An audience

I know that all my life I've been taught that my focus should be on the condition of my heart since that is what God sees. I've also been taught that God is the only one that matters. It doesn't matter what others think about me as long as I am in line with God's will and scripture. Tonight, again, I battle with the issue that just will not seem to go away. Spirit = willing, flesh = weak???? Insecurity is my biggest flaw. What reason do I have to be insecure?? I have the one reason to feel secure - salvation through Jesus Christ.
The first thing I tend to forget is that my measuring stick is our precious Savior. He is the only one to walk sinless upon this earth. He is the only one that paid the penalty for my horrific sins. Upon searching for a definition of measurement, I found several. One stood out among the others. Wikipedia notes that measurement systems are valid if qualifying with accuracy and precision. Hmmm.So, if I think about all the people who have walked or will walk this planet, are any of them completely accurate and precise all the time? Only one. Why then do I continually look around and compare myself to others? Again, spirit - flesh, battling continually. For weeks, my mind has been overtaken with 5 tasks in which I wish to succeed. These tasks would be considered noble by most people. I think God has placed these tasks/responsibilities in my hands. However....I don't believe  I'm seeing things His way all the time.
I'm reminded of Peter. In Matthew 15, Peter and the other disciples were in a boat. Jesus came to them during the night. You know the story...the waves were crashing against the boat, the wind had kicked it up a bit. Peter has a brave moment. Jesus tells him to come out on the water. He goes. What a picture of faith. Waves are crashing, wind is howling, but Peter still wants to display his faith by walking with Jesus on the water. But then, Peter notices the circumstances around him. That's when he began to sink. Our Savior is still there. He's not surprised. He hasn't walked away. He's just still there waiting to deliver Peter from himself. El Shaddaii - Our Deliverer.
When I turn my eyes from the One who truly matters, my measurement of my progress is no longer accurate or precise. Only when I'm focused on my Savior, will He bring my life into focus. As I turn my eyes to him, I must remember what Paul wrote in Philippians 1:21.

It is an honor to call God my Father. Why He chose to redeem me, I'll never understand. Psalm 40 is one of my favorites. The entire thing is pretty good stuff. Tonight, my heart worships Him.
Psalm 40: 1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy ppit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

Worship

Over the past few months, a desire has overwhelmed my soul to experience worship as I never have before. I've longed and begged for the Father to allow me the honor of experiencing the most precious true worship possible. I know that only when I see Him face to face is when I might even begin to understand. When the desire of our heart is in line with God's word and His will, amazing things happen. I ask for a number of things each day. Constantly, I petition the throne of God - sometimes with selfish desires, sometimes in intercession for another, and even sometimes for just the grace I need to make it through each moment of every day without totally completely messing up everything in which I engage. In all honesty, it is probably minimal if you were to count the number of times that me desires and petitions are completely in line with God's word and His will for my life. Well, ask -- and you shall receive...
God began allowingme to see how warped my view of worship had become. Through conversations, scripture, listening to others, sermons preached by some of the greatest men to ever proclaim the gospel -- God used all of these to help me "redefine" my understanding of true worship. It would not be truthful if I told you I was not partial to some particular artists and songs. Who isn't? However, I've found true worship begins when my heart begins to bask in the indescribable majesty of our Heavenly Father. Worship is not a song or a particular style of music. Yes, the praise and worship music written over the past decade has some amazing stuff so to speak. Some of the songs make me want to take a "Hallelujah" lap around my house. Yes, some of the hymns cause my heart to tremble when I think of the attributes described in these amazing pieces of music. Although these things can be used in worship, they are not worship.
I have been questioning my reason for worship. Oh, there are many more reasons than I could ever count. Just thinking about who God is overwhelmed my soul. The song "Heart of Worship" was written several years ago. If you don't know the story behind that song - you need to check it out. A little research never hurt anybody. The lyrics repeat - it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus My worship had to get back to Him. He is the center of worship. How often do I allow my "worship" to be contained in a particular song, artist, drama, feeling, location? That makes it all about me. That my friends is not all about Him, and therefore is not true worship. He is the Living God. Our Healer. Yahweh. Our Deliver. The Prince of Peace. Almighty One. Alpha and Omega. Author of our salvation. Redeemer.As I reflect on some experiences I at one time considered worship, it frightens me. I actually defined the parameters of my worship. Attitudes such as, it's not the right song, not the right place, don't like to hear who's singing it.... They deprived me from some precious experiences with my Father.
As this year has progressed, I've found myself experiencing worship in some places that I once would have considered odd. Small things that are sometimes barely noticeable have sparked a worship experience for me. The fact that He allows me to worship Him, wow. I'm so unworthy - and to think I still at times want to run the show explaining to Him what I need to worship. Me - explaining to a Holy God what He needs to do so that I may enjoy a worship experience. Scary stuff. He created everything, saved me, heals people everyday - the last thing He needs to hear from me is how comfortable I need to be to worship Him. I suspect He desires to hear that phrase it's all about You, it's all about YOU!
Another thing I learned is that worship is like the manna God provided in the Old Testament. I've tried to live on past worship experiences, expecting them to satisfy that desire for today. Oh, to remember is good. Nothing wrong with that. However, He is so amazing that yesterday's worship just won't do for today. His mercies are new every morning - so should my worship be also.
As always, God has used some of those precious servants of His to guide me in learning. I only wish there were words to thank you and to thank Him for allowing me to learn from you all.

