra conservative and I don't waver or apologize for my convictions (which I try to make sure are based on scripture) B: I am very quick to pull away from people when I feel threatened or feel as if I'm ridculed by them for my convictions and belief.
I have called myself a social recluse. I initially pulled away from almost everyone except my family and April. I was able to observe some of those "friends" and determine whether they were truly my friend or just someone God had placed in my path for a period of time to teach me a specific lesson.
This is what I discovered.
God has blessed me with an amazing husband. He is a godly man that picks me up when I'm face down in the mud and mire. I couldn't ask for a better best friend.
I've been blessed with the 3 most precious boys ever gracing the planet. They love me in spite of my fallen state.
I have family that surrounds me during the hard times, they correct me when I'm wrong, and the never give up on me even though I have countless inadequacies. Please know this includes my family & Stephen's. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.
I have learned that family does not have to be there for you. They make a choice. A sister, an aunt, and a special cousin have never failed to love on me when the toughest times have come. They never fail to rejoice when the happiest of times are here.
April and Ashley were just dropped into my lap, so to speak. You girls will never know the impact you've had on me. I love you both. These girls would walk with me through the darkest of valleys, and I hope they know that I would do the same for them.
Finally, the most important, the greatest friend one could ever have, the one who gave His life for me. Every human connection I have could leave me or fail me. We are not perfect, we are of the flesh. I could fail each and every one of these people that I love. However, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer, will never leave me or fail me. He is the ultimate example of what a friend is.
I'm grateful for my acquaintances, they are involved in my process of sanctification. God uses them to teach me. Some lessons are fun, some not so much.
However, these true friends are a magnificent gift from God. He is amazing.
These past few months have been emotionally trying, but I still stick to that song - Joy Comes in the Morning...
Well, I still have a lot to learn, a lot of healing that my Father will provide, and millions of things to be grateful for. Thanks be to God for those friends he has given me that have and will hold my hand as the fiery darts are sent my way.

I have many favorite scriptures and passages. The past few weeks, and especially the past 24 hours, I've had to cling to Psalm 30 & 40. It came from a Beth Moore study -- she's got some pretty good stuff.