Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

It seems like an eternity that you've been gone....but I know for you it probably just seems like a few moments. I have so many things I wish I could tell you. So many things I wish you could see.

I do believe you would be happy with the man I married. I wish you could have known him. He takes good care of me and loves me as a Godly man should love his wife. You have three precious grandsons who inherited some of your genetic features courtesy of the Wilsons. Stubbornness seems to move closer to perfection with each generation. Your great grandchildren should be very interesting.

There are a few things I think about quite often.
What is He like? What was it like to see Jesus face to face?
Are you proud of me? I know. You have better stuff to think about now but, if you were still here, would you be proud of me? How am I measuring up to what you dreamed for me?
Did you know how badly I missed you? When I graduated from college? Oh, how I wanted to take a picture with you.
When I got married, I wanted you there to straighten my veil. I wanted you there so that I could fuss at you for not doing things my way....like every other bride.
I want you here to see my sweet boys. To hug them, feed them candy, and remind me that it all goes by too quickly.
I want your sister to be able to go shopping with you and brag on her grandkids, because they're pretty incredible.
I wish you could see your granddaughter. She's as pretty as her mom, and acts just like her, too.
I want you to call you when I get scared about an upcoming scan or bloodwork. Lets face it, you were a pro at handling those things.
All this is selfish. I know that it's for the best. I have amazing women in my life that support me every step of the way.

I wish you could write in the sky and let me know what you think.

More than 20 years have gone by. Pain doesn't go away, but I have managed to deal. Patsy and Junior take care of Grandmother better than anyone could. Kelly and Emily keep her entertained so she's not too lonely. Fact is, we are all ok. But my heart has a hole that will never be filled. One more moment to talk with you wouldn't be enough. There's too much I want you to know. I want to see you, but also want to stay here, raise my boys, and grow old with this man God gave me. Until that day, I love you, and always will.

My thoughts on the recent ruling probably won't matter to many, but here it is. My constitutional right is now being used. You, just like me, have rights. I urge you to exercise them. I am well aware that by putting my feelings and beliefs on the web make me a target. If you think Christians are not persecuted in this country, you are wrong. It's not as severe as some places in this world, but it DOES take place.
In our small town, there are Christians who attend work every day. I know of one who does a very good job. We'll call this individual Joe USA. Joe is a hard worker. Never expects a handout, works hard for everything he gets. Joe has conservative views and does not vote for a particular party. Instead, Joe chooses the candidate most aligned with the standards God gives us in His word, the Bible. Joe helps others in need. Joe respects his employers. Yet, anytime Joe mentions God or religious beliefs - just in conversation, not beating people over the head with it - he is chastised and made fun of. In meetings, others ridicule Christians and make fun of them. Christians are basically ripped to shreds with the snide, rude, intolerant comments. Yet, these same individuals fail to ever help someone in need. They call others stingy, but refuse to share mere coins with someone who is in true desperate need of assistance. So, if you call me intolerant, I want you to take just ONE moment and tell me that Joe and many like him are not being discriminated against. In your mind, if you are completely honest, you must acknowledge that Joe is being treated unfairly. While, always standing by his beliefs, he is respectful and loves people just as our SAVIOR wants us to love others.
With that said, the Supreme Court has recognized who may receive benefits. I know there's a lot more to it, but for the sake of time and kiddos that will need my attention shortly, we are just gonna' go for the nutshell this time. The ruling does not anger me as much as the people who think they can rewrite what God defined as marriage even before the foundation of the Earth. And yes. I do believe He created it. I do believe He is the only God. I do believe that Jesus put on flesh and bore the ultimate punishment for our sin. Just so you know where I'm coming from. If it offends you, I'm not sorry. I've not been overbearing, I've not harmed you in any way. God decided what marriage is. He defined it. You can say what you want, but that does not make it true. I can stand on a street in the busiest city and declare that whales live in the middle of the Sahara. Does that make it true? Absurd, you say? That's not the same. Well, yes it is. I will not treat others hatefully because of life choices. However, I will NOT allow you to push your way into my home, the lives of my children and try to influence them that this is okay. It is not right. So, as I'm disgusted by the ruling, angered at people thinking they are higher than my God, I'm also frightened.
Yes. Frightened. Not so much for me, but for their soul. I know what God thinks of marriage. I know He values it as a precious institution that He ordained. He is protective of marriage - the way HE defined it. The way HE established it. The way HE created it. I don't believe I can even imagine the feeling these individuals will have when one day, facing The GOD of the universe, they must answer for violating His law, then also for trying to promote themselves to a higher level than Him. My wish for you is to now fall on your face and recognize His holiness, righteousness and saving grace before you must face Him after you life here is finished. This is not the end. We will see Him face to face. He will pass judgment on us. None of us are guaranteed another second on this Earth. We only have this moment. Don't waste it. Seek the face of God. You are not equal to Him. You are not better than Him. You are not beyond His reach.

For us as Christians, I believe He said......
If MY people which are called by MY name,
You know the rest.


Father,
Thank you for you incredible mercy and grace. Even though many seem to continually spit in your face and disregard your truth, you pour out compassion and mercy. You love us. You do not love our sin. Thank you for loving me and reaching down to me. You pulled me out of the reach of death and hell. I love you and worship your Holy Name. No one on this Earth can change Your truth and I am grateful that it will never change. Everything else could be removed from existence, but YOUR truth, YOUR holiness, YOUR righteousness, YOUR faithfulness is never changing.
Blessed be the name of the LORD!

Dearest Mikayla,

There are a few things I need to share with you so that you understand why I think you are so incredibly amazing. I know for me to tell you that I love you dearly and I adore you may seem just like words. However, I want for you to understand what I really mean when I tell you those things.

To begin with, if I ever had a daughter, I do believe that I would want her to be pretty much like you -- completely you, exactly just as you are right now in this moment in time. You have - and always will - a special place in my heart. There is no banner, no crown, no title that could make you any more special and amazing in my eyes.

Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
You are a beautiful young lady, both inside and out. However, I know that in your heart you seek to honor God, because you know that is the one thing that matters most. Stick with it! You are encouraging every one you meet to seek Him. Along with the guidance from two precious Christian parents, you are a shining example of a beautiful young lady dressing and acting respectfully towards others and yourself. You are taking the things they have taught you and coupling it with a desire to honor God. I wish that all young ladies had the spiritual encouragement and desire to please our Creator as you have experienced.

Philippians 1:3 & 6
I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.
Being confident of this very thing, that He that has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.
Our Father has begun a good work in you. I am sure, with every fiber of my being, that He will remain faithful and complete what he has begun. The Almighty Creator fulfills His most perfect plan when He works in the lives of His children. Sometimes, seeing where His plan will take us proves difficult. Especially when we think we know what is best for us or when our heart desires something that is not in His will for our lives. Those desires are not always a sick, horrible, sinful thing -- but if it's not in His plan, it's not what is best for us. I want you to know that no matter what disappointments may come your way, He always has something better in store.
If what you believe would be an incredible experience does not work out, your heart may experience some pain and sorrow. However, He has something even more amazing in store and our desires would not touch the content our heart will feel when He pours out His blessings.
When I think about how God will use you to accomplish work for His kingdom, it is an exciting moment. Just as He had a particular plan for Esther, Ruth, and Mary, He has an intricate plan for your life.

Matthew 28:18-20
Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
I'm sure you are aware that this is a directive given by our Savior to His disciples. Not many people can really handle this. Honestly, I don't do an adequate job with this command. It's not because I don't want to....just have a hard time doing it well. Many of us tend to define our role in this command rather than letting God define our role. Keep trusting Him. He will guide you. It may be the far corners of the Earth, but it could just be a unique "out of the box" kind of situation that He places you in. It's all in His time, and He will help you spread the sweet gospel message. When others around you back down, when others around you fail to proclaim His message of salvation, continue what you are doing now. Keep sharing the sweet news of our loving God and His amazing grace.