With love and a joyful heart,
Tracey

Friendship

Over the past 2-3 months, I've learned some valuable lessons concerning friendship. I strongly believe that God brings people into our lives exactly when we need them. Some of these people are there to encourage us, cry with us, celebrate with us and walk with us through every valley and over every mountain top. Others are brought into our lives to help us see how we can better serve and increase our impact on this Earth to bring glory to the Savior who reigns over all. I've considered all those in my life. I have found that I'm using the word friendship to describe some of my relationships with people that are really just acquaintances. The word friend has been overused by me. We hear a lot of talk about the overuse of the word "love" -- for example, I love chocolate, I love college basketball, I love the beach and the sound of the waves. In my experience, I believe I have used the word friend to describe some really nice people. However, I've found a true friend that is deserving of that title has some special qualities. Now, how did I learn these lessons???? You guys all probably are aware of these things, but as you know (because you love me and care about me) I'm kinda' hard headed concerning some things. It takes me a bit longer to catch on sometimes.
A couple of months ago, two acquaintances who I thought were friends launced a very personal attack on me. Every aspect of my life was considered fair game, I guess one could say. From my profession to my ability to parent and my ability to be a good wife... I have to say I considered the advice of these people. However, after much prayer, tears and searching the scripture, I realized this attack was straight from Satan. The attackers were unrelenting until I finally "admitted" that they were right, I was horrible and a complete failure. Then they were glad to see that I was accepting their help -- yes, they called it help. Their attacks ceased. I had waved the white flag - which is TOTALLY unlike me. I didn't really agree with all the accusations, but I agreed verbally in hope to stop the whole dramatic sequence that seemed unwilling to end. The attack had succeeded in ripping my heart and soul into emotional shreds.  Since then, recovery has been my focus this summer. I did examine my life to see if their diagnosis was accurate. God showed me some areas that needed to be worked on. Most of all, He has taught me to be a little more discerning in who I listen to. He taught me that these two people were not dependable to seek Godly advice from or even depend on to help me grow closer to Him. I haven't been really good at that discerning thing, still working on it, and will continue to work on it probably for the rest of my life. Along this road I also battled attacks from other areas. Most of these have centered around one of two things.  A: The fact that I am ultra, ultra, ultra conservative and I don't waver or apologize for my convictions (which I try to make sure are based on scripture) B: I am very quick to pull away from people when I feel threatened or feel as if I'm ridculed by them for my convictions and belief.
I have called myself a social recluse. I initially pulled away from almost everyone except my family and April. I was able to observe some of those "friends" and determine whether they were truly my friend or just someone God had placed in my path for a period of time to teach me a specific lesson.
This is what I discovered.
God has blessed me with an amazing husband. He is a godly man that picks me up when I'm face down in the mud and mire. I couldn't ask for a better best friend.
I've been blessed with the 3 most precious boys ever gracing the planet. They love me in spite of my fallen state.
I have family that surrounds me during the hard times, they correct me when I'm wrong, and the never give up on me even though I have countless inadequacies. Please know this includes my family & Stephen's. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.
I have learned that family does not have to be there for you. They make a choice. A sister, an aunt, and a special cousin have never failed to love on me when the toughest times have come. They never fail to rejoice when the happiest of times are here.
April and Ashley were just dropped into my lap, so to speak. You girls will never know the impact you've had on me. I love you both. These girls would walk with me through the darkest of valleys, and I hope they know that I would do the same for them.
Finally, the most important, the greatest friend one could ever have, the one who gave His life for me. Every human connection I have could leave me or fail me. We are not perfect, we are of the flesh. I could fail each and every one of these people that I love. However, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer, will never leave me or fail me. He is the ultimate example of what a friend is.
I'm grateful for my acquaintances, they are involved in my process of sanctification. God uses them to teach me. Some lessons are fun, some not so much.
However, these true friends are a magnificent gift from God. He is amazing.
These past few months have been emotionally trying, but I still stick to that song - Joy Comes in the Morning...
Well, I still have a lot to learn, a lot of healing that my Father will provide, and millions of things to be grateful for. Thanks be to God for those friends he has given me that have and will hold my hand as the fiery darts are sent my way.

