Have you ever felt that some serious efforts you had put into things made no difference whatsoever?? This has been one of the most trying weeks I've had in quite some time. The 30th psalm is one of my favorites. It's been playing in the back of my mind since the storm hit Monday. Not a literal James Spann kind of storm, but that mental, emotional, spiritual kind of storm. The kind that Paul referred to in Ephesians 6:12. Last Sunday, our pastor preached on facing the storms in life. I have to admit, I left church feeling more prepared than ever to face the week. I had on my spiritual raincoat and rainboots. My super sized spiritual umbrella was ready for the rains to come. I had my life raft inflated and ready to go. I stood ready to face the storm. The only problem was, I expected the storm to come from the Atlantic, and it creeped up behind me from the total opposite direction. (That would be the Pacific for you geographically challeneged folks.) I totally didn't expect the first storm. I've shared with some about this particular one. I'm still praying my way through it. Knowing now that it could be a slow moving storm, I've actually been able to turn this one over to God pretty easily. Now, remembering I'm a control freak, that should speak volumes. Anyhow, I had no other choice but to turn it over - I had NO clue how to navigate through it.
Coming from Alabama, especially the eastern-central part of Alabama, we have a lot of weather. For everyone knows the weather pocket is here and Birmingham doesn't experience weather. (Katrina and Brandon - that one was for you..the lady from O'Charley's sometime back.) Before you question my ability to effectively teach science, I know we are not in a weather pocket and Birmingham does experience weather. Moving on...many times when a severe weather system moves through, more storms appear due to the unstable atmosphere and the way God designed things. Well, somewhere along the way another storm developed. This one - I'm not really sure which direction it came from. I was focused on the other one. It just seemed to come out of nowhere and slap me in the back of the head with seriously strong winds. By now, my umbrella is blown inside out, my life boat is punctured by a stick from someone's campfire debris at Talladega, and even my raincoat is soaked inside and out - no longer offering a dry haven for my weary self. It's just me and God. I've not yet shared this battle with anyone. It's still just mine. I don't know if pride keeps me from calling in my prayer partners or if it's some deeper issue I don't realize because I stink at psychology unless it's concerning 5th graders. I can figure out 5th graders, it's the rest of the population I struggle with.
There have been times that I've honestly wondered what impact I'm having. I seem to be getting no response in one particular service area in my life. I work really hard at it. I have a deep passion for it. I'm not the best at it, but I think I'm pretty average. Why then do I not see some evidence that it is impacting someone? I'm trying to muddle through and figure out if this is God's way of telling me that it's not what He wants me to do or if I'm just not going about things the right way. Either way, I'm really anxious for the answer. Before my dad and grandmother get hold of this...I'm not changing careers. It probably would panic both of them if I quit my job. I know without a doubt I'm in the career where God wants me. I wish James Spann had some kind of spiritual radar that could map out this storm and it's path. At least I'd know where I'm headed and the severity of things. Of course, on second thought, I'd probably be scared to death if I knew what was ahead. I think I'll just wait on God and hope that I don't mess up things too badly.
I wish certain people could see the passion I have for this particular service and know really where my heart is. My head knows it really doesn't matter, because, after all -- it's really all about HIM and what He thinks. Convincing my heart of that is easier some days than others.
- ► 2011 (11)