Zechariah 9:16
The LORD their God will save his people on that day as a shepherd saves his flock. They will sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown.
My sister brought my attention to this verse, and it has become one of my favorites. I can't help but think of you.
Jewels. Rare. Precious. Valuable.
These words all describe you. You are like a jewel. Your family treats you as a jewel. They care for you, protect you, help polish you so you may shine. You are a rare young woman. There are not many like you. Your value can not be measured. A perfect God became man and dwelt here on this planet. He lived wth sinners, but never sinned. Yet, you are so precious to Him, that He died a cruel death on a horrible, wretched cross. Those who love you, truly love you with a genuine love from God, will treat you in a manner that shows they recognize how valuable you are.
A crown is worn by royalty. Only the most perfect, beautiful stones are chosen to place on a crown. Those jewels must be perfect and shine brightly. Continue deepening your relationship with your Savior. You will continue to become even more beautiful and shine brightly for Him.
A crown is also worn on the head, which makes it more special. Our head is considered the part of the body that controls everything. We also usually don't wear valuable things on the bottom of our feet. We wear durable, hard, non-valued materials on the bottoms of our shoes. I think you know why we do that. However, a crown is worn on the head. It is there for all to see. The crown holds the precious, valuable jewels. Think of yourself as the beautiful, precious jewel that adorns the crown worn by our precious Savior. He delights in you and wants others to see the value and worth He sees in you.


As I watch you grow and mature, you are becoming a woman after God's heart. Know that you are dearly loved. You are adored. You are precious and have great value. With amazing gifts and a genuine love for others, you enrich the lives of people every day. I pray that God will continue to reveal Himself to you in ways you never imagined possible. May His grace pour down onto your life.

Randall & Kristi,
You have influenced my life in ways I will never be able to put into words. I count it an honor to know your family. I often tell people that when I "grow up" I want to be parents like you guys. With three beautiful children who love God, you exhibit what it is to parent with grace and love. May God continue to bless you and may He guide you down a path full of His grace and blessings.


With gratitude for all you do and stand for,
Tracey

My heart hurts, but there is peace

In November 2010, my diagnosis of cancer came. It seems that since then, everything in my life is connected to that somehow. Every thought. Every event. Every doctor's appointment. Every decision. Everything. It doesn't run my life, just understand that it is now a part of our life. It will never go away. Cancer is something you have to experience. Until you experience it....and I pray you never do....you won't understand. And I know that you are probably perfectly fine with not understanding. I don't blame you. There are many things I do not want to understand. There are many tragic events in the lives of others that can only be understood after an experience. Thank you. I'm fine to live without that experience. Anybody out there with me?

Sara.   Savor.     Sweet.    Still.    Soothing.
Sara was soothing in some of my most anxious moments
Sara taught me the importance of savoring each day.
Sara's had a sweeter spirit than most of us will only dream of.
Sara would dare to sit still and just wait for God.
Sara.


I didn't know what I was getting into when introduced to this stranger through a Caring Bridge blog. One of my sister's childhood friends told me about Sara. Her story had some similarities to mine. When I read the first entry to her blog, I had no idea of the bond that would form. That bond is the reason my heart feels as if there is a hole. Several hours ago, Sara left this world to be with Jesus. Part of me is so peaceful to know this. Another part of me feels torn, shattered, broken. It's as if a war is raging within me. I am 100% convinced that life beyond here with Jesus must be more incredible than I can imagine. His glory, His righteousness, His perfection. There is nothing better. No other reward can surpass living eternally with the Creator of Life. He's not just the Creator of Life, but also the Sustainer of Life. So, why the feeling of brokenness? Why do I feel my heart has been torn to shreds?

A couple of weeks ago, I thought that when Sara's time came to leave this Earth, I would be okay with it. Not happy....just not devestated. After all, the hardest part was knowing the physical pain and terror she was experiencing. A few days ago, I convinced myself that God was going to heal her. What better way for Him to receive glory than to heal a woman who had experienced just about any weapon the cancer world had to defeat this dreaded disease? That's the way my eyes saw it, anyway. I don't know God's plan, but I tried to convince myself that Sara's physical healing was the way it was all going to happen. Why do I continually keep trying to humanize God? Why don't I learn? I really wasn't trying to be stubborn this time. The thought of a precious, Godly man having to say goodbye to his young wife.....grieves my heart. The thought of two amazing little boys hearing that their mom won't be here to tie their shoes, pack their lunch, kiss them goodnight - it's almost more than I can bear.
I thought I would be okay when she was better. I was wrong.
I'm not okay. Eventually I will be.

I'm better because of her.
God used her to show me how to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter.
She taught me how to savor each day.

Peace comes from knowing that Sara is a daughter of the King. She now is in His care.
Heartache comes from knowing the pain that a child feels at the loss of a mom. I walked through that. Maybe that's why I hurt so badly for these little guys. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of mom Sara was. Savoring. Sitting still and listening for God. A sweet spirit.

Thank you Sara. You shared with me. You taught me. I am forever grateful.

Don't ever say....

First of all, know that this post is not intended with a negative attitude. The past 18 months have taught me to laugh about a lot of things. Yes, some of these things have actually been said to me, many of them on more than one occasion. It's either laugh or cry, and I try to choose laughter.

Things you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever say to a cancer patient or survivor:

1. Chemo is not near as bad now as it used to be.
Reason: It is still horrible. Yes, some chemo treatments ARE easier than they used to be. However, many of the treatments are quite horrible. The ER visits from the effects of chemo are not a planned adventure in search of fun. The local ER with the local oncologist is not my idea of a dream vacation.

2. Phenergan is a narcotic and highly addictive. You might want to think about that.
Reason: The phenergan in my body is keeping the saltine crackers in my system from ending up on your shoes. Yes, someone actually said that to me. I think they need to research their drugs before sharing inaccurate information with the general public.

3. You had a year off work. You must be so relieved.
Response: Hmmmm. I don't think being in a chemo clinic counts as vacation, at least not in my book.

4. You might want to be careful and not take too many different medications. I hear that stuff can cause a lot of problems such as addiction.
Response: You might need some of these medications to help with the bodily injury you are about to experience.

5. When referring to effects of my surgery:  I know exactly how you feel. I had my tonsils out when I was 13 and it was terrible. The ice cream they gave me was really horrible.
Response: Yes. Your tonsil surgery is on the same level as a 15 cm tumor in my COLON!


I just have to wonder about some people.


This has been an eventful week in our household. All 3 boys received awards this week at school. Andrew finished up his soccer season. Sadly, Coach Mike was not there. That effected the entire team. However, they played a well coached and well disciplined team. I was extremely impressed with the other team. The players were quite talented.
We are getting ready to close out this school year, and I must say that i am more than ready. I'm anxious to spend some quality time with my kiddos. I just hope they can hold off on the fighting. I'm not holding my breath on that one. ;)

I should not read facebook.