I have many favorite scriptures and passages. The past few weeks, and especially the past 24 hours, I've had to cling to Psalm 30 & 40. It came from a Beth Moore study -- she's got some pretty good stuff.

Life is hard

One of my favorite songs is I Will Praise You in the Storm. I usually like anything that Casting Crowns puts out, but this one is just special to me. Today I was very much reminded of how hard it is sometimes to focus on the praise that God deserves. Sometimes, the storm rages with such fury, that praise is the last thing on my mind. I do hope a very special couple knows that they are in my prayers tonight. Some news is hard to take - especially when it includes the loss of a precious life. God does have a plan. I know that. This couple knows that. However, sometimes it still hurts.
I'm no expert on dealing with the yuck of life. I have learned some things. The biggest lesson I have to review quite often is that God made us emotional creatures. He expects us to experience emotions when life experiences are enjoyable and when they are not so much fun. It took me a long time to accept the fact that I could be upset, sad, hurt, etc. The key is to remember through my sadness and hurt that He still loves me. When I hurt, He hurts. He also will not abandon me no matter how yucky life gets. I know yucky is not really the most magnificent description, but it fits some situations. For me, the times where I feel the most hurt and sadness lead to some of the most precious times with my Father God. Hurt and sadness do not come alone to His children. The presence of the awesome peace only He can provide sweeps over and consumes our soul. Peace that comes when He steps in and takes over. He may not change our circumstances. He may not instantly remove the pain. He will lead us through. He will provide comfort for what could turn into a long daunting journey through dark valleys. I had a hard time accepting that it was alright for me to experience all of these emotions. I felt as if I was a failure to feel this way. No. Depending on Him to heal and provide comfort is exactly what I need to do.

Psalm 30

Have you ever felt that some serious efforts you had put into things made no difference whatsoever?? This has been one of the most trying weeks I've had in quite some time. The 30th psalm is one of my favorites. It's been playing in the back of my mind since the storm hit Monday. Not a literal James Spann kind of storm, but that mental, emotional, spiritual kind of storm. The kind that Paul referred to in Ephesians 6:12. Last Sunday, our pastor preached on facing the storms in life. I have to admit, I left church feeling more prepared than ever to face the week. I had on my spiritual raincoat and rainboots. My super sized spiritual umbrella was ready for the rains to come. I had my life raft inflated and ready to go. I stood ready to face the storm. The only problem was, I expected the storm to come from the Atlantic, and it creeped up behind me from the total opposite direction. (That would be the Pacific for you geographically challeneged folks.) I totally didn't expect the first storm. I've shared with some about this particular one. I'm still praying my way through it. Knowing now that it could be a slow moving storm, I've actually been able to turn this one over to God pretty easily. Now, remembering I'm a control freak, that should speak volumes. Anyhow, I had no other choice but to turn it over - I had NO clue how to navigate through it.
Coming from Alabama, especially the eastern-central part of Alabama, we have a lot of weather. For everyone knows the weather pocket is here and Birmingham doesn't experience weather. (Katrina and Brandon - that one was for you..the lady from O'Charley's sometime back.) Before you question my ability to effectively teach science, I know we are not in a weather pocket and Birmingham does experience weather. Moving on...many times when a severe weather system moves through, more storms appear due to the unstable atmosphere and the way God designed things. Well, somewhere along the way another storm developed. This one - I'm not really sure which direction it came from. I was focused on the other one. It just seemed to come out of nowhere and slap me in the back of the head with seriously strong winds. By now, my umbrella is blown inside out, my life boat is punctured by a stick from someone's campfire debris at Talladega, and even my raincoat is soaked inside and out - no longer offering a dry haven for my weary self. It's just me and God. I've not yet shared this battle with anyone. It's still just mine. I don't know if pride keeps me from calling in my prayer partners or if it's some deeper issue I don't realize because I stink at psychology unless it's concerning 5th graders. I can figure out 5th graders, it's the rest of the population I struggle with.
There have been times that I've honestly wondered what impact I'm having. I seem to be getting no response in one particular service area in my life. I work really hard at it. I have a deep passion for it. I'm not the best at it, but I think I'm pretty average. Why then do I not see some evidence that it is impacting someone? I'm trying to muddle through and figure out if this is God's way of telling me that it's not what He wants me to do or if I'm just not going about things the right way. Either way, I'm really anxious for the answer. Before my dad and grandmother get hold of this...I'm not changing careers. It probably would panic both of them if I quit my job. I know without a doubt I'm in the career where God wants me. I wish James Spann had some kind of spiritual radar that could map out this storm and it's path. At least I'd know where I'm headed and the severity of things. Of course, on second thought, I'd probably be scared to death if I knew what was ahead. I think I'll just wait on God and hope that I don't mess up things too badly.
I wish certain people could see the passion I have for this particular service and know really where my heart is. My head knows it really doesn't matter, because, after all -- it's really all about HIM and what He thinks. Convincing my heart of that is easier some days than others.

