Thursday, October 27, 2011

Why not me?

Sometimes we ask the question, "Why me?" I know that I've probably allowed this question to linger in my mind much more than I am willing to admit. Sometimes we ask the question, "Why not me?" -- mostly when we something good happen to someone else. Again, this has happened more than I would like to admit.
Lately, I've asked this question. However, it is not because I'm witnessing something good happen in the life of someone else. Some of you know that I keep up with Sara Walker. Sara was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer (metastic in her liver) at the age of 33. She has endured chemo in all of its fury, but the cancer is not responding.
Sara seems to be running out of options. There are a couple of other things the doctors can try. Some of these are still in the "trial" phase. I know we serve a God of miracles. He is just as capable today as He was at the beginning of time. However, He doesn't always choose to heal in the time and manner that the human brain views as the best option.
When I think of Sara, which is often, I can't help but wonder -- why not me...
I guess you might think I'm crazy. I guess that after my miracle I should just be dancing in the street with overwhelming joy. I am thankful, but some days, my heart is just stricken with guilt. I could have easily been in Sara's shoes. (That is another miracle -- the fact that cancer had not set up all over my body.)As I read her updates, as she factors in death, I feel as if my heart is being ripped into pieces. Sara has by no means given up. She will fight as long as she is allowed to fight. God could step in and heal her earthly body, but even Sara admits that earthly healing might not be part of His plan.
Coming to a realization that death is a possiblity after you are diagnosed with cancer, realizing that you could (very soon) leave behind an amazing husband and precious little guys, that is heart breaking. Actually having to walk down that road...another story. I know that in heaven, I wouldn't be worried about earthly things. I would not want to come back for anyone. However, in this flesh I am subject to the pain and emotional part of life. Knowing that Sara thinks of these things, well, it's like having a knife rip through my chest.
I've been told that losing a child is one of the worst emotional pains one can experience. I don't know, and honestly, I hope I never know. However, I do know that losing a parent when you are young is a truly horrific experience. I don't know how it compares to losing others in your life, but I am here to tell you that it is horribly painful. I guess that's what I hate most about this whole situation...cancer is taking away the ability of a loving mother to do all the things she wants to for her children. The fact that two precious little guys are watching their mom suffer through some horrible circumstances. Now, they are witnessing an amazing woman show them how to handle tough times with grace that can only be provided by our heavenly Father.
 I hate to think that any child or teenager would have to bid an earthly goodbye to a parent. Not that losing a parent is easy at any point, but being a typical girl, there was always that gaping hole. I had a wonderful family that attempted to fill in every gap possible. However, when picking out a wedding dress, holding your child for the first time..those are all moments that you long for YOUR mom to be there. For years, Mother's Day wreaked havoc within my heart. I completely hated the entire month of May. Hearing of others participating in activities with their mom, was plain hard sometimes. I didn't dislike people for this, I just always wished that my mom was still around to do those things. In my head, I knew she was perfectly content walking the streets of gold. Knowing this in my heart took much longer -- lots of pain during that time, also. There are still days that I long for my mom. One day, we'll sit and chat again, that is if I ever get over being in the presence of my Jesus (and I'm hoping I never get over that.)
For Sara, her husband and her boys, I pray for God's healing hand to touch her body and rid it of any cancer cells. I pray that if this is not God's plan, He will hold their hearts close and provide the love and comfort that only He can provide.
If you know a mom or dad with young children, and they are battling cancer, break out the medal of honor my friend. I've met several on this journey, each are much braver than me, and fight a battle much harder than mine. These are true warriors.
To those kiddos who've lost a parent, hang on. The sun does shine again. I'm living proof of that.

I'm thankful and honored that God saw fit to leave me here. We all know I need a whole lot more work before I spend eternity in the presence of the Almighty One. I'm blessed to have witnessed a brave mom who fought with such courage. I'm eternally grateful to have witnessed some of the bravest warriors who happen to be the youngest ones - those who battle childhood cancer. There are no words to express my feelings for the 4 guys that put up with me every day. Most importantly, my Savior who saved me and keeps loving me no matter how badly I mess up.

Please pray for sweet Sara. Also, Zach Howard and Freida Oliver. Bayleigh Phillips has more courage in her little finger than I will ever have in my entire body, pray that God will continue to provide her with good days.

Much love and thank you for reading,

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