Considering how opinionated I am, considering I know that I am opinionated, considering that ridiculous junk tends to tick me off, would lead someone to believe that I would not read stupid posts on facebook. WRONG! Usually, people try to stay away from things that increase their blood pressure to unsafe levels. Not me, why no, I just jump right into stuff like that. Not smart, you say? Yeah. I know. It's one of those many shortcomings that I'm working on.
The first is when individuals post all this junk about judging others and how it so very wrong and how it offends them and how the ones who judge will be judged themselves and on and on and on. I do agree that we should not wake up each morning in an attempt to toss out harsh judgements on others. I also think that most of these posts don't come from someone being judged unfairly. From what I've observed, these comments are usually random and targeted at some individual or group, it's just that none of us can figure out who the statement is targeting. For example, I responded to a post that contained quite a bit of profanity. I simply stated that I didn't think it was worth including all of the language. My point was, a story can be just as funny without the profanity. I'm not a saint. I'm not claiming to be. I just think that the language was uncalled for. (I also thought that coming from someone who claims to be a Christian, this language was completely inappropriate and a poor witness.) My statement was met with quite a bit of hostility, then I was confronted with a statement about judging others. I wasn't judging, just stating an opinion. So...let the drama begin. The list of complaints about me began. I once said that living with someone to whom you're not married (not just a roommate, you see where I'm going) is wrong. Yes, I did say that. Not judging. It's wrong. I believe the Bible is our guide to how life should be lived. In that book, it says that this is wrong. Judging and stating right from wrong are two TOTALLY different things. Some people are quick to throw up the fact that they should not be "judged" when they are not being judged necessarily. Many times, it boils down to the fact that someone has pointed out something that is not right in that individual's life. Now, there is a proper way to do this. It is intended to be done out of love, with compassion. So, all that to say this. Judging someone and vocally expressing belief in what is right are not the same things. I have come to believe that people who want to cry, "Quit judging me!" are usually the ones who just don't want to admit they are engaging in some behavior that is not in line with what it should be. Maybe I'm just tired of reading the "woe is me" and "look how hard I have it" posts. Maybe those who post statements about judging then follow it with, "I know some people who should think about this," should take their own advice and stop judging the people they claim are judging everyone else.
On the other hand, maybe I should read facebook. This is what I can get out of it:
I learn what all my kids will do as teenagers, so I can prepare myself with strategies to handle them.
I learn that my husband ROCKS.
I learn that some people only communicate with their spouse through facebook and that is annoying, so I don't use it that way.
I see what awesome friends I have.
I get see pictures of my niece in Arkansas.
I am entertained by stories of Parker and Reese.
I read things then call my cousin to talk about how funny they are because we don't text about everything that happens to us.
I DISCOVERED PINTEREST! and became addicted.
I have lots of e-friends.
I get to laugh at the fact when people post every event of their day and think that the world cares. (To one of my bestest friends --- girl, you KNOW I'm talking about you =0)
I get to keep a watch on my Weaver kiddos and make sure some of them are behaving.
I have something to keep me busy when I can't sleep and am tired of focusing on lesson plans.

Hmmmmm, I think I kind of like my life.
Much love - have a shamrockin' good weekend!
T

Why not me?

Sometimes we ask the question, "Why me?" I know that I've probably allowed this question to linger in my mind much more than I am willing to admit. Sometimes we ask the question, "Why not me?" -- mostly when we something good happen to someone else. Again, this has happened more than I would like to admit.
Lately, I've asked this question. However, it is not because I'm witnessing something good happen in the life of someone else. Some of you know that I keep up with Sara Walker. Sara was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer (metastic in her liver) at the age of 33. She has endured chemo in all of its fury, but the cancer is not responding.
Sara seems to be running out of options. There are a couple of other things the doctors can try. Some of these are still in the "trial" phase. I know we serve a God of miracles. He is just as capable today as He was at the beginning of time. However, He doesn't always choose to heal in the time and manner that the human brain views as the best option.
When I think of Sara, which is often, I can't help but wonder -- why not me...
I guess you might think I'm crazy. I guess that after my miracle I should just be dancing in the street with overwhelming joy. I am thankful, but some days, my heart is just stricken with guilt. I could have easily been in Sara's shoes. (That is another miracle -- the fact that cancer had not set up all over my body.)As I read her updates, as she factors in death, I feel as if my heart is being ripped into pieces. Sara has by no means given up. She will fight as long as she is allowed to fight. God could step in and heal her earthly body, but even Sara admits that earthly healing might not be part of His plan.
Coming to a realization that death is a possiblity after you are diagnosed with cancer, realizing that you could (very soon) leave behind an amazing husband and precious little guys, that is heart breaking. Actually having to walk down that road...another story. I know that in heaven, I wouldn't be worried about earthly things. I would not want to come back for anyone. However, in this flesh I am subject to the pain and emotional part of life. Knowing that Sara thinks of these things, well, it's like having a knife rip through my chest.
I've been told that losing a child is one of the worst emotional pains one can experience. I don't know, and honestly, I hope I never know. However, I do know that losing a parent when you are young is a truly horrific experience. I don't know how it compares to losing others in your life, but I am here to tell you that it is horribly painful. I guess that's what I hate most about this whole situation...cancer is taking away the ability of a loving mother to do all the things she wants to for her children. The fact that two precious little guys are watching their mom suffer through some horrible circumstances. Now, they are witnessing an amazing woman show them how to handle tough times with grace that can only be provided by our heavenly Father.
 I hate to think that any child or teenager would have to bid an earthly goodbye to a parent. Not that losing a parent is easy at any point, but being a typical girl, there was always that gaping hole. I had a wonderful family that attempted to fill in every gap possible. However, when picking out a wedding dress, holding your child for the first time..those are all moments that you long for YOUR mom to be there. For years, Mother's Day wreaked havoc within my heart. I completely hated the entire month of May. Hearing of others participating in activities with their mom, was plain hard sometimes. I didn't dislike people for this, I just always wished that my mom was still around to do those things. In my head, I knew she was perfectly content walking the streets of gold. Knowing this in my heart took much longer -- lots of pain during that time, also. There are still days that I long for my mom. One day, we'll sit and chat again, that is if I ever get over being in the presence of my Jesus (and I'm hoping I never get over that.)
For Sara, her husband and her boys, I pray for God's healing hand to touch her body and rid it of any cancer cells. I pray that if this is not God's plan, He will hold their hearts close and provide the love and comfort that only He can provide.
If you know a mom or dad with young children, and they are battling cancer, break out the medal of honor my friend. I've met several on this journey, each are much braver than me, and fight a battle much harder than mine. These are true warriors.
To those kiddos who've lost a parent, hang on. The sun does shine again. I'm living proof of that.

I'm thankful and honored that God saw fit to leave me here. We all know I need a whole lot more work before I spend eternity in the presence of the Almighty One. I'm blessed to have witnessed a brave mom who fought with such courage. I'm eternally grateful to have witnessed some of the bravest warriors who happen to be the youngest ones - those who battle childhood cancer. There are no words to express my feelings for the 4 guys that put up with me every day. Most importantly, my Savior who saved me and keeps loving me no matter how badly I mess up.

Please pray for sweet Sara. Also, Zach Howard and Freida Oliver. Bayleigh Phillips has more courage in her little finger than I will ever have in my entire body, pray that God will continue to provide her with good days.

Much love and thank you for reading,
T

I hate cancer.

Yep. I hate cancer. In fact, if there was an "I hate cancer" club, I would sooooo be the president. Eleven months ago, we heard those words that nobody wants to hear. Stephen was very awake when he heard those words. However, I was in a drug-induced fog. I remember trying to bring myself into an alert mode, but failing miserably for several hours. God has truly performed many miracles in the past months. With those miracles, have come some very hard lessons.
Frequently, my children are forced to listen to two of my favorite songs. Songs that probably wouldn't be on my iPod if we had not traveled along the cancer road. Martina McBride singing "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" and Rascal Flatts singing "I Won't Let Go" are my go-to songs when I'm thinking about my cancer friends.
Now, disclaimer here, there was a lot of good that came from this experience. God can bring good out of anything.
One of the blessings of my journey was that God helped me focus on the positive moments of each day. There were many times that I didn't realize exactly how sick I really was. Over the past couple of months, I've spent a lot of time reflecting. Reflecting has reminded me of God's faithfulness and blessings. It also reminds me of how ugly cancer is.
Cancer is just that. Ugly. There's nothing pretty or pleasant about it. Here are just a few of the things I learned.
One of the lessons I've learned as a cancer patient/survivor, is that from the second they utter that dreaded phrase, "You have cancer," there is no going back. You are no longer the same. A series of events unfolds that will change you forever. Some change is good. Some change is bad. Some change is just...change, neither good or bad. People pray for cancer patients. Family and friends show support and express encouragement. However, I feel different and sometimes struggle to see where I "fit." My thinking is different and often doesn't match up with anyone around me. I struggle to find someone who understands and often am moved to tears when I read a caring bridge entry or e-mail authored by a fellow cancer warrior. The tears don't come necessarily because of grief or sadness, but from a sense of relief. It is comforting that somebody else is out there having the same thoughts and feelings I've had. At least if I'm crazy, then I have company.
Guilt. There is guilt that comes from surviving. Oh, I am so grateful to have each day as a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt...but some very dark moments come. Those moments flood my soul with guilt as I think of the others who fought so much more bravely than me, yet cancer stole their life. Those precious young husbands with young children who lost their courageous wife. I know God has a plan. His plan is perfect. My belief in that does not stop the attacks from satan. This is just one attack that he knows will get to me. The children that I came to know and love along this journey. Watching as they fight and the very life slips from their earthly body...I guess that's been one of the hardest things. I'm a grown up. I expect to battle sickness and tragedy. Kids just shouldn't. Again, I know His plan is perfect. This is just what happens in my head. It's a roller coaster of emotions that I didn't experience in my pre-cancer life.
Missing those cancer friendships. I don't miss chemo. I don't miss radiation. I do miss being around those people who know what it's like. I miss the nurses and other medical staff who cared for me. The only thing I can figure it's close to is when a soldier returns from combat and has no one around who can understand what he went through. I'm sure my journey is nowhere close to combat, but it is comforting to be near those who know what it's like. The other patients, the nurses - they just.....know. 
I have a need for constant reassurance. I almost want to see the doctor each week and have bloodwork done, just to hear that I'm still clear. Although the odds look pretty good for me, they are still just that - odds. Nothing is for sure when it comes to cancer. No guarantees. I mean, good grief, colon cancer at the age of 34, with no family history, no genetic markers?!?! That doesn't happen often. I'm already in the 1% of cancer patients. I don't sit and worry about it all the time, but the possibility does hang out in the back of my mind.