Birds and ugly words

Several months ago, we purchased a family membership to the local museum. Wow. We are such smart parents. The world of knowledge that is contained within those hallowed walls - The Anniston Museum of Natural History......(the readers gasp with amazement and awe at the wisdom of these two parents.) Actually, we did it because it was a cheap way to entertain our children. Anyhow, Andrew reads very well and was challenging himself on reading all the posted information. We arrived at the bird section. The display is rather nice. Beneath some very fancy panels, one will discover the name of a species of bird and a description of its habitat and behaviors. Welllll, the very first one Andrew opens is spelled b-u-s-h-t-i-t. As you can imagine, no pronounciation he could come up with turned out well. Lots of people were around to hear - yay!! He treated them to several pronounciations which either sounded profane or vulgar. Of course, he had no clue. Each attempt included a loud emphasis on a syllable of an undesirable sort. Woo-hoo for phonics. We couldn't choose the owl or flamingo - nooo, that would not embarrass mom nearly as bad.

Seriously????

Today was a usual Monday. Life started off in a rush because I like to sleep 5 minutes past when I really should. Administered the science assessment today - don't really know what to expect from it. Oh, well. It's out of my hands now. Life began to improve when I heard there was no faculty meeting. Now, those of you've who have experienced a long faculty meeting at the end of a hard Monday, when the weather is beautiful...you know how it is. Oh yeah, and you are all out of caffeine free cokes and skittles to help you through the meeting. Improvement was short-lived.
Stephen picked up Aaron and John Curtis from day care. When Andrew was in preschool, we didn't have to keep a weekly log of how many times he got on yellow or red. Welllll, Aaron is another story. Not just another chapter. Not just another book. A whole new series by a different author in a completely different literary genre. Now, Aaron is a whole LOT like his daddy. There is one major difference. Aaron is not nearly as sly or sneaky about his mischief. He pretty much puts his michief out there for all to see. Last week, ONE of his many incidents included rolling down the hallway at school. Mrs. Lucy told the children to line up. Aaron did just as she said. Well, she obviously didn't tell him that this was not the national "practice your stop drop and roll" day. Hey, we have talk like a pirate day, Aaron just figured this was a good concept. So, since Mrs. Lucy did not specify that he was to WALK down the hallway, Aaron decided he would practice rolling down the hallway. I know exactly what he did, because he's done it a thousand times at home. He lays in the floor. His arms stretch out above his head. His toes stretch as far as the can. Let the rolling begin. Aaron is rolling down the hallway like an escaped log from the show Ax Men. Mrs. Lucy abruptly interrupts his session of perfecting his stop, drop, and roll technique. I guess she realized that fire safety week is coming later in the year. Now, to the good stuff.
Monday's misery.....
Mrs. Lucy has a policy of letting children in her classroom earn back their green status after their name has been moved to the yellow apple. Not only did Aaron not earn back his green status, he decided to promote himself to the red apple. This qualifies one to take a note home to mom and dad. Ohhhh, the dreaded note that is clipped to the sign-out board with my name on it.
As Stephen lumbered through the doorway with the two little ones, he sent Aaron straight to his room. Of course, Aaron forgetting that he is some serious trouble, skips to his room. Eyes twinkling. A bounce in every step.
Upon entering Aaron's room, he notices THE NOTE in my hand. I explained to him that we needed to talk about what happened at school. The conversation was as follows:
Me:   Aaron, I'm about to read you the note Mrs. Lucy sent. It tells me what you did at school today.
Aaron:  Mommy, you see, I reeeeeallllly tried to stay on green for a long time. But I didn't.
blue eyes twinkling - attempting to lure me away from employing consequences
Me: I read the note. Aaron, why did you hit someone in the face?
Aaron: I really tried to stay on yellow, but hers had to put me on red. It's alright though. I can be on green tomorrow.
Me:  Aaron, you know that you are to keep your hands to yourself. You are certainly not to hurt your friends at school.
Aaron: Welllll, I really tried to stay on green for a long time, but then I got on yellow for a long time, and then hers had to put me on green.
Letting me know that he thinks repeating his argument over and over will wear me down. Little does he know that I am the queen of stubborn humans. I will overcome the deceptive nature of this youngster.Me: You know that there are consequences for your actions. I'm going to give you your consequences now.
Aaron: That's okay, mommy. I don't want them.


He really, seriously thinks he has a choice in this matter. While enduring his consequences, he repeatedly screamed for PawPaw to come help him. I guess this lets me know he recognizes the lack of compassion flowing from his mother's heart. After all, one of Pawpaw's strengths is compassion. Oh, well, at least he's figured it out early.