Even though I am glad the chemo and radiation treatments are behind me, I still miss those individuals who were on the battlefield with me. The nurses, doctors, and other patients provided encouragement, support, and many times the entertainment I needed to make it through.

October is breast cancer awareness month. It's highly likely that you know and love someone who has been touched by this. Please continue to remember a special lady who is beginning her radiation treatments in a few days. If you know a survivor, wear pink for her!
I must include my prayer requests.
Sara Walker received a report from her CT scan. The chemo did not even hold the cancer stable this time. They will be trying a new treatment that is not chemo, but will hopefully stop the cancer growth. Please pray for Sara, her husband and two boys. They are such a precious family with a mighty God.

Zach Howard has had some rough days. Please continue to remember him along with his precious family  (mom, dad and sweet Kelsie.)
Please pray the Spradley and Steltenpohl families will experience the healing and comfort that only our sweet Jesus can provide.

Thank you for reading.
Much love,
T

I can only imagine...

As I sit and contemplate the meaning of next Sunday, I am speechless. Yes, I know. For me to be speechless is a significant event. Almost 10 years ago, our country was attacked. An attack launched by a bunch of cowards. I'll never forget that day. This week, somehow, I will attempt to convey a message to my 5th graders. A message that celebrates the heroic efforts that began on that day.
Even though there was some good, some positive that rose from the smoke and debris that day, it still feels as if a knife is tearing through my heart when I think of all the hurt caused from such a vicious act.
At times like this, I wish that I could escape to my heavenly home and sit at the feet of my Jesus. Just to be able to see things as He sees them. To live in His presence, abide where there is no night. I long for that day that each tear will be wiped away and sorrow will not be allowed to enter His kingdom.
I wonder if my granddaddy is up there trading some stories from his war days, some that he probably never shared with any of us due to the pain it would have brought to his heart recalling such wretched events. Maybe, just maybe he's been able to wrap his arms (now healthy and perfect, no longer feeble) around some public servant that responded to the call on 9/11 and give them a, "Good job, son. You made us all proud."

Please pray for my precious Zach Howard and his family as they battle each day. Also, Rebecca Richmond, Bayleigh Phillips, and the family of Lindsay Steltenpohl as they continue to heal. We serve a mighty God who sees things we can't imagine. He has a plan and it is perfect. He will execute His perfect plan in HIS perfect time.

What I'm thankful for today:
-being married to the most patient man on the planet
-God giving me the chance to be the mother of three precious boys
-living in a country that is home to so many heroes that put their life on the line each day, both here and overseas in combat zones
-the opportunity to work with my 5th grade kiddos
-the rain
-watching 3 little boys sleep in their beds, one more day when they are all healthy


Much love from a witness of one of  God's great miracles,
T

Father's Day

It seems that most of the news you hear about dads is negative. So, with that in mind, I thought I would share about the dads in my life.

My childhood...pretty good I'd have to say. My dad did all of those things a good dad should do. I always knew that he loved me. He played in the yard with us, took time to listen, plus so many other things. The difference is that my dad had to take on many extra responsibilities. See, my mom was sick most of the time my sister and I were growing up. I remember lots of hospital visits, extended stays at hospitals, visits to a specialist in Atlanta and so on. When many men would have hit the road, my dad stuck around. He showed me what it means when you pledge that for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I do believe one of the most important lessons he taught me through his actions was how a man should treat his wife and children. Now, this was never a major lecture that he sat down and gave me. No. This was one of those things I learned as I watched him through the years. I wish that every young girl could witness a loving and devoted father like I did. I wish that each young girl could learn from her daddy that she is valuable and has worth, that she is adored. In my 12 years as a teacher, I have seen young girls that long for their father to show them these things. They long to know that Daddy loves them no matter what. My dad put his life on hold to see that my sister and I were taken care of. He cleaned, ironed clothes, many things that lots of dads don't have to do. I don't know that I'll ever be able to express my gratitude. Through the past 7 months, he has been there every time we needed him. No matter what time of day it is, he's there to drive me to treatment, watch the boys, go to the ER for various reasons. Once again, he has put his life on hold to make sure my needs are met. Dad, I love you and thank God for everything you've meant to me.

Uncle Junior. What can you say? The man can fix anything. More importantly, he's always treated me just like I was his. My cousins are more like siblings to me than actual cousins. When my mom was sick, my uncle and aunt let us stay at their house twice a week. This surely provided them with extra stress and burdens I'm sure. They never let anyone know that though. Uncle Junior always reminded me that "the law's out" when I started driving. He always makes sure there is enough air in each tire, oil changes are up to date, and reminds you NEVER to have less than 1/2 tank of gas. If I'm ever traveling, I know I can count on him to monitor the weather channel and update me on any information that might affect me. He taught me the value of hard work, and he is the true picture of servant spirit.

My granddaddy is one of the most interesting people I know. Many of my favorite memories from my childhood involve him. Granddaddy would always have Coke. Coca-Cola classic in the glass bottles. How many of you remember those? After he had worked in the yard or the garden, he would sit on the back porch and drink a coke along with my cousins, my sister and me.
As a kid, I was anxious when summer came. I was READY for watermelons. Not only to eat them...but to sell them. Granddaddy would go to my great uncle's place and load his yellow truck with watermelons. He'd park the truck in the driveway, and then we'd put up a sign reading Watermelons for Sale. After what seemed like an eternity, (it was probably only 30-45 minutes) we would begin begging to lower the price thinking that it would increase our sales. I still remember the box we used to store the money. He reminded us to keep it close and always watch it when people were around.
No matter what, I always knew that he loved me. Several years ago, he had a picture that was taken when he was in the service. He gave it to me and informed me, "Nobody wants that old thing. I'm just gonna' throw it away." I tod him that any of us would love to have it, I was just the lucky one to be there that day. Whenever Veteran's Day comes around, I always think about him. Whenever I see an American flag, I think about what he did to preserve the freedoms outlined in our Constitution. I'm proud of him and glad he is MY granddaddy.

I couldn't talk about the dads in my life without mentioning Stephen. I very much don't deserve him. I've always known that, but the past 7 months have made me even more grateful than ever to be married to him. While some kids have to crouch in a corner not knowing what Daddy might do when he comes home, my boys watch the clock ALL day to count the minutes until their daddy arrives home. They each have a "post" so that they can see his truck coming and then track him through the neighborhood until he walks in the door. James Dobson says this is a good thing. I think it is too. When Stephen walks in the door, the boys are fighting for his attention. Each one wants to be the first to tell him the events of their day. If only I could get them that excited about household chores. He was an amazing dad before November 11, 2010. Since then, he shot way past amazing to a status that is indescribable. Not only has he continued the duties of a dad, but he has picked up most of the things I usually took care of. No matter how exhausted he is, he completes household chores such as laundry, packing lunches, cleaning dishes, etc. I'm not sure how much sleep he's had since November, but I can promise you it's not much. There is nothing better than to hear him encouraging Andrew as he's learning scripture, reading Aaron the story of Jonah, or teaching John Curtis how to pray. As far as I'm concerned, my boys have the best daddy that 3 little boys could have.

So, there you go. To the dads in my life, I love you. Happy Father's Day!

'Tis the Night Before Relay

Alright, if you aren't familiar with Hebrews 12:1-2, then you need to read it.

My relay team is centered around the theme of endurance, which we was inspired by these verses.

My personality:
high maintenance
emotional
charismatic
opinionated
etc.
etc.
etc.

So, to say that I'm pumped about relay is not a surprise to many. I get excited about a lot. A pair of bright pink heels that match my dress, peanut butter cookies, college basketball, comfy pillows... So what? Tracey's excited about something else. Big deal. Yep. It is a BIG DEAL. Not just big, but H - U - G - E!
Tomorrow, as the sun rises on those soccer fields, activity will be pretty much along the level of ...none. As the sun rises in the sky, so will the level of activity. A few tents dot the landscape this evening, but tomorrow the army will march in and establish their territory. Tents will be staked. Banners and signs displayed. This is our way of marking our territory in the battle against cancer. You will notice signs for the various teams. We have raised money, collected donations, washed cars, worked concession stands...you name it. It's been done, all in the name of Relay for Life. Hundreds will gather for a time of fellowship and fun. A time to celebrate those victorious in the battle against cancer. A time to remember those who fought an amazing fight, those who fought until they inhaled that last breath on this planet. A time to fight back and let cancer know we are ready for a world with more birthdays.
I wonder what it will feel like to be at my campsite surrounded by those who love me and support me every moment of every day with their selfless contributions to my life. I wonder what it will be like as I walk that survivor's lap with a group of people who are probably much braver and stronger than I'll ever be. I wonder how heavy my heart will be as I tie an orange ribbon around Cassie's torch. A mix of emotions flood my soul as I ponder my walk through the garden of luminaria. I know what I think it will feel like, but I also know the actual event will overwhelm my spirit.
Here it is. 'Tis the night before relay. Already, my heart races at thoughts of the survivor's lap, then pain rips through my heart as I think of those that I wish were still here to walk with me. Truth is, where are they now. Well Cassie is walking around something much better than a survivor's lap...streets of gold, getting to chat with people like Paul, Esther, Moses, and Abraham. Elizabeth Russ, I just can't help but imagine a conversation between her Ruth, and Naomi. So, as my heavy heart misses these precious ones, I know they are experiencing the ultimate victory. Life with our precious Savior.
Well, I'm ready for my lap. Reminding myself that each step is not in vain. Each step that is taken is a resounding "We're not finished yet." Cancer, get ready. You may have broken our hearts. You may made life difficult for a season. But, you haven't seen the last of us. We are ready to run this race, fight this battle.
As you approach the actual relay site, there's nothing particularly special about the site. The special part is what's happening there. A spirit of determination. Perseverance. Hope. As the sun sets, the night grows dark and long...know this - the sun will rise again. What a sweet feeling as those first few beams hit your face after the long dark night. A sense of joy, perhaps? Just when you think you are too tired. When the night seems too dark, you can't see the end. Know this...JOY will come in the morning. You are not just relaying. You are enduring, persevering...showing your loved one that you are aware of the rough road a cancer patient faces. You are showing the caregivers that you are behind them and support them as they sacrifice so many things to care for that precious one they love. As a survivor, your presence there, speaks volumes. Each step you take shows me that you are IN the battle with me. I must say, I have the best set of warriors by my side! Wouldn't choose any different if I could! I love you, thank God for you, and am THE most blessed individual on the planet.

Much love,
Tracey

Encouraging Friday

Well, I was down for the count today...chemo side effects. However, my heart has never been so encouraged as it was today. Good gracious, Alabamians have gone far beyond the call of duty to help their neighbors. I am proud to say that I think we some of the best government officials in the country. As I watch not only Walt Maddox, but other officials, they are handling each situation and circumstance with care and compassion. How God has blessed our state!
As I listened to the radio, each station seemed overwhelmed with requests. Now, these weren't requests from people seeking help...these were requests from people desiring to help others. Churches, schools, groups, individuals - all seeking to meet so many of the needs. I know many in this country look down upon Southerners, many scratching their heads as to why one would want to live here. Well, this is why. God is using His people to meet the needs of others. I am just so excited to see what He will do in upcoming weeks and months.
Now, I do have to give credit where credit is due. Many of you know that I disagree with most of what our current President stands for. However, watching footage of him in Alabama, I was so grateful to see the compassion in the eyes of President Obama and the First Lady. What's even more exciting is that they got to witness true southern hospitality as citizens helped each other begin the arduous task of rebuilding lives after this disaster.
I do have to say, not only am I proud to be a Southerner, but I am proud to be from Alabama.

Intelligence insulted

I don't know quite how to express what all is inside of me. To begin with, I am a very blessed woman. Not only did my family make it through the storms without even a scratch, we have no material loss.
As the storm neared our county, I began to choose some of the few pictures and other personal items that I wanted to keep with us in our "safe place." The number of these items was fewer than 10. One was the painting Susan Meyer completed at the request of my husband. This was my Christmas gift from him just 4 months ago. The painting contains Habakkuk 3:18-19 and is contained in a frame built by my father. This item -- worth more in my eyes than any Monet or Picasso piece on the planet. A couple of family pictures and pottery containing the boys' handprints. I had watched the storm as it traveled through Mississippi and Tuscaloosa. I knew that this was something beyond what I could ever imagine. We lost power and in the basement, I attempted to entertain 3 energetic boys with a game of Yahtzee. Stephen monitored the weather more closely than I have ever seen him. He is not one to panic and usually pays no attention to the weather. This is proven by the numerous times he has traveled during the day from one store to another oblivious to the tornado warnings that project major storms along his expected route. Knowing he was on the watch, I drifted off to sleep, thinking about how grateful I was for our basement and the safety it provided for my 3 precious little ones.
Then, I awoke on Thursday morning. As I began to attempt to grasp what had happened, I chose to listen to a press conference including our governor. Might I say, he did a magnificent job handling some of the most insensitive questions posed by some of the press. After a lengthy explanation by some official, I'm guessing they must be affiliated with EMA, all who were listening SHOULD have been aware of the devestation that is covering our state. The particular official did a magnificent job, with great care and sensitivity to let people know what had happened over the previous 24 hours. Then the time came for questions via phone from members of the press. My blood pressure probably increased to stroke level upon hearing these questions. One individual was from the Washington Post, and I hope I never meet him. He implied that maybe the loss of life was due to the ignorance of citizens or the inadequacy of the officials, meterologists, telvision stations, etc. Sir, might I say...just as you would not blame a hurricane on citizens along a coastal region, just as you would not blame an earthquake on the residents along a major fault line, you must be careful here. The loss of life and property is not for lack of intelligence or preparedness. I think James Spann said it well yesterday as he watched the tornado approach Tuscaloosa. He commented that all you can do is "pray for those people." One of the best and most intelligent men in weather forecasting admitted that there was nothing that could be done. Yes, you can go to your safe place. Yes, you can practice all you know about severe weather preparedness. However, when it comes to something of this magnitude, there is not a whole lot humans can do. If I could speak with this individual I would like for him to experience a little of our Southern culture. In some regions of the world, children by the age of 5 can explain to you what would need to be done in the event of an earthquake. In the deep south, our children by the age of 5 can probably tell you exactly how to prepare in the event of a severe storm or tornado threat. My friends from outside the southeast, it is not that we did not know nor did we ignore the warnings. Ignorance is not the reason for this. This was a natural disaster. Only the Creator of this universe could have stopped this. Please have a little more sensitivity. People are frantically searching for loved ones. Some are sifting through the splintered remains to salvage what little they can. You see, Mr. Reporter, as you sleep comfortably in your bed tonight, I sleep comfortably at my dad's house. You see I have no water right now. However, there are others who are experiencing grief and devestation unlike your or I have never experienced. So, to answer your question. No. We didn't ignore things, we were not unprepared, we are not dumb and stupid as you might like to think. We ARE heartbroken, devestated, but Alabamians will rally together to help our neighbors in need.
Now, I have that out of the way. Questions are swirling around in my head. There are so many thoughts jumping around that I feel as if my brain will just explode at any time.
Why me? Why is my family safe? Why did I not suffer material loss? The only answer I can find is that God did not see fit for my family to walk through that trial at this time. I do know that my heart is breaking for those, most of whom I've never met, that have suffered great tragedy and heartache in the past 48 hours. I pray that God will pour out His mercy and send His people - including me- to where they are needed.
Entire cities have been leveled. Watching footage of the destruction amazes me. The news crew just equated what happened yesterday to having 2 hurricanes ravage our state in a short amount of time. Don't know about you, but that just makes my bones shiver just a bit. I saw several posts on facebook that encouraged people to just be safe and not worry. Yes, God does tell us not to fear, but I couldn't help but feel a knot in the pit of my stomach as I watched the tornado move through Tuscaloosa and on toward Birmingham. It just grieved my heart to know that some people were in that path, in the safest place they could find, but it would still not be enough. When dealing with an F-5 tornado, 1 mile wide tracking 200+ miles....there's not much we as humans can do. Yes, I tried not to worry, but I think God does burden our hearts for certain things. I think some people might have hit a panic state that was not healthy, but I do believe that many were burdened for those that would be left to pick up pieces and travel along a road that could be rough and lonely to reach emotional healing after this.
What can I take from this?
I teach Science and that makes me take a special interest in natural disasters. Over the past 10 years, I pay extra attention to disasters around the world. From flooding in Nashville, to earthquakes in Haiti, I never fail to get totally and completely wrapped up in these situations. God has a reason for everything. I don't know His reason for the Haiti earthquake, the flooding in Nashville, Hurricane Katrina, or the tornadic activity in Alabama. I do know this...He was God before all of these things and He is still on His throne throughout these events.
I've heard people say that maybe Haitians deserved the earthquake. The argument behind that for some people is due to the amount of witchcraft and other practices directly opposed to God's word. I'm not quite sure if this is the truth. I may never know. I do know one thing. God does love the people of Haiti. He has a plan and has never lost control of this situation.
After Hurricane Katrina, many people were blamed for the disastrous results and the loss of life. Again, I don't know God's purpose with this. Tragic, heartbreaking, devestating. Yet, He was in control the entire time and still is in control.
April 27, 2011....my birthday. Yet, I won't remember it as a birthday. I will remember it as a time that our state was hit with one of the worst tornado outbreaks in history. What is the reason? Yet, one more time I'm without an answer. Who is in control? I have an answer for that. God. The same God who was in control the day before, on April 26th, is still in control on April 28th as citizens sift through to salvage belongings and begin healing. We will not always know God's purpose, but we can always know that He will restore His people. I can't help but think that His heart must ache for the church to rise and show His love. I have seen that today. People searching for places to help. Strangers arriving in communities just because they want to donate their time or resources.
I was listening to Travis Cottrell singing "My Inheritance" this evening.
I will shout, I will sing, Jesus You're my everything.
I am rich, I am blessed...
In Psalm, the Father tells us, "be still and know that I am God."  Still is not easy for me. I'm waiting. I know He has something for me to do over the next few days. I know that if I jump ahead of Him, I'll mess it up. If I wait for His leadership, I will be allowed to bless someone else. I'll be able to show His love.
I am rich, I am blessed....not because I retained my material posessions, but because I am a daughter of the King. Not force of nature can ever take that from me.
The most encouraging thing I heard today occurred while I was listening to our local radio station that is an affiliate of Moody broadcasting 90.7, WGRW Grace radio. At 7:30, I heard Jon Holder express his thoughts on the events and hear his heart that seemed to pour out a message of grace and hope straight from the Father. Then, later in the afternoon, I had the opportunity to listen to an individual from Moody broadcasting outside of the south. He was speaking with a gentleman from Alabama affiliated with MBN stations here in our state. The concern from the Christian community was so sincere. You could hear the sincerity in their voice. Repeatedly asking, "How can we pray specifically for those involved in this tragedy?" Begging to know how they could help. I couldn't help but reflect back on the individual from the Washington Post. The secular media compared to this precious man of God. Insults and attempts to blame individuals from one media source. Prayer, concern, and compassion from another media source. Once again, I am thanking God for His children who are in tune with His heart as they minister to others. May I remember this attitude and where my heart needs to be.

And here we are

So. Here we are. Less than 48 hours until surgery. I'm sitting at the hospital with one of my precious boys and my precious husband. IV hooked up to a 4 year old is not the idea I had for this week. This is just one of those times that I'm learning my ways are not His ways and His ways are MUCH, MUCH higher than my ways. It's a good thing I wasn't in charge of creating the universe. I'm a bundle of nerves just trying to take care of my kiddos and undergo surgery. Imagine what a mess I would have made if He had put me in charge of everything.
For those of you who are wondering what is going on inside my head, well here it is.
Here I am. Weary, weak, worn and a bundle of nerves. It seems that if the devil can attack me, he has tried every way possible. I feel as if the very life is draining out of me. Exhaustion has not only taken over my physical being, but my emotional and mental state as well. Guilt weighs on my heart with every decision I make. If I stay with my sick little one, I feel as though I'm ignoring my other boys. If I go home with my other boys, then I'm whimping out on being a mom and enduring the sleepless nights beside the hospital bed. Not everything is in order for my boys to be in someone else's care. I don't have clothes packed for them. I've not bought groceries and snacks. My first-born that aims to please everyone has no lunchables for next week. Ugghh!
My insides feel as if they are shaking and my nerves are raw. Each tick of the clock seems to last an eternity. This experience is never going to end.
Oh, wait. A glimmer of hope....Blue eyes now seem to have a faint trace of the sparkle that faded 72 hours ago. That sweet voice seems to have a little more strength. There is hope. This just might get better. But, then again, reality. Harsh corridors, an IV pump that seems to scream when each 3 hour session nears an end. My heart races, nerves are rattled, panic has pierced my heart like a two-edged sword. Fear and anxiety rip through my soul.
Well, there it is. I'm wavering. I stepped out of the boat with a huge faith. The storms and wind around me seemed frail in comparison to the Savior in front of me. Walking on the water...then, WHAM! Waves with remarkable force slam into me. Winds howl, mocking me. Mocking my faith. The sinking begins. I can't regain focus. Life as I know it has caved in around me. Soon, I'll be buried beneath the sea. Another victim whose faith couldn't weather the storm.
That's where I am tonight. However, I only have one viable option. Falling on my face, before the THRONE OF GRACE. Only my Father can carry me through. Only He can save my soul from giving territory away to the adversary.
Psalm 27
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear
The LORD is my strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid.
2. When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
The stumbled and fell.
3 Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war mayrise against me
In this I will be confident.
4 One thing I have desired of the LORD;
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of mylife,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.
5 For in the time of trouble
He shall hid me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.


I still am having one of those moments. I actually think that the "moment" has been lasting for three days and could potentially go on for two more very long days.
I claim this scripture. I trust that He will hide me in my time of trouble.
Fear is bondage. Fear is torment. Fear is from the adversary.
None of these are from the Father. He is joy, hope, peace, faith. He is calm in the storm. He is faithful.

Verse 9 of this Psalm my prayer. I hold fast to this.
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been m help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me;
O God of my salvation.


Yes!! O God of MY salvation. Do not leave me. Do not forsake me. Do not hide Your face from me. My strength. My Redeemer. Hold me in the palm of Your righteous hand. I cry out to you O God! I need Your peace, Your strength, Your grace to flood over my soul.

CeCe Winans - Waging War

Well-diggers

I always get excited when my pastor preaches from the book of Psalms. Actually, I just get excited anytime he preaches not matter what it's on. Sunday, he preached about traveling through valleys. Psalm 84 was the text. In a conversation with him earlier during the week, he had mentioned this passage. I spent a good time thinking about it and how I should use it. So, Sunday, I was beside myself during his message.
Usually, one does not experience a sense of excitement when a pastor is talking about the valleys in life. However, I knew this was just what I needed. After all, I guess you could say that I'm in a valley right now. Cancer is not the most enjoyable of experiences, so in my book that constitutes it as qualifying for "valley" status. There's not a place on facebook for you to note your status as "on a mountaintop" or "deep in the valley"...because if there was, I think many of you would check the valley box just like me.
When someone asks me what my job is, providing an answer is not a problem at all. Wife, mom, maid, cook, chauffer, teacher, etc. I'm adding one thing to my list of professions....a well digger. You get that?? I've never physically dug a well, but I've been busy the past week trying to dig one in the sense that the author spoke of in Psalm 84.
Throughout this journey so far, I've been looking, listening, and praying to find out how God can use this. What can I leave behind that will help or encourage someone when they walk through this same valley? In Psalm 84, the author digs a well and God fills it with water. Now, won't that be nice for the person that follows behind him? That individual in a dark valley, maybe their soul is filled with grief, sorrow, or despair, stumbles upon this well filled with the refreshing blessings from our sovereign God. Not bitterness. Not anger. Not a cold heart. Just the opposite, a well of water that holds healing for the soul, peace for the heart, and strength for the weary body. So, I continue to dig my well, knowing that God will fill it with something refreshing for others. I'm trusting His hand will guide me down the path that is in His will. Praying that He will bless me with an opportunity to help others facing difficulty. So, the days might be long, maybe even dark. Occasionally, even in the valley, the sun does break through the clouds. No matter how long and dark, I'll keep digging. Digging that well, until God tells me it's time to move on. Maybe He'll take me to another place that's good for well digging. Maybe it will be a mountaintop. Only He knows. I do know that He will take me through this valley...this trouble will pass. I don't know what you are facing. It may be a spiritual battle that feels as it is ripping your heart into pieces. Yours may be a financial hardship, grief, sorrow, despair, the list could go on forever. I do know that our Savior is there with you. He has grace and comfort that no other can provide. He comforts us so that we may help comfort others. He leads us through the valley, we dig a well that helps nourish some dry, thristy soul in the dark night of their trial. He chooses to work through us. He could do it all by Himself, but what a blessing we would miss.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort;
who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so alos our comfort is abundant through Christ.

Letting go

Letting go. Sometimes, this is an enormous task. Sometimes, letting go is painful. As I think of the things I've had to "let go" during life, I relive some sorrow, grief, pain, and regret. Often, our lives take a turn down a path, and we must let go of relationships, jobs, or even a social status. Sometimes, we have to let go of people we love due to various circumstances. Other times, we let go of certain habits or lifestyles that are not in our best interest. When I look at myself, the hardest thing to release in any circumstance is control. When I was diagnosed just 2 months ago, I immediately proclaimed that my God is great, mighty, and faithful. I began the battle with cancer. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Three weeks into treatment, I met with my oncologists. He told me that we were "cruising right along." Bouncing out of the cancer center, I repeated those words - why they had a musical ring to them. "Cruising right along..." Sounds good doesn't it. We were right on track. Less than 12 hours later, things came to a screeching halt. I had a rough night, resulting in a late night call to Doc. The next day, treatments were postponed and I spent the week receiving fluids all day, each day in his office. I was pretty dehydrated and my blood pressure decided to hang out between 70/30 and 60/30. Doc didn't like this and was determined to get it higher. Low blood pressure is not unusual for me, but oncologists aren't very accepting of these numbers when it comes to sending their patients home. After this week, I figured that SURELY I would resume treatments the next. Not so fast. Friday night found us at the ER with a fever and infection. Sunday brought complete chaos. Stephen was sick. Two of the boys had the flu, one was recovering from croup/bronchitis/asthma stuff. I again had complications and was sent to the ER. This time, I was offered a 3 day, 2 night stay on the 7th floor of Gadsden Regional Medical Center. Yippee. Christmas was coming. My entire family was sick. My treatments were off schedule. I am in the hospital. What had happened? I was doing so well. I was fighting the cancer, and when I got tired  -- I let God take over. Yes, I was trying to fight, then letting God handle it when I got tired. He was my backup. That my friends is a problem. God doesn't play backup. He doesn't sit the bench until I'm played out. HE is the one who was capable of fighting this battle. I could do nothing. The two week hiatus provided me with lots of thinking time. God revealed to me that I had not let go of the control in this battle. I was still trying to play Commander in Chief of the cancer battle. He quietly reminded me of Gideon, Joseph, Esther, Jacob, Mary, and countless others from His Word. So many times He had proven Himself capable of fighting the battle. In the hospital bed, by myself, I handed over the control. I truly began to fall at His feet in complete surrender. Since then, He has not been my backup. He's the one and only. I'm His servant, doing what He calls me to do on a daily basis. It was then that I also began to honestly live on a day to day basis. Remembering that I cannot borrow from yesterday, it has already passed. Tomorrow is not promised to me. I only have today.
Things changed. I can't explain it all, I just haven't found the words. I knew He was capable all the time, I just had not let go of the control. Turns out, He was in control all of the time. My stubborn spirit had to learn not to attempt overthrowing Him. He is the Great Physician. Why in the world would I not let him have complete control from the beginning? Why would I try to handle more than one day at a time? Even He took creation one day at a time.
Each day, He has provided me with a new, refreshing peace that washes over my soul. Difficult moments have come, but none can take His peace away.
Each day, He has been in control of my treatments. Chemo and radiation are no good to me if He does not guide each drop of chemo and each radiation beam.
Each day, He has poured mercy and grace to cover my every need.
Each day, He has placed many of His faithful children in my path with encouraging words, meals, gifts of love that bless my heart.
Each day, He has held me in the palm of His hand.
Also....
Each day, the adversary has attempted to steal these things. For he always attempts steal and destroy what our Father is doing. With my Savior's help, I will strive to fight back against satan and his attacks. For, our God is faithful. He is victorious. He is the king of Kings. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess His name.
I have found myself complaining from time to time. Fact: I don't like pain, discomfort, or inconvenience. Well, this entire experience has been painful, full of discomfort, and just downright inconvenient. As I was listening to something - I can't remember what - Philippians 2:14-16 became a topic of discussion. It really hit home, reminding me that no matter what, my attitude should be full of praise and thankfulness toward God.

Philippians 2
v 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
v 14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing;
v 15 that you may prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,
v 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may have cause to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.

I don't know about you, but it humbles me to know that God choose to work in me. Pain, discomfort, inconvenience -- I guess it's worth it if God can use me. What an honor to be part of His plan.

Overwhelmed

The past few weeks of my life have been quite overwhelming. Now, in the past, I associated the overwhelmed feeling with mostly negative experiences in my life. However, for every negative that overwhelmed me this time, God has provided something positive that is equal to or even greater than the negative experience. Here are just a few of my experiences...
1. Doctor diagnoses me with cancerous tumor...before I am awake family and friends have arrived at the hospital in overwhelming numbers to pray and support Stephen and me.
2. Tough chemo and radiation are ordered...special friends that are really like family provide me with fuzzy, warm pajamas, fuzzy pink slippers, and fuzzy warm blankets to comfort and keep me warm.
3. Overwhelmed with fatigue...church family shows up and provides meals...each time, more than we needed.
4. Within one week, all 3 boys visit the doctor plus Stephen plus 2 hospital visits for me...God provides financial support through several of my WES family and other friends
5. Days before Christmas, I spend time in the hospital (not prepared for Christmas, b/c I procrastinate)..instead of stress, God provides me with an awesome nursing staff that is knowledgable, caring, and professional
I could go on for days. God has not only met each and every need. He has overwhelmed us with support and people who are waiting to meet our needs. That is just the kind of God He is. When this journey first began, I  knew that I would be relying on God as my Healer. I'm also learning how He is my provider. I always knew He would provide for my every need. After all, He met the most important one...my need for the Savior. My need for redemption, He provided. It seems each time something bad or tough has come along, God has met our need--sometimes even before we knew what the need was. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. Amazing is the only way to describe how God has placed people in my life who have helped me along this journey. It is simply indescribable.
At least once a day, I try to have each of my boys look me straight in the eye as I tell them "I love you." Throughout this experience, I feel as if God has taken my face in His hands, looking me in the eyes saying, "My child, I love you." The last two weeks have been rough. At times, I felt as if I was in a dark valley. Yet the entire time, I could feel His presence...His hands holding my facing reminding me of how much He cares. I don't know that I'll ever comprehend how much He loves me. I don't think I'll ever understand why He continues to love me. I do know this...I am honored to have Him walk this journey with me. I am honored to have a precious husband beside me each step of the way. I am honored to have the family and friends that cover me in prayer so faithfully each day. Overwhelmed....with His love, grace, and mercy.

God is using a fanny pack to save my life

Alright. If I'm learning nothing else from my current journey in life -- the one thing I am learning is to never say never. For instance, "I'll never wear a fanny pack. That's just not going to happen." Hmmmm. I know that God must be laughing. He has a sense of humor, otherwise, this whole fanny pack thing would be downright cruel. I have not decided on my own that a fanny pack is my choice to make a fashion statement. The "pack" as I will now refer to it, mainly because I despise the sound of the other name I've been using for it, will carry a pump that distributes part of my chemo treatments. I mean, my goodness, was nothing better looking that the medical field could come up with??? There are a lot of smart people out there, don't tell me there is not a stitch of fashion sense among it. You just never know what life is going to throw at you next. I had written several days ago that I was facing several unknowns. The truth of it all is that we are all facing countless unknowns in our life. We think that we know. We think we have it planned. We think we have it all figured out. At least, I thought I did. God has a way of just showing up and placing a "road closed" sign in front of us. This forces us to take another path. It may not be the path we had planned for, maybe it was a consideration -- but not the one we wanted. Sometimes, that path was not even an option in our feeble human minds.
As I was driving to one of my appointments (6 days after my diagnosis, 2 days before tragedy struck my WHS kids) I was listening to a sermon on the Lord's prayer. My pastor has been preaching on this, so this was kind of an enrichment lesson I guess one could say. The topic was the line in the prayer, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done." Ever really thought about that? You've probably prayed it before. I know I have. I also know that I'm quite guilty of praying this without really meaning it. If I truly desire for God's will to come alive in my life, I must be willing to give him complete access and rule over every area of my heart. The following example was given. Imagine inviting a guest to your home. You sincerely tell them to make themselves at home. What is yours is theirs. You want your guest to feel total freedom in your home. The next morning, you leave for work. Before doing so, you lock the fridge, lock the bathroom, lock the family room (with access to the television) and so on. You get the picture. It was like God slapped me in the face. This pastor was talking to me. To allow God to be glorified, I had to hand over the control of this cancer battle to Him. Only He could work in a way that would bring honor and glorify His name. There is nothing I can do to accomplish that. I have a diagnosis. I have a treatment plan. Again, the doctors are keeping me on a need to know basis. Not too much information at any given point lest I try to take the reigns away from the One who really is in charge. The fact is, they are having to wait on the first round of treatment to really decide where to go next. The seem to know everything about my cancer. However, I do know that they don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know who does.
Just a week ago, 3 teenage boys were traveling on a familiar stretch of road. The vehicle struck a phone pole and one young man was killed instantly. Two others were sent to the hospital with numbers of injuries, some requiring extensive surgery. Did any of these boys plan on this? No. Did their families in any way forsee this? No. Was our Heavenly Father surprised by this? No. He knew this was going to happen. Nothing surprises him. Now to us, it was an unknown. We had no clue this was coming. The entire community is still wondering how to work through the sorrow and grief accompanied with this situation. One young man had plans for the very next day -- he actually didn't make it to that destination, instead he stood before the Creator of the universe. One young man will never have the same life. They all three had plans for the weekend, plans for a senior year, even college plans. Planning is not a bad thing. I guess I'm just learning that God may change our plans. I must be sensitive to His heart so that I am able to accept these changes. When these changes are hard and may bring hurt and sorrow to our hearts, I have to trust Him to walk through that valley with me.
In the 23rd Psalm, the writer tells us that even when we walk through the shadow of the valley of death, HE is with us. The prince of darkness is waiting in that shadow. Waiting for God's children to throw in the towel and declare that we quit. I've felt like doing that at times. However, I have to stand tall and remember who I serve. Cancer, death, financial hardships....none of these ever surprise Him.
Just some of the things He's told us:
I'll never leave you nor forsake you...
I've loved you with an everlasting love...
I know the plans I have for you....
Those that wait upon the Lord...Isaiah 40:31

To those of you at WHS, I love you dearly and pray for you daily. How about we face these unknowns together in prayer??
To my family (both blood and non-blood related) --couldn't make it without you. God has blessed me beyond what my mind can conceive.

Much love,
Tracey

I'm a Survivor

Relay for Life has been a passion of mine for quite some time, now. Well, somebody needs to let the people in charge know that I will be in need of a Survivor shirt in May!! I know there is a long road ahead of me, but I have God on my side and He is bigger and better than anything else that may come my way. For some reason, He has seen fit to allow me to walk through this time. Maybe some day he will reveal this to me, but He may choose not to. Either way, I'm praying He is glorified and people are brought to His saving grace through this experience.
The next few days are busy, but again...I'll take busy. In case you don't know, I received the results from my pet scan today. They confirmed what April's dog had already told Ashley, April, Cindy, and myself on Saturday night -- no additional cancer. Now, I do have to apologize to Sam, because I didn't completely trust his judgement. Sorry, old boy. There's a box of doggie treats on its way!! Here is a rough outline of what we expect.
Wednesday: Dr at Trinity will perform an ultrasound that will provide even more details on the tumor. This will help the radiation oncologist be as precise as possible.
Thursday: I might get to eat.  Yippee!! I'm thinking lots of m&m's......Maybe even chocolate ice cream....
Friday: Visit with the radiation oncologist -- I haven't met him yet. However, I think there will be days that I won't like him a whole lot -- but at the end I'll pretty much love him to pieces.
Monday: Visit with surgeon who will schedule to put in a port for chemo; also another visit with oncologist
After that, we will begin treatments asap. The oncologists hopes to have things underway next week.
I don't know how I'll feel. I don't have the name of the exact drug and its intensity yet. I'll try to keep the blog updated. No matter what, I feel the prayers you are all sending to our Heavenly Father. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. I am so very grateful for that. You all will never know the impact you are having on my life. It is an honor to be surrounded with such a support system, I know I very much don't deserve it.
God provides grace for us to handle situations as He guides us through. However, he doesn't just give us a lump sum of what we'll need prior to the situation. I can't help but think about the Hebrew children as they waited each day to receive the manna God provided. If they stored too much, it spoiled. If they did not receive what God had sent, they went hungry that day. God will provide the grace and strength I need just when I need it. He also will provide enough to see me through. Recently, Holly sent me the song "Always Enough" by Casting Crowns. It is becoming my new "theme' song. I constantly have a song that I cling to that describes my life situation at the moment. This one just hit home -- it fits. He is always enough. No matter what you are going through now or what you will face in the future, my Savior is always enough. He was enough to cover my sin, what more could I want?? If He can do that, He can fight this cancer battle with me!


Humor in all this:
My best gal pal was riding in the car with her 8 year old daughter.
Daughter: Mom, you've been praying for Ms. Tracey like I have. I think we've been praying the same thing.
Mom: Well, what have you been praying for?
Daughter: I've been praying that the pet scan shows cancer has not spread to her liver. Because if it has, she might get the jaundice like Michael Jackson did. We don't want that, do we?!?!


My thoughts: Don't we wish the only problem Michael Jackson had was the jaundice???

My dear Kylee, you will never know the place you hold in my heart!! Much love!!!